To be alex and unawarwe of it. The only way you can get by with it is if you don't have any really close relationships, except relationships with people who are 'parental types' (or with people I thought would play the parental role). This was the case for me, until I met my ex husband. I was 28 years old at the time, and would look at the world passing me by, wondering why I didn't have a boyfreind and what was it in me that hindered this type of relationship. I would almost feel superior to all the couples holding hands, because I wasn't dependent on anyone. Why did they need each other? Then when I did get into a relationship and we married I found it awfully frustrating that every time we had an argument I felt cheated that I didn't know how to react in each new situation, and that this seemed to be the cause of the arguments. Until meeting my ex husband I had led a very sheltered life and had learnt what was expected of me in every given situation. So if you are alexithmic and stay within a small given life experience you can get by, [even though you feel something is missing], but when you step out of that experience of life all hell breaks loose.

ALEX'S & THEIR BODIES. We all live in this body, but it is somewhat of a different experice for an alex. Imagine you are about to launch off over a cliff on a hang glider. For me I have no emotional conscious awareness of the dangers. There is no sense of fear, exhileration, racing heart beat or anything. I am completely in the moment, being able to give myself completely to what I am physically doing. Because of this lack of emotions that would normally make people draw back or doubt themselves when doing something physically an alex can give themselves unreservedly to what they are doing and so allow their body, a free reign. Because of this I sometimes wonder if alexs can be very good at using their bodies in sport, dance and other pysical things, purely because they are deficeit in their emotions, that would normally make them pull back a bit and not be-one-with what they are doing. Though, this oneness has no emotional involvement in it

Having said the above, it reminds me of a similar instance but not to do with the body. I was walking and a car offered to give me a lift. Silly me agreed, (against my better judgement). After minutes of conversation I realized I had made the wrong decision, as the driver hinted at sexual things. I knew I was in danger, but because I didn't show any emotions of fear the driver was completely thrown. For him to imtimidate me and for him to feel confident and powerful he needed the usual sign posts from his victims along the way. I couldn't give these emotional signs to him as I was only registering it intellectually. I have had quite a few different episodes like that, and have come out of them all unscathed because I have been void of emotional responses.

On the other hand I have no success in pursuing men that I am attracted to. I have begun to realize that it is the same paridigm working in reverse. No man wants or is attracted to a women that shows no emotion.

When not in touch with internal emotions one is happy to be guided by others. For example, you are running late and have something to pick up from a friends house and your friend says , "I won't invite you in because I can see you are in a hurry," is music to an alexs ears. Whereas other people would say 'do come in and have a cuppa', and a non-alex person would respond truthfully by saying "I would love to have a chat another time, but I'm running late today". An alex always feels that they have to answer according to what the other person wants, and so is grateful of people seeing what the situation is for the alex and not giving tham difficult choices. I recipricate this for other people, and am now realizing that people probably think I am overstepping the line, bossy, and lacking in social graces - dominating.

EMOTIONS - very rarely do I genuinly feel clear distinct emotions, though I know that in different situations, various emotions are felt by non-alex people. So when I am talking with other people I guess at how I'm supposed to respond, and say - ''Oh, that is sad," or "that is wonderful'' or whatever I think is the right response. In situations that are simple and that I am well versed in, the whole flow of communication seems fine and isn't all that different from anyone elses. But other times I see that my naturally empathising with them out of my emotional response to what they are saying is lacking, that my responses are not sufficient and that there is a missing of relatedness or repore. Trying to read emotions is like being deaf and trying to hear. This worry that I have makes it even more difficult to relate with people. Now this whole dillema is pronounced when I am with people that are good communicators and in touch with their emotions. When talking with purely analytical people I feel much more self confident and at ease because I am not required to interact emotionally with them.

On the other hand I do occasionally write poetry for friends when I see truly into their hearts. These poems are well received and touch the person. I think that I try too hard and come in too close to people (for my ability) and so bomb out. But when I comfortably stand back and take a friend in I can see far more of them and respond with the written word. In standing back I feel no pressure to respond how I think I should and so can be more of myself and funnily end up responding more appropriately.

Most of the time I can't "read" peoples emotional cues, and this I find frustrating since I know that the other person requires and is looking for an appropriate response. Though sometimes when I can read cues, I find it too hurtful to respond or to act upon them, partly because I don't quite know how to respond. Maybe I want to be in control, or not feel rejected? With men I am interested in I have a lot of difficulty knowing whether they really like me and I am never sure, because what others would pick up as a man's obvious advance, I don't, or am left in a quandary.

