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Tuesday, February 15, 2000 |
Are there any Newcomers here tonight?
Oh my God what am I doing here? Did I sit far enough back so she can't see me? Look at all the people here,I am NOT one of THEM. I don't have a problem. I can stop if I want to. Why in the world did I let anyone talk me into coming here? Oh please make me stop sweating and my hands stop shaking. Oh Lord I could use a drink right now, just to calm me down, not that I NEED one you understand. She said I didn't have to talk if I didn't want to, I think I will just sit and listen.
You would NEVER see ME standing up and talking in front of all these people!
Did you hear that? She said she started drinking at 13. I was about that age when I had my first drink. I drank all thru High School and then drank myself right out of two more schools. How old am I now?? 25,, Oh my God!! where did those years go?Funny, I don't remember them going by, I wonder why??
What was that she said about at first it was just a drink now and then.Then it got to be more now instead of then.Then it got to waking up in the middle of the nite reaching for a drink. Getting up in the morning and the first thing she did was take a drink just to get started, then a few more to get her thru the day and then a few more to get thru the nite.Was she there watching me?
Hey she is talking about blackouts, not remembering what she had done or said. How many times have I tried to remember and couldnt? More times then I could remember thats for sure
Hey now she is now talking about escaping and forgetting and how the alcohol helped for a while then the memories would come back and she had to drink more to make them go away again,only to come back again.Over an over the same thing happening and the memories never going away of the hurt she had caused herself an others or the embrassment of things she had done or the broken promises she had made not to drink. Was she there watching an listening the nites I cried and asked why God had turned his back on me?
Now listen to that she is saying how everyone kept telling her she had a problem,her family, friends, bosses,co-workers and she never thought so,, she could stop if she wanted to. But heck what was a few drinks going to hurt? They made her feel more comfortable, helped her to forget, to have more fun. Did I say something like that a few minutes ago?
I am wondering now if that nurse that suggested I come here talked with her first? Did they plan this? No one could know or understand what I have been going thru.
My mind starts to wander back to the first time I met this nurse.
I met her in the hospital. She was taking care of my mother who had become very ill.
I didn't know anything about her being ill for a few days. You see I was out partying and didn't think (or remember) to call home an check on her. The neighbors called 911 and they took her to the hospital.When I finally did get home they told me about it.
This nurse named Lynda after a week of visiting my Mom explained to me how my Mom was going to need to be cared for almost around the clock when she got back home and that she had noticed that everytime I came to see her I had been drinking and that unless I did something about my drinking I wouldn't be able to give her the care she needed. She gave me a piece of paper with a number on it an the words AA. Damn her!! who is SHE to tell me I am a drunk!? I had only a couple of drinks,I can still walk an function.How dare she suggest that I look into AA.
My Mom came home one week later.
How am I suppose to do this??I never had to assume any responsibility for anything much less someone this sick.I could always blame everything that went wrong on others .Giving me the excuse to drink again. I can't remember if I gave her the pills or not,all I can think of is how am I going to get out of here and get to the bar! I NEED A DRNK !!This isn't working I can't do this and it's only been ONE DAY!! Something needs to change here,maybe I need to change?Maybe I could call that number she gave me, maybe if i asked her she would come with me..
Hold my hand please Lynda, I am scared to death!
Hi, my name is Sharon ,an I am an Alcoholic!
PS. My Mom may never remember in this life that I got sober,she doesn't know me anymore or anyone for that matter.She has Alzheimer's (that is why she was in the hospital) I can only pray that God watches over her and when she goes back home to Him that He tells her that she got her wish ,even tho it hasn't always been easy, her daughter has gotten and stayed sober One Day At A Time for 11yrs 10 mons.
Lynda my friend, Thank-you for carrying the message and caring enough to pass it on to me. |
JustMe |
