About Grief

When a relationship ends regardless of how it happens; the disintegration of an intimate bond or through a death it is inevitable that we will feel sorrow and the anguish of our loss. Grief is a normal development following a loss, and necessary to begin the healing process. We must allow ourselves the essential time to work through our sorrow. Grief is the natural response to the ending or termination of a relationship. It is a loss a separation from those or that one we love therefore, it is natural to feel pain. We have lost something of value in our lives that is not replaceable. Following the loss, it is essential to give ourselves this time to experience our grief and move through the stages. For each one of us the span of time that is required to work through the stages of loss is different. It all depends on the individual, the length of time involved, the depth of the commitment, and the strength of the emotional bond. The stronger the emotional bond the more time we will need.

Our culture does not teach us how to handle grief, so consequently we find ourselves without a model for appropriate behavior. How do we deal with our pain, how are we are expected to react; we are lost in these circumstances as we lack a model for grief.  Customarily we turn to those closest to us our family or friends for support. To our dismay, we often discover that they are as bewildered as we are. Often the response is to erect a wall between themselves and our grief. Not being able to help and not having a model for grief, they often attempt to end our condition by commanding us to “to get over it and get on with our lives”. Ending our grief and getting on with our lives is of course what we desire. However, as we are unable to end our grief on command, consequently this advice does not work to our benefit. Easy enough to command that one should end ones grief, but how do we do this.  In essence, we are being told to bury our feelings, to disregard them, and so as a result, we have no outlet for the pain, nor are we allowed to express our grief, we must swallow it. Eventually we reach the point where we feel on the verge of exploding from our suppressed emotions. 

In attempting to follow the instructions set forth by our trusted friends and family, we tend to be ruthless with ourselves. The result of this is that we stuff our feelings, repress them to the point where they manifest themselves in harmful ways.  Repressing emotions often leads to depression and, possible physical illness. Depression makes it difficult to make decision or to carry them out.  Our behavior may become obsessive, burying ourselves in work, or we may seek to forget our pain by indulging in drugs or alcohol. Denying our pain and not allowing ourselves to experience or express our feelings can leave us feeling empty. Our lives have changed, something is missing, the future looks grim, dark and colorless, and life has taken a downward spiral, our confidence in our ability to control our lives has been disrupted. Our insecurity permeates every perception, we live our lives as an afterthought.

Grief disrupts our sleep and, contaminates our dreams, despair replaces hope; we have lost our balance.  The sense of safety that is so important to our well-being has been shaken. Our ability to make decisions is based on our trust that the participants that are here today and, the environment that encompasses them will be here again tomorrow. It is rooted in our sense of safety in our belief in the continuity of our world, as we know it. 
We have lost our faith in the future and, in the intransience of life. What we conceive our world to be has changed, become distorted. Something of value has been removed, lost, or misplaced; all our expectations and plans are no longer relevant. We are lost, and disoriented, our hopes and dreams for the future shattered, all expectations suspended, the world around us an alien place. 

We need to have compassion for ourselves, regardless of the manner of loss, were it death, or dissolution, of a relationship. We need time to learn to move forward without our loved one or loved ones. We need time to reconstruct our world without that special someone in it. We need to learn to trust ourselves again, and to gain trust in the stability of the world we build, and to move forward and live again,

Because we are powerless against our pain, we fear that we are destined to experience forever this moment is time. There is hope, and given time and work, we can move forward but first we must acknowledge our grief, work with it and learn to accept this life change. We need to accept the fact that we have suffered a loss and, that we are in pain. However acknowledging our grief will not cause the pain to vanish, nevertheless doing so is the first step for healing your heart and, your life.

Aliah Dancing/sprialdreams