Spread’s Advice……

1. We are broken up so after returning each other’s stuff, we have no contact.  This isn’t high school so when we breakup it’s over.  That means, you go your way and I go mine.
   
2. “Let’s Be Friends” is just a way your ex tries to have you and be free at the same time.  “Let’s Be Friends” usually, means, let’s do all the things we used to do together (including sex and intimacy), but I’ll be free to date other’s and do what I want.  It means I don’t care that this will break your heart because I’m selfish and narcissistic and probably a commitment-phobic person who has problems with intimacy.”
   
3. You don’t want to be friends.  You want a relationship.  Don’t let him/her downgrade your relationship like a blue light special at K-Mart!  You will suffer if you pretend to be friends.  Don’t settle for crumbs or “sloppy seconds”.  Don’t think that you have to be friends just because that’s what your ex wants.  You don’t have to be anything.  You choosing to be nothing with your ex is YOUR POWER!  Again, your ex probably doesn’t really want to be friends.  He/she probably wants to keep you around, as a back-up plan, or “on the back burner”.   Your ex is probably ambivalent and can’t live with you and can’t live without you so he/she decides to have both.  Your ex may even love you but that doesn’t mean you have to agree to be jerked around.  Again, don’t settle for crumbs!
4. If you still think you want to be “friends” with your ex, take the following test.  Think about how you would feel going on a double-date with your ex and his/her new special person.  If you can imagine this with no problem then fine…by all means be friends.  If you think you would die in this situation, it means you aren’t interested in being friends. Imagine yourself in the back seat with your date at the drive-in theatre and your ex is in the front seat with his new girlfriend kissing and gazing into each other’s eyes. If the thought of this makes your stomach curl, then you are not going to be “friends”.  You are interested in a relationship with your ex! Don’t lie and trick yourself thinking that if you’ll be friends that your ex will come around and want a relationship with you. They won’t.  The only way they will come around is if you go away and they realize they made a mistake. Maybe they will want to have sex with you and your ex will keep you as a back-up plan but that’s just hurtful and won’t be good for you.   Just because your ex wants to be “friends” doesn’t mean you have to go along for the painful ride.  Remember, most of the time, they don’t really want to be “friends”.  They are using “friends” as a way of controlling you.  They use it was a way to keep you close but not too close.  They want to still have you but have the option of being with others (including sexually).  This is not true friendship.  This is emotional slavery. If you want to be your ex’s emotional back-up slave then go ahead, but it’s going to hurt you badly.
5. If your ex tries pressuring you into being friends, tell him/her, “I’m not looking for friends.  You and I are beyond just friends.  If you want a relationship we can talk, but if you don’t then you need to leave me alone and let me go.  You can’t have it both ways…sorry.”  Be nice to him/her.  Don’t be angry just because they want the relationship differently.  Maybe they will decide later they want you back and it’s a lot easier to decide that if you were nice to him/her the last time you spoke.
   
6. No contact is the best way for moving on in a relationship.  Although you should look at it mainly as a tool for moving on and accepting the end of the relationship, please realize that what they say about “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is absolutely true.  Realize that the only way you can make someone who is distancing from you “come your way” is by distancing from them yourself.  Distancing means not calling, not e-mailing, not sending cards, not sending messages through friends.  Distancing can also be done by dating other people.
   
7. Have you ever had a pet that ran away and you chased after it, and the more you chased/pursued the faster the pet ran away from you?  However, the minute you stop chasing him, he would slow down then stop?  Do you remember, after a few minutes if you sat down on the grass he would stop running and  even slowly start making his way back towards you?  That’s how it is much of the time in our own relationships.  No living creature likes being chased.  If someone is distancing from you, pursuing them will only push them away further.  The best way to get them to come back is to distance yourself.  This means not calling them and waiting for them to call you.  This means not writing them back or calling back immediately.  This means making them yearn for you.  This means only having contact with them when they have contact with you.  It means they take one step towards you and you take one step back.  This will make them feel safe and want to come towards you.  However, please note that if you start chasing again or acting too clingy they will again run the other way.
   
8. If you have been through this story with your ex over and over, breaking up multiple times, then you need to decide if it’s time to throw in the towel.  How long and how much time you are willing to invest in a relationship that’s going no where is a personal choice.  Only you can decide when it’s time to throw in the towel.  It sounds very romantic to say you will never give up on a great love, but does that mean that if you are 40 years old and want to get married and have kids that you can afford to waste another 10 years running after someone who seems emotionally unable?  Would it be better to count your losses now and find a new possibility?
   
9. If you have been burned and humiliated by your ex, no contact can help you regain your self-esteem and dignity.  Let your ex call you and don’t call back.  Let them e-mail you and don’t write back.  Let them get mad as hell that they dumped you and you refuse to hang around for their crumbs or sloppy seconds.  Feel the empowerment you will receive by refusing to settle for their crumbs.  You will also see how much they truly miss you which will show you that much of the time, they left not because they didn’t love you, but because they have their own intimacy issues.  If your ex doesn’t try to contact you then that’s fine too.  You need to want someone who doesn’t want to live without you.  Isn’t that the kind of relationship we all want?
   
10. In short, the best way to move on after a breakup is to stay away from your ex.  Keep your distance either by no contact or very very minimal contact, only be in contact when the ex is calling you and “reaching out” to you.  Don’t you take the initiative to reach out to someone who broke up with you!  It doesn’t make sense!   I know that sometimes you miss them so bad that you feel you can rescue the relationship by calling or begging but it will do the opposite.  Chasing someone only makes them run away faster and further.   Remember, there was a reason your ex broke up with you.  They did it because they needed space in some way.  Let them have their space and in the meantime you enjoy yours.  Use this time to emotionally separate from your ex.  Take it one day at a time.