Excerpt From:  www.swcp.com/~dignity/jason.htm

Dear Dad,

There is nothing more meaningful and strong than my love for you. You are an intricate part of the person I am today. You have raised me to be kind, thoughtful, caring and honest. You have taught me social values, moral principles and respect. To treat others as I want to be treated, to love others as I want to be loved. No single thing can be more valuable than the generosity of these gifts you have given to me in my life.

The last year and a half have brought many changes in my life. I am finally discovering myself and learning my self-identity, figuring out exactly who I am. In doing so, I feel it is important also to share with you the person I truly am and who I will always be, for I am gay. Such a difficult thing to even write, let alone realize that you are reading this. Dad, I am gay and I am happy. Accepting this for myself has been such a turning point in my life. I am finally establishing an existence that I have been struggling to find for so long. I always knew what it was but I kept pushing it away from myself, I kept trying to be something I never was or could be. In dealing with being gay and 'coming out' even just to myself, I am such a healthier and happy person. It has been so relieving and uplifting simply admitting to myself that I am gay.

I was so uptight and stressed about being gay that I was on the brink. On an edge of not knowing exactly where to turn or who to go to. Afraid that there was no place or room for a person like me to exist in our society. But I have learned differently. Learned a lot on my own, learned a lot by talking with other people and using the values instilled in me to keep strong and be who I am. This is such an important thing to me. To finally be the person I truly am inside, to feel the feelings that I have never felt before. I mean actual feelings like butterflies in my stomach and a tingling in my heart, just plain good physical feelings. I was always so numb, so cold, for so long, that now I have opened this huge door that has been locked for so long and released all that energy and good things tied up inside.

It is important for you to understand that I am the same person I was before you even opened this letter. I am your same son that you have loved and raised for 24 years. It's now a time for me to share another part of my life with you, a very important part. This is only another piece of the puzzle that makes me a person. Sexuality is only one part of what makes me a whole. I'm right-handed, I have brown hair, I have size 16 feet, I'm gay, I'm 6'3". Just like anybody else who's left-handed, has blonde hair, has size 9 feet, who's straight, who's 5'10". Sexuality is simply another part of one's character. I want to be loved for exactly who I am, and not what I might otherwise have pretended to be.

Being gay is something I have known for a long time. It's something that has always been a part of me. The first time I believe I recognized it was when I was 12 or 13 years old. I just had this feeling for guys and this desire and attraction towards them. Not always sexual or erotic, but just a liking as in straight guys are attracted to girls or how girls are attracted to guys. It's a very genuine feeling that is comforting and so real. Of course I never told anyone or acted out my feelings, it was just a natural part of who I was becoming. It was hard. I thought it was wrong and just a phase that I would eventually overcome. But I never did. Even today I am not 100% comfortable with who I am. I am still discovering and identifying myself. There is still a small part of me that wishes I wasn't gay. I have sat back many times and asked "Why me? Why must I be this way?" And trust me, this isn't something I have chosen. I would not choose to be a part of a discriminated group of people. We are who we are, not by choice. Gay is something much deeper than a choice. Being gay is a struggle to exist in our society and it is something that is felt from birth.

This is a very difficult thing for me to share with you. The last thing I want to do is strain our relationship or grow even farther apart. By keeping this a secret, that is what ultimately will happen, and is slowly happening even today. I hope that me telling you I am gay will create a stronger bond between us. It's been difficult living two separate lives, watching what I say and where I am. I'm tired of lying about where I've been, whom I am with, or where I might be. It is such a battle for energy and emotion. I don't want to hurt you. But I am what I am. I am gay. I am my own person, Jason. Jason who must be himself for himself and not what anybody else wants him to be. This is so important for me, I can't stress this enough. I am so happy. Finally something means something to me. I understand. I finally know who I am and it feels so good.

I don't expect you to grasp this right away. This something that has taken me 24 years to grasp and accept. I know this is probably a shock to you but maybe not. Maybe it has crossed your mind, I don't know. But WOW...talk about a reality check. This is going to be quite a change for us, for all of us. This is not something that is going to be ignored nor can it be ignored. This is an intricate part of my identity. I must accept myself for who I am and for those who truly love and care about me must do the same. I am not ashamed, I am proud. I am proud of me. It feels good not put myself down for who I am. I don't want to hide this anymore. I don't want to live this dual life.

I've told a few people already and they have all been very supportive. The first person I told was my friend Liz at work. We had become such good friends and I felt comfortable with her. I just needed to tell someone I could trust and confide in because I was on that edge of not knowing what to do. I actually thought she was gay too, but I really wasn't sure. So when I told her and she hugged me and told me every thing would be okay, she was happy for me. She later expressed to me that she isn't gay, and is actually dating and living with Uncle Marty's friend from RPS for the last 4 years. Too funny, I had no clue - we laughed. That was back in August.

I struggled for a few more months in trying to figure out how and when I was going to tell my family. It was really important for me to try and tell Gina, but I never could. We have grown so close over the last few years and created a strong bond. I was afraid, not knowing how she would react.

In December I told my friends Stephanie and Alex in Colorado. They were happy for me and shocked as well. The first thing they asked was about you and Gina. I told them no, that I didn't tell you, that I didn't know how and that I was still afraid. I knew by now that Gina had to be wondering. My bizarre excuses of where I had been, who I was with and having Liz lie for me so many times as my alibi. The tension was building. For months I tried to set up the perfect time. I took her fine dinners to try and tell her, took her to bars thinking being a little buzzed would be easier, but I never could find the right time. And there never would be a perfect time or place. Still, I couldn't do it.

By this same time I had completely shut Vince and Tanya out my life. I had only been to see them twice in the 5 months they had lived on Sunnyland and one was the day they were moving in. They would tease me and give me a hard time for not coming over and I would throw excuses at them. I felt really bad for we had also grown so close over the years and for no apparent explanation I basically just disappeared. On Friday, January 30th, after Vince called the house for Gina, I asked him if I could come over. He said of course, so I went with my heart pounding all the way there. I went to apologize for treating them the way I had for so long and to tell them I was gay, for that was the reason. After sitting around for 20 minutes chit-chatting, They asked, "What's wrong? Is there something you want to tell us?" I took a deep breath and I told them. I told them I was gay and explained why I made myself so distant. We talked and cried and everything was fine. They totally support and continue to welcome me into their lives. Since then we have again grown much closer and begun a fresh start.

That same night, on my way home, I decided it was finally the time to tell Gina. As I lay on her bed while she got ready to go out, I stopped her and shared with her my secret. She was shocked and quiet for a while. She didn't know what to think or how to react, but it just confirmed an intuition that she had been sensing. It had crossed her mind a few times and she even raised the question with Vince and Tanya on more than one occasion. After a couple days of adjusting and asking lots of questions, we have again created a tighter bond. There have been lots of changes and ways of thinking, but it has been so good for us, no more lies or secrets. Everything is out in the open, and likewise we have become stronger.

Dad, I can only hope for the best. Deep down inside I know that you will love who I am and who I always will be. You have always supported me in all that I have done. The last thing I want to do is shut you out like I did Vince, Tanya and Gina. I sense the same is already happening with you and Laurie and Marty and Terri and it's the last thing I want to happen. I want you to ask me any questions you have, anything. It can only help both of us better understand what we are going through and there are no more secrets. This is such a developmental part of my life and I need all the love and support I can get. The fear of losing such love is terrifying. I hope you will still love me, and you will, somehow, understand why it is that I need to tell you what is deepest in my heart. I am gay. I don't know why, but I just am. It's important that you know I love and I will always love you. We'll talk in a couple of days. I love you dad.