FOREST

BOROMIR: Hi, kiddo. Can I see your Ring?

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: I just want to borrow it.

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Come ON.

FRODO: No.

BOROMIR: Don't make me hit you.

FRODO: Don't make me get invisible and hit YOU.

BOROMIR: Oof. Hm, good one. Damn, I need one of those rings.


FOREST, HIGHER UP

ARAGORN: There you are.

FRODO: Strider, I'm leaving the Fellowship and striking out on my own.

ARAGORN: Well, solo albums seldom do very well, but if you feel you must...

ARAGORN kneels and looks at the RING in FRODO's hand.

RING: Ohhh, Aragorn, you're so big and powerful...take me...please...

ARAGORN folds FRODO's fingers over the RING and backs away.

RING: Ugh. These @#$*&% goody-two-shoes never do what I want. That's it; I'm not talking to anyone anymore.

ARAGORN: Uh-oh. Blue light special on aisle nine, Frodo.

FRODO: Huh?

ARAGORN: Sting. Glowing. Orcs. Go!

FRODO: Oh! Gotcha.

FRODO runs away.


FOREST, AGAIN

ARAGORN finds BOROMIR on the ground, with arrows in him.

BOROMIR: The Orcs kidnapped Merry and Pippin.

ARAGORN: Eh, no biggie. How are you?

BOROMIR: Been better. Hey, I'm sorry I called you a dork. Captain, my captain.

ARAGORN: I'm not sure this is an appropriate time to quote a gay poet. But I forgive you.

BOROMIR: And tell Frodo I'm sorry I molested him.

ARAGORN: Okay.

BOROMIR: And tell my brother I've always been jealous of his slender waist, and I'm sorry for all the times I called him a girly-man.

ARAGORN: Uh…okay...

BOROMIR: I used to borrow my dad's horse without asking. It was very wrong of me and I'm sorry.

ARAGORN: Do I need to get a pen and write all this down?

BOROMIR: No, I'm done. (*dies*)


RIVERBANK

FRODO, alone, holding RING miserably, hears GANDALF's voice in his head.

AUDIENCE: Oh, sure, bring back the voice of the dead guy. Like I wasn't on the verge of tears already. Now poor Frodo's crying...(*sniffle*)

SKEPTICS IN AUDIENCE: I thought you said you could never take him seriously, when the movie started.

AUDIENCE: Did I? I can't recall my life before, now.

FRODO jumps into a boat and paddles out into the river. SAM comes crashing after him.

SAM: Wait for me! I'll kill myself if you don't!

FRODO: (rescuing him) What are you, one of my fangirls?

SAM: I am, sir. Your very biggest fan.

FRODO: Aw, come on, Sam, you're not that fat. Don't be so hard on yourself.


RIVERBANK, A FEW MINUTES LATER

LEGOLAS: The evil jewelry is out of our reach. Now what do we do?

ARAGORN: Guess we should rescue Merry and Pippin. Frodo might get mad if we lose them.

GIMLI: So? Not like we'll ever see him again.

ARAGORN: You'll get to split Orcs' heads with your axe.

GIMLI: Oh! Now there's a good reason. I'm in.


CLIFF OVERLOOKING SCENIC MORDOR

SAM: Was nice knowing those guys.

FRODO: Yep. Well, let's go.

SAM and FRODO start walking. Credits roll.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: What?? That's it?? That's not an ending!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Were you not aware that it was a trilogy?

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: That shouldn't matter! I want closure!

PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK shove a paperback copy of 'The Two Towers' into the hands of PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK, and walk off, grumbling about illiterates.

 

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