MORDOR (always a cheery place to start a story)
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Once upon a time, there was a bad guy.
SAURON struts out and starts whacking people left and right.
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Things looked bleak. But wait!
ISILDUR slices off SAURON's hand and pulls the RING from the ashes. Shock wave ensues.
RING: New bearer, eh? All righty; time to resize. (*shrinks to fit*)
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Everything turned out okay. Well, not exactly...
RIVER
ISILDUR gets pierced by arrows and thrown in river. RING tumbles underwater.
RING: Eek! Help! I can't swim!
GALADRIEL (V.O.): And that was that for the Ring. Well, not exactly...
A hand reaches down and picks it up.
GOLLUM (V.O.): Prrrreciousss.
RING: Hello, stranger. Thanks for saving me from that big bad river. What say we go back to your place and get to know each other?
GALADRIEL (V.O.): Gollum fell for the Ring's pick-up lines and took it home. Then eventually a hobbit stole it.
CAVE
BILBO: Yuck. There's fish guts on this thing.
RING: Yes. Please. Polish me. I'll do whatever you want. I mean, as long as it's evil...
GALADRIEL (V.O.): And the time will soon come when hobbits will enter the twisted minds of all.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: God, I'm going to be so lost during this movie. None of this stuff's going to matter later, right?
THE SHIRE
FRODO pops into view, smiling a huge innocent smile.
AUDIENCE: Hehehe! Elijah Wood looks so funny with a perm! I'll never be able to take him seriously.
GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. I've come to smoke with your uncle.
FRODO: All right. Can I try on your hat?
GANDALF: Whatever for?
FRODO: I've been wondering which house I'll be put into. I'm hoping it's not Slytherin, but you never know with us Bagginses.
GANDALF: Worry about that later. Run along and read your dirty Elvish books.
VICINITY OF PARTY TREE
While a giggling FRODO throws SAM into ROSIE's arms, MERRY and PIPPIN crawl into view and steal some fireworks.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Hey, neat. Petty criminals.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Brandybuck and Took heirs, actually, but whatever.
BILBO gets up for a speech.
BILBO: I'm smarter than the lot of you! But I'll miss you anyway. Well, one-tenth of the one-half of you who I spent twice as much time with as I ever wanted to, for one-fifteenth of my life, anyway. So. Goodbye.
BILBO vanishes. FRODO's laughter vanishes too, pretty much forever as far as this trilogy's concerned.
BAG END
GANDALF: Bilbo. Put your hands where I can see them, and step away from the Ring.
BILBO: Fine. No, I don't want to! Oh, all right, I will. No, I won't! Seriously, though, I will. Except I won't!
GANDALF: Don't make me get ten feet tall.
BILBO: Eek! Okay, I give.
BILBO hugs GANDALF and leaves. GANDALF approaches RING super-slowly and upside-down.
RING: BOO!! (*thunderclap* *Eye of Sauron*)
AUDIENCE jumps and spills popcorn everywhere.
GANDALF: Right, so I think I'll just leave that on the floor and let Frodo deal with it.
BAG END, UNSPECIFIED AMOUNT OF TIME LATER
FRODO wanders inside to find his living room ransacked. As he frowns over the fact that someone has set a glass down on the desk without using a coaster, GANDALF emerges from the dark, looking a total mess, and seizes him.
FRODO: Cripes! You scared me. Er, can I get you a comb or anything?
GANDALF: No, thank you. Fondle this and tell me what happens.
GANDALF drops RING into FRODO's hands with tongs.
FRODO: Nothing. No, wait: there's graffiti. "Frodo lives"? What's that all about?
GANDALF: (sigh) It belongs to He Who Must Not Be Named, and it's about to ruin the world. Not to mention your social life.
FRODO: Whoa, this was made by Sauron?
RING: Oh! Sauron! Yes! Yes! Give me back to my big evil sugar daddy, pleeeease.
FRODO and GANDALF stare at RING in alarm.
GANDALF: Frodo. Don't excite the Ring. There's a reason we don't say that guy's name, see?
FRODO: Got it. Now what?
GANDALF: You pack and run, right this second. I'm going to see another wizard. He'll make everything okay.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah!
There is a noise outside. GANDALF reaches out the window and drags SAM in by the ear.
GANDALF: Stalking Frodo again, are we?
SAM: I'm sorry, sir, I won't do it again. Don't turn me into anything unnatural.
GANDALF: Oh, I know exactly what to do with you.
THE SHIRE
FRODO and GANDALF trudge along, leading a horse.
DENSE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hah! Gandalf turned him into a horse!
SAM jogs into view behind them.
DENSE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh. Never mind.
GANDALF: Listen, lads: things are now getting so dangerous that I'm going to totally abandon you. Sound good?
FRODO: Um...
GANDALF: Right. Bye, then.
GANDALF takes off. FRODO and SAM trudge across country for a while, till MERRY and PIPPIN and several VEGETABLES come flying out of the corn and bowl them over.
FRODO: What the hell are you doing?
