Farmer MacEgan's Daily Scrawl October 2001
10/3/01
Today has a strange mood about it. Things have been a struggle lately. I have been experiencing a lot of panic attacks. I am not sure what they are all about, but it creates a fear in my mind and a lot of mental anguish. I started a new book called "The Message" it is a book about a guy that went into a coma and travelled through a spiritual world and is now back sharing the truth of it with the world. This book has a really great spirit about it. Last night I went with a friend, glenn, to a full moon gathering. It was a great experience to meet a lot of new people. Most of the people there were really open and their was a strong collective consciousness of love and peace. We ate a great meal and then the floor was open for musicians, poets, etc. I shared a poem and it was well received. Lots of great musicians played a few song on guitar, mandolin, banjo, etc. Afterwards we gathered up drums and played our hearts out. My hands are a bit sore today from it. This was a beautiful experience overall. Back to the strange mood, somewhat melancholy, somewhat alone in the midst of so many people. I really feel the need to reach out to others, to discover what positive things I can accomplish. I had a fear sneak up on me today related to the future. It always seems we live in the past and the future. One of my favorite writers, C. S. Lewis, once said " We live in the shadowlands" I feel our joy lies somewhere in our ability to progress, learn and grow. There is always hope in sight on the horizon.
The Dream We Share
The river trickles down,
Like the time when we met,
The excitement that rushed though our veins;
The sound of splashing joy,
At our fingertips.
We share a dream together,
You and I,
That flows ever onward;
With the gravity of love,
Pushing on past all the rocks of sorrow.
Down to the goal,
Spilling into a fan of trickles,
And settling out to the lake of peace.
We dwell and fuse together,
Part of the same dream,
The dream of life we share.
We all live and share the dream. It is so important that we strive to make a positive difference in the world. My friend Matt left for a 2 year mission today. It was a bit strange saying goodbye, I will miss him, we have had a lot of great times. Strange to think what 2 years might bring. I wish love and beauty to everyone that reads this and please let me know where I can help, my friends are all like family to me. In the words of the dijeridoo player "give me an emotion, and I will play it!"
10/10/01
Today has really been a fabulous day. My morning class went well and I spent the afternoon helping a former student of mine figure out a website problem. I really like consulting work, its fun to put out fires. I am listening to a book on tape right now, the title is "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Robert Heinlein. The book is about a martian living on earth. His experiences and feelings really tell us something about ourselves and some of the sad trivialities of life. I highly recommend this book as a cross section on the human experience. Yesterday I took some time to study the philosophy of "Existentialism" I wrote a humorous poem on the subject. I am open to anyones comments on what this term means
The Essense of Existentialism
To exist no longer requires us to make a change,
But still the same,
We effect the world and play silly games,
Not able to grasp,
What is possible just yet;
Wander around inventing ways,
To shutter and fret.
Down is our direction of movement,
But up seems to be the choice;
Many take Shakespeare for grantid,
Did I hear someone say, "Who's James Joyce?"
Share with me your water of existence,
And I will impart a lake in time.
Best wishes to all in these crazy moving times. Keep love and compassion in your hearts and make a difference today.
10/17/01
Wow have things been busy lately and life for me has been full of a lot of emotional highs and lows. Last weekend Rob, Dustin & I spent friday and saturday cutting up wood from Rob's back yard and hauling it to my house so I can keep my studio warm for the winter. I have a few photos you can see here. I have been getting in touch with some of the old rock bands I used to love such as "the Sundays" and "Echo & the Bunnymen" I find that it is easy to get used music cheap on the internet. Some friends and I started a new club of sorts. We get together and do something interactive and then listen to music or watch a video and talk about it. It is similar to poetry and vinyl that Matt and I started. This weeks meeting yielded an interesting story. We each wrote a couple sentences and passed it around. This is what we came up with:
The man from Mars shrugged and looked up wondering at the earth's sun. Humans had a way of looking at things in a way he just didn't understand. Humans only see the illusion, they don't know everything, so they make up the rest. Soon, all of thier facts are diluted by fear and speculation, then they run around and hide from each other. They stare up at the planets and wonder what is out there, but they do not look at each other to see what is here. To connect would be the ultimate joy, yet they strand themselves in a midst of the sea of chaos. What those silly humans didn't understand was they were all living in a cave, their reality consisted only of the shadows on the wall. Fear encased, blind to reality.
