ITHILIEN
SAM seasons their rabbit stew as GOLLUM watches.
GOLLUM: Ssstupid fat hobbit! Using sage in stew like thisss!
SAM: What's your problem? Sage brings out the flavor.
GOLLUM: Smeagol would use nice mix of rosemary and lavender, yess, precious.
FRODO: Hey, you guys? Something's out there in the forest.
SAM: Rosemary? Hm, maybe. But you know what WOULD be good with this, is a basic bechamel sauce with some dill.
GOLLUM: Sssimple hobbit; anyone makesss bechamel. Vichyssoise much tastier and more difficult; yes...
FRODO: Hello? Guys? Seriously, someone's coming.
SAM: Now, if you only found us some eggs, I could make crepes, wrap up the meat, drizzle the juices over it with a little bit of blackcurrant chutney...
FRODO: Hey, you guys, look! It's Martha Stewart!
GOLLUM: Where?
SAM: Where?
FRODO: Now that I have your attention, may I point out the Oliphaunt that's about to step on us?
FARAMIR: Look! Strange little men! Let's take them home.
FARAMIR blindfolds SAM and FRODO and hauls them away.
HELM'S DEEP
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Sire, there are some really femmy people at the gate. They have bows.
ARAGORN: Those are Elves. Let them in.
ROHIRRIM GUARD: Oh! Elves! Wow, I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
GIMLI: Arr! I'm funny because I'm short.
LEGOLAS: I'm funny because I make fun of how short you are!
HENNETH ANNUN
FARAMIR: So, who are you, exactly?
FRODO: I'm Frodo. This is Sam.
FARAMIR: Your...image consultant?
SAM: His gardener.
FARAMIR: Ohh, like in a 'Lady Chatterley's Lover' kind of way?
SAM: Exactly.
FRODO: Righ—What??
HELM'S DEEP
ARAGORN: This siege is lasting forever. These poor people...
LEGOLAS: We will fight to the death. We will not fail you.
ARAGORN: Oh, not you guys--I meant the audience.
GIMLI: Aragorn! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Um, is this really the time?
GIMLI: Yes! Toss me!
ARAGORN: Look, I don't think about you that way...
GIMLI: No, you freak, throw me onto the Orcs!
FANGORN FOREST
TREEBEARD: We have opted, hoom, not to do a damn thing.
PIPPIN: I didn't expect that.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Neither did I...
MERRY: Don't you even CARE? This is your planet too!
PIPPIN: You're very handsome when you yell at trees, Merry.
MERRY: Am I? Thanks.
TREEBEARD: Hoom, don't care. Taking you home.
PIPPIN: (to MERRY) Wait! I know. I'll bat my eyelashes at him.
MERRY: Good plan. I know *I* sure can't resist you when you do that. (winks at PIPPIN)
PIPPIN: (to TREEBEARD) Mr. Tree, sir, could you take us south, pleeeease?
TREEBEARD: Ooom....Damn it, hoom...how can I say no to those eyes.
OSGILIATH
FRODO puts on some black eyeliner, climbs to the top of a ruined building, and holds up the Ring. SAM pounces him and brings him tumbling down the stairs.
FRODO: Ow! Hey! That's it—this time I'm cutting your throat.
SAM: But Mr. Frodo...I was saving the world...you were going to give the Ring to that Nazgul...
FRODO: No, I wasn't. I was doing a lightning experiment.
SAM: Well, that's pretty stupid too, now isn't it.
FRODO: Hmm. I suppose so. Sorry, dude.
FRODO puts down the sword. SAM gets up and starts a speech.
SAM: There are good things in the world. And that's what we're protecting. And up there, it's their time, but down here, it's OUR time...
ISENGARD
TREEBEARD finds a field of stumps near SARUMAN's place.
TREEBEARD: What the bloody... ENTS! ATTACK!
MERRY: Once again, Pippin's wily eyelashes save the world.
PIPPIN: Aww, you're just saying that.
SAM (V.O.): ...And I have a dream that my eighteen children will one day live in a Shire where they will not be judged by the color of their teeth but by the content of their character...
HELM'S DEEP
GANDALF and EOMER and a few thousand ROHIRRIM come charging down and wipe out the rest of the ORC army. EOWYN and ARAGORN and LEGOLAS and GIMLI and THEODEN all cheer.
ARAGORN: Gandalf, finally!
GANDALF: Yes, my boy, I have come back.
ARAGORN: Took you freaking long enough.
SAM (V.O.): The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced...
FRODO (V.O.): Um...Sam...
ARAGORN: You know what would have been really cool, though...
EOWYN: What?
ARAGORN: An army of flesh-eating trees to destroy the Orcs who are running away.
AUDIENCE: Yeah, that would have been cool.
ISENGARD
TREEBEARD: Hey. We're busy flooding Isengard here. We can't be two places at once.
OSGILIATH
SAM: ...let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to-
FRODO: SAM!!
SAM: What?
FRODO: They're letting us go. Come on.
SAM: Oh. Oh, good.
EN ROUTE TO MORDOR
SAM: They're going to tell stories about you. Frodo the Incredibly Cute.
FRODO: Ordinarily I would tell you to stop hitting on me, but you've saved my life so many times now, I guess I'll settle for being uncomfortably flattered.
SAM: Cool. Oh, and by the way?
FRODO: Yes?
SAM: The tortured look really does work for you. Very hot.
FRODO: Aww, thanks. You deserve a special shoulder-squeeze for that.
SAM: Did you learn that move from Aragorn?
FRODO: Yeah. You like it?...
GOLLUM: (mumble, mumble)...Kill...(mumble)...death to hobbits...(mumble mumble)...feed them to HER...(mumble, mumble)...pain, suffering...(mumble)...make them cry...(mumble)...kill hobbitses...(mumble) ...she will destroy hobbitses...
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: (loudly) "SHE"? Did he say "she", and "her"? Who's "SHE"?
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: SHUT UP!
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