MERRY: Running from the law! Go, go, go!
The four start running while PIPPIN verbally catalogues everything they've stolen in the last 72 hours.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Are you sure they're not petty criminals?
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: I...um...all right, they stole stuff in the book too. But they're high-class criminals with hearts of gold, okay?
FOREST
FRODO: Guys? The leaves are swirling in a particularly evil way. I suggest we hide.
They hide under a log. RINGWRAITH looms above them. Meanwhile, FRODO fondles the RING.
RING: So - "Frodo," is it? Has anyone ever told you you've got the most beautiful eyes? Hey, want to try me on? Go ahead - what could happen?
SAM slaps the RING for its audacity. RINGWRAITH gets distracted by ice cream truck down the road, and trots off.
MERRY: Frodo, you dog. Why didn't you tell us you were running from the law too?
FRODO: Listen, um - if you two don't have anything to do for the next few months and happen to have some clothes and food packed, do you want to come on a dangerous and possibly fatal mission with us?
MERRY and PIPPIN: Yeah! Sounds fun!
ISENGARD
SARUMAN: Come into my dark, foreboding, black tower. Can I take your coat?
GANDALF: Sure! Thanks.
SARUMAN: Tell me what you know.
GANDALF: It's definitely the One Ring. Frodo Baggins has it - here, I brought you a dossier on him. He should get to the Inn of the Prancing Pony about 6:05 tonight. He and his friends will probably go to bed around 11:00, and not bother to lock their door.
SARUMAN: Very useful. Can I take your staff?
GANDALF: Uh, I'd rather you didn't.
SARUMAN: Too late; already did. Can I throw you against the wall?
GANDALF: Oof! Hey!
SARUMAN: Can I bloody your nose? Can I polish the floor with your head? Can I lock you on the top of the tower? Excellent! So long, sucker.
GANDALF: (locked on top of tower) Okay, that didn't go so well.
BREE
MERRY: So we're miles away from home, being chased by Black Riders, and seem to be missing a wizard. What should we do?
PIPPIN: Get drunk?
MERRY: My thoughts exactly.
Meanwhile, the RING continues to chat up FRODO.
RING: You know, I've seen a lot of hobbits in my time, but you're taller than some, and definitely fairer than most. No, you really are. Can I, uh, get on your finger? It'll be fun. Come on.
FRODO swoons and falls over. RING pounces onto his finger. EVERYONE IN BREE stares at the Amazing Disappearing Hobbit trick.
FRODO: Oops.
ARAGORN intervenes, getting all four hobbits into a private chamber in thirty seconds flat.
ARAGORN: You lads have a lot to learn. You're staying in my room tonight.
FRODO: Um...that's very kind of you, but we'd rather not.
ARAGORN: It's okay; there's plenty of space in the beds.
MERRY: We're really not interested, sir - but thank you, all the same.
ARAGORN: No no: you four would get in the beds; I'd keep watch.
SAM: Can I whack him in the knees with a candlestick, Mr. Frodo? Please?
ARAGORN: Look - I'm not a perv; I'm just trying to keep you safe. Oh, forget it.
BREE, LATER THAT NIGHT
RINGWRAITHS knife the hobbits' beds. Goosedown explodes into the air.
RINGWRAITH: Screeeeee!* (*An expression which here means: "My word! They're made of feathers! How did they go running around like that?")
BREE, ARAGORN'S ROOM
ARAGORN: Told you.
FRODO: Fine.
WEATHERTOP
ARAGORN: Don't worry. I'll protect you. So, see you after dinner.
ARAGORN wanders off. RINGWRAITHS show up. HOBBITS brandish swords pathetically.
SAM: Go away! Shoo!
RINGWRAITH bats him aside.
MERRY: We kindly request that you go away!
PIPPIN: In the name of common decency!
RINGWRAITHS bat them aside.
FRODO: I haven't had time to practice using this sword yet, so I think it's safer if I just drop it and roll around on the ground.
SAM: No, Mr. Frodo! That's if you're on fire!
FRODO: Oh, damn it, I always mix those up.
Meanwhile, RING insinuates itself onto FRODO's hand again.
RING: Nazgul! My darling saviors! Over here, over here!
FRODO: Shut up! Whose side are you on, anyway?
RING: Take a wild guess, pansy.
RINGWRAITH wanders over and stabs FRODO. ARAGORN appears with a torch and drives RINGWRAITHS away.
ARAGORN: Hm. Frodo seems to be dying. Let's get a move on.
SAM: Hey, great job protecting us, by the way.
FOREST
ARWEN rides up.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hey, Arwen, what'd you do, knock out Glorfindel and steal his horse?
ARAGORN: Sam, help me take off Frodo's shirt. Oh, hi, Arwen! Um, this isn't what it looks like.
ARWEN: Hi, dear. I'm kidnapping your friend.
FRODO: (wheeze) It's okay...I can ride by myself...
ARWEN: Nonsense. You're totally helpless; didn't you get the memo?
ARWEN picks him up and whisks him away.
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