IS THERE A CURE ? I don't know if there is a cure, but I do feel as if I have a far better understanding of myself and how I interact with others because I have read and talked about Alex. When I ask myself if I think that one day I will have clear understandable emotions my immediate response from my heart is no. This may well be a defense mechanism. One step at a time is a good policy. I feel that I have come a long way from prior to my reading on alex, even if it is to avoid certain situations. The only image that propels me forward is that of how much I am missing out on when I observe others relating emotionally. To have this image and see it literally is what is needed for me to keep working on feeling my emotions. When alex was first presented to me I thought "why change since I have survived and know the alex way so thoroughly". I did read something by Mcdougall which said that to do therapy with alex you must have eye contact. This I can verify as true, if I want to block or deny something that is said then I catch myself deliberately avoiding eye contact. I have never been in therapy, though.

COMPARING, so in conclusion I'd like to talk about a few techniques that I have for lessening Alex The most potent is comparing my reactions to other peoples. By comparison I can see clearly how little I plummet the depths of all the gamet of emotions. There's nothing like the feeling that you are 'missing out' to propell you forward. Seeing then makes you stop and start thinking about yourself and such stopping -ie., SLOWING DOWN- is another great accessory. When I'm sick I always notice that I can only handle the immediate situation at hand. When in this mode I have always found it beneficial for my children, because I become focused completely on them when they are asking for my attention and I genuinely seem to connect, hear, feel and respond to what their needs are. This has always been a positive side to when I'm sick. So I'm trying to slow down, not try to get all the physical things done around me, and in this slowing down I am focusing my attention on connecting emotionally to the people around me, and giving myself time to have emotions.

Another pointer is that when I'm down I never mix with people. For I know that I will inevitably make them feel my darkness which they will be forced to unravel for me into some kind of defined picture which they then mirror back to me. So they become a representation of my mother interpreting the world for me. So instead I become a recluse for a while and try to feel my own emotions.

Something I warn people about who are trying to help alexs is not to come in too close. This happened to me with my ex husband. He would always be trying to work out what was wrong with me, and find solutions because he could see that I had no idea what I was like. Although he meant well, I always felt disempowered by this taking place, but I would never say so. It would infuriate my ex partner that I never tried to put any of his ideas into practise, and in the end he was so devasted that he had to give up. Maybe alexs need their partners to show them just how much of a deficeit they have and then stand back a bit and let the person take on their own problems. An alex needs to solve their own problems. My ex now gives me this kind of feedback, but in a detached way (this allows me to own the information) so that I feel in control of my emotions and my decisions. I worry that I am feeling what the other person has put into me, so if I'm given information that has no emotional content in it, it makes it easier for me to work out what I really do feel, and so what needs to be done. I like this qoute from Winnicot.

"What I have to say in this present chapter is extremely simple. Although it comes out of my psychoanalytical experience I would not say that it could have come out of my psychoanalytical experience of two decades ago, because I would not then have had the technique to make possible the transference movements that I wish to describe. For instance, it is only in recent years that I have become able to wait and wait for the natural evolution of the transference arising out of the patient's growing trust in the psychoanalytic technique and setting, and to avoid breaking up this natural process by making interpretations. It will be noticed that I am talking about the making of interpretations and not about interpretations as such. It appals me to think how much deep change I have prevented or delayed in patients in a certain classification category by my personal need to interpret. If only we can wait, the patient arrives at understanding creatively and with immense joy, and I now enjoy this joy more than I used to enjoy the sense of having been clever. I think I interpret mainly to let the patient know the limits of my understanding. The principle is that it is the patient and only the patient who has the answers. We may or may not enable him or her to encompass what is known or become aware of it with acceptance."   [From - 'Playing and Reality', by Donald W. Winnicott, 1971]

A DREAM When I was first trying to understand Alex I had this dream. I was on a beach and was scared that an enormous wave was going to swamp me. But as it came up to me it wasn't as overwhelming as I thought it would be as it just kind of fizzled-out, and I was o.k. I think this dream speaks to several of the issues in Alex.

Written by Ann 1-10-02