TOWER OF CIRITH UNGOL
SAM, lost, stops in a stairwell and sings out:
SAM: "The stars at night...are clear and bright..."
FRODO'S VOICE: (weak) "...deep in the heart of Texas..."
SAM: Woohoo!
SAM charges that direction and kills an Orc mid-whip. FRODO is lying in a swoon on a heap of rags, half-naked.
DROOLING FANGIRLS: Oh, HECK yeah! Come on, sugar, get those hands out of the way.
OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Eww! You're corrupting my immaculate Tolkien experience!
SAM: Darling! You're alive!
FRODO: Sam, dear...if we ever get back to the Shire, remind me to enroll you in a First Aid course. We really must review how to find a pulse.

PELENNOR FIELDS
MOLLY: Quite a lot of intense fighting takes place here. Once again I shall try to sum up the highlights.
WITCH KING: (evil shriek)
THEODEN: Aaaagh!
EOWYN: Roaaaar!
MERRY: Um...roar! Yes! What she said!
WITCH KING delivers smackdown.
MERRY and EOWYN: Ow!
MERRY and EOWYN deliver counter-smackdown.
WITCH KING: Ow.
WITCH KING dies. EOWYN collapses. MERRY wanders off somewhere. PIPPIN finds him under an Orc.
PIPPIN: Merry! Long time no see!
MERRY: Hello, Pippin. (cough) Would you believe I...got lucky with a hot Rohirrim chickie?
PIPPIN: Er...no. No, Merry, I wouldn't. I'm sorry; I want to humor you when you're this hurt; but no, that's really quite beyond the realm of credibility.
MERRY: Then how do you explain this...(cough)...lipstick on my armor?
PIPPIN: (cry of disbelief) No fair! And all I got was an oily unconscious steward!

MORDOR
FRODO and SAM stumble into view wearing Orc gear. AUDIENCE bursts into giggles.
AUDIENCE: Somehow I don't think this is supposed to be funny, but it is.
FRODO: I'm forlorn. Desolate. Wretched.
SAM: Very eloquent, sir. Here I was just going to say, "This place sucks."
FRODO: I hate wearing shoes. Especially iron shoes. And this mask smells funny.
SAM: Well, that's to be expected.
FRODO swoons, draping himself over a boulder.
FRODO: Let me die. I cannot go on.
SAM: Sure you can. Think of the Shire.
FRODO: It never existed. You're lying.
SAM: Now, what were the rules we set?
FRODO: (humble) No more calling you a liar?
SAM: That's right. Now let's get you up.
(Five minutes later)
FRODO stumbles to his knees and starts beating his head against a rock.
FRODO: This is hopeless! We're doomed. We should have given the bloody thing to the Gondor brothers.
SAM inserts himself between FRODO and rock.
SAM: Sir. Remember our agreement.
FRODO: (humble) No wigging out?
SAM: That's right. Now will you stop wigging out if I move away from the rock?
FRODO: Yes.
(Five minutes later)
FRODO flings himself onto the ground and writhes in agony.
FRODO: I can't bear it. Life is horrid. My heart is shriveled and my soul is dead. The blackness of despair shrouds my eyes. I choke on pain and anguish.
SAM: That's it - no more listening to The Cure for you.
SAM picks FRODO up, slings him over his shoulder, and carries him up the mountain.

MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF: Now I guess it's time to knock on death's door and invite them out to battle. Draw Sauron's eye to us instead of Frodo.
ARAGORN: All in the hopes of giving Sam and Frodo a chance.
LEGOLAS: A diversion.
ARAGORN: Yeah, thanks, Paraphrase Boy.