One day the humans decided to see what was outside the cave, so they chose seven people to explore the outside world. Those seven people ended up never coming back, since they could not bear to return after seeing the reality outside of the shadows. Some people believed that they didn't return because of the danger of the outside---but a few, now and then, began to follow.
Pretty interesting story, lots of things to think about. I will let you read into it how you may. Much love and light to everyone.
10/24/01
O the blessed freedoms of life and the insanity of the experience. I am reading a book called "The Message" by Lance Richardson. It is a near-death experience type of story. I am not sure what to think, I have felt close to some of the concepts, but it seems like such a limited perspective. It is worth reading though. I met a girl this weekend named Heather, she's a great person with a crazy streak. I bought the coolest chairs this weekend for around my table. They are red velvet on silver metal frames. Stay tuned for pictures. Rob and I have decided to start up a new band, it will be a techno-groove band in which I play the keyboards, guitar and program the beats and Rob will play bass and whatever else we come up with. If anyone has any suggestions for a band name, please post them! Were excited to be back together after a short recess to crank out some fresh tunes. Life and its possibilities, I am constantly in amazement at all there is to learn and do. I received another CD I ordered today, it is the Sundays "Static & Silence", it is pretty mellow, but has a smooth groove to it. Hey everyone let me know where I can help, much love to all.
Careful Courage to Love
Dropped into a dark dream,
We search carefully for the courage to love;
The courage to speak soft words,
The courage to hold someone close.
We pack our bags with fear,
And let the heaven out of our lives,
Run, run, not to fear,
But to the love that binds everything in this world and the next.
Seek the frequency that binds the souls together,
And keeps us from facing sorrow alone.
Take a flight of fancy around this existence,
And drop flowers on the heads of all the the dear,
Tender beautiful ones.
Take courage, take control, and face fear with love
A shout out to my friend and co-worker Ryan N. He is a true friend and a careful listener. God be with us.
10/30/01
I am so happy today. I want to go play and have fun, but i am stuck at work for a little while. People at work are great and I love my job. Teaching is such a rewarding profession. I had a wonderful weekend. My birthday party went great. Thanks and hugs to all my friends who came by to wish me a happy 30th. My gifts were as follows: a neat halloween flower arangement with a cool cat pot and a neat little soft ghost, a couple nice shirts, a Lord of the Rings action figure, a Final Fantasy action figure, a honey pot, some incense, some kitchen utensils and chop sticks, a neat celtic knot book, and a wonderful book about whales. I also got a great book called "Going Home: Jesus and Buddha as Brothers" I have read the first chapter, it is very deep. It talks about getting in touch with your inner essence and seperating the phenomenal from the noumenal. We speak and act on a very horizontal plane and God is plave on a vertical plane. It is not possible to describe the nature of what God is in horizontal terms. The book also covers some key similarities between Christianity and Buddhism. What a wonderful and deep book.
Something wonderful has come into my life. Her name is Heather. She is such a kind and beautiful person. She has captured my heart. I am so excited. She is so good to me, I feel so lucky!
Shout my Heart Sings
Carefully the wind rustles the trees,
And drops the leafs to flutter to the ground;
Soft landing, going home,
Reaching out for Mother,
To smell the soiled days,
And piled up memories that sharpen my senses,
That sing soft, yet undieing love to my heart.
I see the autumn sparkle in your eyes,
We spend a thousand indian summers,
Together, today, in a moment,
You whisper eternity in my ear,
We fear nothing together,
Oh Joy, run, sing, dance, live, love,
And feel the water,
In the waves of love.
I am writing again because I have returned to work. I went and visited Heather and tried to hang out at her work till she got off, but she got in trouble and I felt like a heel. I am really excited on the other hand because I got "Final Fantasy" on DVD. I don't know why, but I love this movie, it hits something deep inside of me. I am slightly frustrated tonight. I just wanted to spend time with Heather and I feel she is not appreciated at her job. I want her to be happy.
