Ex Induced Paranoia
Hi folks
I just wanted to share some of my own thoughts about something. I've noticed there's been a lot of posts on the boards recently where members are trying to guess their ex's motivation behind fairly innocuous behaviour. This level of paranoia over the ex's simplest of actions is quite normal after a break up. If we see the ex wearing a shirt we helped him pick it means he wants to reconcile with us or has hired a hit man to bump us off, if we see the ex and she has tied her hair up in a way she hasn't done for years she wants us dead, or wants us back. That's the nastiest thing about the paranoia, in our minds we can make it mean anything and everything and it really doesn't matter how small the thing we're analysing is. Believe me I was probably the worst for it.
And it's so exhausting isn't it. The shoes they wear can bring on a whole day of analysing and there's little time to think of the really important stuff like YOU and what YOU want and what YOUR plans are. A month or so after my break up I heard through a mutual friend about an outburst my ex had had over something trivial and at the time I liked to believe it meant he was angry with himself for letting me down. Truth was he was just having a bad day and in a strop about something certainly unrelated to me, in the same way that prior to the break up we had bad days unrelated to our relationship. I think the only way to help ease the paranoia is to keep reminding yourself that you are detached from each other, nothing they can say or do need have any influence on you, it's your decision if you allow any information about them to bother you. And the truth that in most cases 99.99% of the information means nothing.
I mean take this post for example, I'm just saying what I think, there's no hidden agenda. I'm not trying to conceal any other meaning for you to work out by analysing it 3 squillion times. I'm not saying the opposite of what I want to say and hoping that by re reading you will find the real message which is the total opposite of what's written here. And there's no reason to assume your ex's would be any different with you.
'Oh but you don't understand Willow, they're playing games'
Why? Why would they play games that subversive and sick? And if they were deliberately playing games with your mind do you really really want a partner who is subversive and sick when dealing with very painful situations?
'But what if they are trying to get back together and I miss that vital cue?'
If they wanted to genuinely patch things up they'd tell you, and in the build up to that at the very least they'd be making unmistakable romantic gestures, and the word romantic is the key here.
'Oh but Willow, they're much too proud/shy/dumb to be that forthright'
Well if that's the case their desire to work things out with you can't be that serious can it? And if it's not that serious then chances are it wouldn't work even if you did wheedle out of them that they wanted to get back together. Believe me, they know where you are, if they want a reconciliation they'll let you know. I mean if they rang you and pretty much said 'come and get me if you want me' and you still wanted to work things out you'd get there wouldn't you, could anything stop you? And in the same way they know you weren't too happy about the break up even if you are in no contact mode or had said angry and mean things during post break up contact.
So the upshot of this sermon is:
- 99.99% of the time their behaviour means diddlysquat in terms of how they feel about you
- If they decide they genuinely want to work it out they'll sure as eggs tell you, be sure of that
Anyway, I hope this helps someone,
Willow
