SYMPTOM

FAULT

ACTION TO TAKE

Drink fails to give satisfaction; shirt front wet

Mouth not open while drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face

Buy another pint and practice in front of mirror, continue as many times as necessary

Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste. Beer unusually pale and clear

Glass empty

Find someone who will buy you another pint

Feet cold and wet

Glass being held at incorrect angle

Turn glass so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling

Feet warm and wet

Loss of self control

Stand near dog and complain to owner about lack of house training, demand a pint in compensation

Bar blurred

You are looking through the bottom of your glass

Find someone to buy you another pint

Bar swaying

Air turbulence unusually high, possibly due to the darts match in progress

Insert broom handle down back of jacket

Bar moving

You are being carried out

Find out if you are being taken to another pub, if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked

You notice that the wall opposite is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent light strip across it

You have fallen over backwards

If glass is still full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you up and lash yourself to the bar

Everything has gone dim and you have a mouthful of dog-ends and teeth

You have fallen over forwards

See above

You have woken up to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling

You have spent another night in the gutter

Check your watch to see if it is opening time, if not then treat yourself to a well deserved lie in

Everything has gone dark

The pub is closing

PANIC