THE SILMARILLION (edited by Peter Jackson)

Our tale today begins with the sack of Gondolin, when the elves are fleeing for their lives. This is, by the way, on a mountain.

Glorfindel: Oh, crap. A balrog.
Balrog: Grr.
Glorfindel: Wait. Who the crap are you?
Arwen: I'm Arwen
Glorfindel: NOT AGAIN! You replaced me in LOTR also! (draws sword) not this time!
Arwen: (chanting in elvish. A flood occurs washing away most of the elves and orcs.) Duh! It's my job. I have to replace you. Because they couldn't afford to hire another talented actor.
Glorfindel: Fine. but I get to fight the Balrog
Arwen: Do not.
Glorfindel and Arwen start fighting. Everyone left alive gathers in a circle around them.
Balrog: I hope this doesn't take long. I have to kill Mithrandir at 4:00.
Turgon: Stupid third-age elves. stupid Peter Jackson
Haldir: An alliance once existed between-
Turgon: Shut up Haldir (shoves Haldir over the edge. )
Haldir: OOOOOoooooohhhh Nooooo!
(Meanwhile Glorfindel and Arwen are still fighting. The Balrog is getting angry. Turgon and the Balrog, as well as several other elves and orcs and dragons and such are playing poker)
Glorfindel: Do not!
Arwen: Do too!
Glorfindel: Fine then
Arwen: Okay then
Balrog: Finally!
(Arwen and the Balrog fight. Balrog breaks Arwen's nail. Arwen calls time-out. Glorfindel pushes Arwen off the edge of the mountain)
Glorfindel: I suppose we have to kill each other now.
Balrog: How about a poker game instead. But first lets kill that Legolas fellow. It's his fault that no one likes us.

And so the armies of the elves and Angband ushered forth, intent on killing Legolas.
Legolas: oh, crap. I can tell how this will end.
Gimli: Shut up Legolas. No one likes you. er, too many people like you. that's why we have to kill you. (shoves Legless down a cliff)
Legless: my legs! I hate you Peter Jackson!

Gimli is awarded hero status. Glorfindel and the Balrog became friends. Turgon is still mopping the water out of Gondolin.

Turgon: Stupid Arwen with her stupid chants and stupid floods...


And Morgoth made peace with the elves and returned the Silmarilli. Much like the Shire, Gondolin was never destroyed. But it was supposed to be. The moral? Never let Peter Jackson do a rendition of the Silmarillion. Well, at least that Legolas fellow died... a disgrace to elves everywhere. We all know he dry-fires his bow.

 

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