MOUNT DOOM
GOLLUM: Wait! Lassst chance! You know you want to sssee how pretty Ring looks on my toe, you know you do! Give it to us!
SAM: How about I pound your head with a rock instead?
FRODO: Know what? Change of plans. I'm not throwing it into the volcano.
SAM: Yes you are.
FRODO: No, I have a new idea: I'm going to take over the world. All shall love me and despair.
SAM: But I already love you and despair.
GOLLUM: Smeagol will take over world with you, yes yes! Give it to us!
FRODO: No!
GOLLUM: Yes!
FRODO: NO!
GOLLUM: YES! (chomp)
FRODO: Ow!!
GOLLUM falls triumphantly into fiery chasm from whence Ring came, taking FRODO's finger and the Ring with him. SAM hauls FRODO out of the special Place To Throw Stuff Into Lava room. They find temporary refuge from flowing molten rock on a boulder.
FRODO: Hey, I can remember the Shire again! Small comfort, considering we seem to have about five minutes to live.
SAM: It's a shame. Now I'll never get to marry Rosie Cotton.
FRODO: (startled) YOU want to marry a girl? Really?
SAM: Aye. Why is that so hard to believe?
FRODO: It's just - er - well - you know, I think I must have misinterpreted several things you've said over the past couple decades, Sam. Forgive me.
SAM: No matter. Could you hold me in your arms before we die, sir?
FRODO: See - like that statement, right there. Oh, who cares...
FRODO holds SAM in his arms. They pass out, but GIANT EAGLES rescue them.
WISEACRES IN AUDIENCE: So, how come the eagles didn't just pick them up in Rivendell and carry them straight to Mount Doom in the first place? Why did they have to WALK?
REST OF AUDIENCE: Shhh.

MINAS TIRITH
GANDALF: Hello, Frodo. Thanks for doing all the dirty work. Saved our butts, let me tell you.
FRODO: Gandalf! You're alive! Legolas! You're alive! Gimli! You too! Aragorn! Merry! Pippin! ...Okay, I'm starting to get tired. Are there many more of you?

MINAS TIRITH AGAIN
ARAGORN is getting coronated. Which should be a word, if it isn't. He clears his throat and starts singing in Elvish.
PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOK: Jeez, people sing a lot in this movie.
PEOPLE WHO HAVE READ THE BOOK: Hah. That's nothing. You ought to read the book.
LEGOLAS steps out, wearing bridal white and a coy smile. He and ARAGORN gaze into one another's eyes.
LEGOLAS: Are you ready to kiss your bride, my lord?
ARAGORN: Heck yeah. Come here, you.
LEGOLAS steps aside and lets ARWEN in.
ARAGORN: Oh! Arwen! Right. Wow, hi. Heh. Uh - come here, you.
ARAGORN kisses ARWEN. WATCHING ELVES smile as if the sight of a bristly-faced human tonguing a pristine Elf doesn't turn their stomach.
FARAMIR: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single noblewoman. Oh, well.
EOWYN: The only thing that would make this day better would be meeting an attractive, single nobleman. Oh, well.

SHIRE
SAM and ROSIE are getting married. FRODO stands by, smiling generously.
FANATICAL FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: (sobbing) This is the saddest scene in the whole trilogy.
RESPECTABLE AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Oh, give it up already.

GREY HAVENS
GANDALF: I will not say, 'Do not weep,' for not all tears are an evil.
AUDIENCE: Good, because that's all we've been doing for the last three hours.
FRODO: Goodbye, Pippin. I'm glad you found your courage. Goodbye, Merry. I'm glad you got to wear horse-themed armor. Sam...
FRODO hugs SAM.
FRODO: I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.
FRODO kisses SAM on the forehead. FANATICAL FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS stop sobbing for a moment and perk up.
FRODO/SAM SHIPPERS: Oh, hey! I totally need to screencap that and turn it into an LJ icon.
SAM, however, is still weeping.
SAM: Can't I come join you, someday?
FRODO: Let's not talk about that. The audience doesn't need comforting with such pitiful little shreds of hope. Goodbye, my friends.
FRODO smiles as he sails away, at peace in the knowledge that he never again has to get up at five a.m. to have the makeup people put hobbit feet on him.

AUDIENCE: (sobbing) I can't believe it's over. What do I have left to live for now?
PETER JACKSON: Well, there's the extended version, due out in November. Complete with silly outtakes - I promise! And then someday there's the full-extra-special boxed set of 241 DVD's. And eventually there's that musical they're making...
AUDIENCE: November?? (crumples to the ground, weeping) You rip out my heart and tear it to shreds and mash it into the sticky popcorn on the theater floor, and then try to console me with freaking outtakes in freaking November?? I hate you, I hate you...I hate you...(*sniffle*)...Can we come back and see it again tomorrow?
PETER JACKSON: Of course you can, precious.

 

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