To break no contact or not to break no contact? That seems to be the question for a lot of us. I even bet there are even a couple of you trying to talk yourself out of calling that number or hitting that send button right now. I agonize over this every day. Sometimes I miss him so much I think I won't make it through another minute.
But if you are thinking of breaking no contact, take it from me, DON'T DO IT! Chances are nothing good will come of it and in almost every case you will end up hurting yourself. You'll miss them even more. You'll feel pathetic and needy. You'll set yourself back in the healing process. I know this because I've done it over and over. I know it's not easy to just erase someone you love so dearly, someone who has become such a huge part of your everyday life. Frankly, it SUCKS, but if you contact them, it will probably suck a little more. (or maybe a lot more)
In the hopes of saving you from making the same mistakes I have, I thought maybe I'd make a list of some of the reasons I used to convince myself that it would be okay to break the no contact rule and the (not so fun) consequences...
1) In the beginning, I just couldn't take it. I would call to try and convince him that this was all a big mistake. This took on several forms...a) The sobbing call. "I can't live without you. I love you more than anything in the world, etc..." b) The angry call. "How can you do this to us? Do you really want to throw 3 years of our lives away? Was it all just a lie? I hate you!" c) The drunk call....more sobbing followed by incoherent pleading to take me back...
I think all of these calls just made him think he made the right choice in breaking up with me. After all...who wants to date someone who is that needy. Also, it was obvious that he could use me as a back up plan if he ever did change his mind.
2) Next I tried "I can't go another day without my frying pan" so I have to call and ask for it back.. Take it from me guys. JUST BUY ANOTHER FRYING PAN. Someone who breaks up with you does not care if you take back your frying pan and will be happy to send it to you or do whatever. I thought maybe if I took my stuff back he would realize that we were really breaking up and suddenly want to get back together. He didn't care and I was left with an old frying pan that I didn't want in the first place and another reminder that we were really over. Also, I'm pretty sure he saw through my lame excuse to talk to him.
3) Then I moved on to the casual call. I convinced myself that he might be thinking about getting back together at any minute and I just needed to call him and he would suddenly have some big epiphany. In my head the call would go something like this:
Me: Hey, just calling to see how things are going...I'm doing fine.
Him: Wow! It's so good to hear from you. I was worried that you had moved on, but now that you've called me, I wanted to tell you that I think we can work things out and get back together.
What actually happened every time I tried one of these "casual," calls, was that I ended up getting frustrated that he was acting just as casual as me. Usually, I would end up steering the conversation towards getting back together and basically, I would feel rejected all over again by the end of the conversation because it would become obvious that he had no interest in getting back together.
Trust me, if this person broke up with you, they will call YOU if they suddenly realize that they made a mistake. They don't want to talk to you anymore and you calling them is not going to change that. If you can do it, save yourself a little pride and don't make this call. In the end, this is just another reminder to them that they can have you back anytime they want you because you are obviously still thinking about them.
4) There was a time when I actually convinced myself that I should call because I wanted to be friends. I was desperate to talk to him and I thought that I it would be worth it to have him in my life even just as friends. This is the worst idea I've had yet. It completely stifled the healing process, and definitely set me back months. I convinced him that we should stay in contact and then didn't sleep at night waiting for him to call me back. It was awful.
If you are on this board and still hurting from the break up, you cannot be friends with this person. Don't even try it.
5) My latest reason for calling was a combination of 2 things. First he called me after 23 days of no contact and after a week of debating, I convinced myself it would be rude not to call him back. Second, I've been feeling better about things so I thought I could handle it. WRONG! Although, I stood my ground better this time and managed to not break down or even talk about getting back together, I still have to admit that a part of me was hoping he had called to tell me he wanted to get back together. I think the truth was that although he may have been missing me a little, he just needed a little reassurance that he could still keep me as a back up plan.
Once again, I ended up missing him more than I have in weeks. I'm sad because he hasn't called me back after that conversation and I feel more alone than I have in a while.
The bottom line is the no contact rule is important because it eliminates the person who is causing you all this pain and allows you to start moving on. It allows you to take control of your life by making a decision to help yourself and stop worrying about your ex. You don't need a verbal (or written) reminder of your break up. Don't contact them! If any of you out there have things to add to the list or other thoughts on this, I would love to hear them. I struggle every day with the need to call my ex.
Thanks for listening!
