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Weird healing that comes with closure
By Bebos Hi All,
Well, it's been 7 weeks to the day since he dropped the bomb. And I wanted to give some hope to people out there really suffering, because I finally got my closure and it feels so freaking good.
7 weeks ago I came to this site in a complete mess. Beyond mess. It was a dark and twisted place, I didn't know which end was up, I was wracked with anxiety, could not sleep, could not eat for 2 weeks, couldn't make sense of anything, couldn't function.
I followed lots of advice on this list, namely:
1. kept a journal
2. learned from people on BUS, gave advice when I could
3. listened to music that made me feel good (no sad songs! no music that reminded me of the ex!)
4. got rid of everything ex-related (deleted all text messages, all emails in my inbox, put everything else away or in the trash)
5. made plans with friends I loved and trusted every night, so I could get out of my house, feel loved, and have something to look forward to
6. Remembered I've survived broken hearts before
7. Put pictures of people and times that made me happy on my fridge and my office (including ex's!! a reminder that I made it through before!)
8. cried as much as I needed to
9. went to therapy twice a week
10. exercised
Those were the top things that got me through. essentially, I'm an obsessive personality so I obsessed about staying healthy. Because I hated the dark place. You know what I mean. Turning my energy inward helped a great deal.
I learned a TON in 7 weeks. A ton.
Like, I could do nothing to change his decision, so I accepted it.
When that revelation came to me, I felt peace. Because, really, if I can't control it, why worry about it?
Okay, it wasn't really THAT easy, because I had spent 6 weeks talking endlessly about him and our relationship, and I was sitting in limbo, thinking that there was a shred of hope left that he would come back. I thought this because he was so freaking upset when he dumped me. And because I saw him twice after that day, and he was upset then too. He still called me a pet name, said he loved me over and over, started crying and all around seemed confused.
So I thought maybe he'd come around. My therapist recommended getting together to have fun. NO TALKING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. just have fun, see if we can reconnect with why we fell in love in the first place.
Well, I feel like we reconnected, but it didn't do any good.
Finally last thursday I saw him again, and got my closure.
He was gracious enough to answer my questions. Namely, I wanted to make sure that:
1. He was positive he didn't want to try again
2. he wasn't dumping me because of the things I did (I gave him a list of traits I discovered in therapy that were destructive to the relationship)
And he told me that:
1. he is positive he doesn't want to try again
2. it's not my fault
3. he adores me (his word) but something is missing and he doesn't know what.
Well then, that sounds like closure to me.
I've cried a ton, but it's a different sort of crying. It's not filled with pining for him to change his mind, not filled with a longing to get back together. It's just letting him go, and all the things with it that I don't have to carry anymore. Like wondering if he'll come back. And wondering if it was my fault. And questioning why, why, why. all the time. And thinking up those stupid magic words I'd use that would win him back.
Frankly, I feel free. It's been a long freaking 7 weeks. In grieving time, it feels more like a million years, as you know.
I still feel lost sometimes, and still feel uncomfortable. But I don't feel like my life won't go on without him. In fact, it's quite the opposite. The guy doesn't want to be with me. I don't understand exactly why, I think he's an idiot for not working through our issues, I think if we tried we'd live happily ever after and all that crap. But he doesn't feel the same way. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me, is devoted to us, and is willing to go through the tough times to get back to happy ones.
My ex is not that person.
Somehow, accepting this is helping me find peace. So is letting the emotion come when it comes. I have learned to sit with it, do the crying, feel unhappy and uncomfortable, and trust that it will pass. It always does.
I'm confident that letting him go is making room for someone else. I'm no where near ready to date again. But I'm learning from what I did and what he did, and it will only help me in my next relationship. whenever that is. the thought of looking is still not appealing.
anyway, I have a very long history with this guy coming in and out of my life, so perhaps this is my final straw. thank GOD for final straws.
Just wanted to share. Click here to read and respond to Bebos' original thread |
