jokes and more jokes
On a par three hole with water surounding an elivated green the bloke who was first to play hits off, the ball bounces on the water up the hill onto the green. he then pronounces "that was just like having sex with the sister-in-law, i know i'm up there and i shouldn't be".
A policeman called a man in to question him about his wife's death. "Could you tell me what happened?" he asked. "well," said the man "i didn't realise my wife was at the end of the tee getting ready to swing. i drove off, and the ball struck her in the head." The policeman nodded and sais, "that agrees with the coroner's report, but i have another question. Why did she also have a golf ball up her arse? The man shrugged. "Oh, that was my mulligan.
What's the difference between Halifax Town and a triangle?
A triangle has three points.
A couple were sitting in the living room watching tv. The telephone rang, so the husband answered it. He listened for a moment and then said in a sarcastic voice, "I have no idea. why don't you call the coast guard? and hung up. "What was that all about? asked his wife. "oh, I don't know, " replied the husband.
"Some bloke wanted to know if the coast was clear."
What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
When driving in the fog you can't see the asshole in front of you.
What did one ovary say to the other?
They must be going to have a party downstairs. Two nuts are trying to push an organ up the
passage.
What is the difference between the pub and a clitoris?
Ask any bloke, and he'll tell you where the pub is!
What is green and smells of bacon?
Kermet the frogs fingers
How can you make five pounds of glistening, wobbily fat look appealing?
Stick a nipple on the top.
"doctor , doctor, every time i sit down i see visions of mickey mouse and pluto, evert time i stand up i see donald duck"
"how long have you been having these disney spells?"
"doctor ,doctor, i need some pills. i've become a kleptomaniac"
"try these" said the doctor, "and if they don't work, get me a cd player"
Paddy and Mick are having a race to the top of the hill, Paddy says "if i get to the top of the hill first i'm going to write my name on that tree at the top". So Mick says, "if i get to the top first i'm going to rub it out.
the doctor was caught in bed with the farmers wife and explained to the shocked husband that he was only taking her temperature.
the farmer took his shotgun, primed it and said, "i guess you know what you are doing, doc, but that thing had better have numbers on it when take it out.
Whats the differerence between a scotsman and a coconut?
You can get a drink out of a coconut.
last week i took my wife for plastic surgery, they cut here credit cards in half.
there is a new operation where they can change a woman into a man. it's called addadictome.
what's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecoloist?
one looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.
an english man, irish man, and a scotsman are in calctta. An old nun walks past and the scotsman says, "i wonder if that's mother theresa." The english man says, "lets ask her if she is the holy woman, to which she replies, "piss off you ugly pervert!" As they watch her walk away, the irishman, who had been silent, says "oh...now we'll never know!"
"doctor, doctor, i've got five penises," said the worried man. "how do your trouses fit?" asked the doctor. "no problem, they fit like a glove."
An irish girl was stopped for speeding in Dublin and taken to the local police station. The policeman stood up unzipped his fly, the girl cried out, "oh NO not another breathalyser test!"