It is a funny thing, that in some sitatuions I feel swamped by others emotions, and yet others feel swamped by my speech when I can't work out what I feel about a certain event and so dispatch it onto someone else to decipher. I feel like I can't contain the image or emotions that I am trying to deal with, so I have to give it to someone else to contain and make sense of. Some people see this as exploitation of their emotions and refuse to participate

FANTASY AND IMAGINATION My Mother was always encouraging fantasy in me, her reason being that she felt she lacked it serverly and that this was due to her rigid upbringing. When presented with an account of anything relating to concrete things I have vivid fantasies, to the degree that I am often disappointed when I see the thing literally. For example someone describes a beatutiful garden and then I go and have a look at it. So you could say my fantasy life about literal things is unhindered, but my spontaneous imagination is serverly injured. By this I am talking about fantasy life not being my own, somehow. This includes day dreaming and night dreaming. I have both but they are very similar to my waking life. Compared with other people's wild accounts of their dreams, in mine nothing too bizzare happens, or sureal, except when I am giving myself to trying to understand emotions and the complexities of life.

What really bugs me is that I am always the slave of getting things done. For example when I wake in the morning I am driven to do the concrete duties that make up the morning. Like making the beds, arranging anything that is out of place, putting the dishes away, etc, etc. Often I am thinking how I would like to just enjoy the morning for what it is, the beautiful sunrise, the dew on the plants outside, the crispness of the air. Some people can say that it is a demand from outside of them, not an inwardly driven mode of living that is forcing them to act the way they do. Personally I can't swallow this line as I am aware that I am driven to do the concrete activities, and only when ALL the concrete things have been done do I allow myself to enjoy the morning. And obviuosly there is always more to do.

RELATING WITH MY CHILDREN Sadly I naturally relate with my children through doing things for them in a servant like way. This comes out in two different ways. The first is by looking after their physical needs via the home. This includes everything from good home style cooking, to mending their clothes and making sure we have a tidy cosy home. The second way this doing comes out of me is by organising an enjoyable social life for my children. I am more than happy to spend nearly the whole day tropping around with my kids and their friends to their favourite haunts around our town while they play and I blissfully look on. I know of no other mothers who does this. If it is done at all by other mums they make sure they have another mother with them, so that they can converse and not get bored.

.Although the above may sound good, I know I lack serverly in relating emotionally with my children. I have learnt a lot of my emotional interaction with the children by watching how my ex husband relates emotionally with them, then I have put these techniques into practice. When I put these techniques into practise, I don't always have the accompanying emotions that their dad has. But even so I find myself often not wanting to give myself to the children, I'm used to been in a world of my own.This causes a lot of pent up frustration and anger in the children.

Just lately I have noticed that my children often do as their dad asks of them, but rarely do they do what I ask of them. The discrepincy is due to the cold hard orders that I dish out. Whereas their dad first creates a repore between himself and the children (just a sentence or two), and then asks them to do whatever it is. I just see that something needs to be done and don't focus on the child, but the chore itself. I find it hard to remember that children (and adults) are sensitive and need to be approached in such a way.

RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOTHER My mother interpreted the world for me right up until I was about 35years old, then I started to try to think for myself. I remember going to the movies with her,(as I often did), and as she verbally gave her interpretation of the movie, I remember thinking, "what will I do when she dies, how will I interprtate the world?" Though, I was more unconscios of her subtle control over me until I started to break away from her. Her more subtle influence was in the form of voice internation and making declarations. Both were done to silence me.

I remember feeling awfully frustrated in my 20's as I spent much time with my Mum and yet wanted to be out with a man. When pondering my overall problem of living, my brother would always remark "get an ego". Around the age of twelve I attemted suicide, the reason being that I couldn't bear not having my mothers full attention when my Dad fell dreadfully sick and died 5 years later. As a young child I was extremly shy and clung to my Mother. My mother was my mouth-piece as a child. I remember being at school and the teacher making a huge mistake about my conduct and telling me off in front of the whole class. I did not utter a word in defence, but went home distraught and told my Mum, expecting her to put it right.

I have come to see that my relationship with my Mum is the bed in which alexthmymia germinated and grew. She herself often mourned over my lack of social interaction, and yet new not how to put things right.    

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