DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE

Your Strategy vs. Abuser’s Tactics

in Custody Disputes

This page of the DVA Website is awesome insight and knowledge generously shared with us by...femfree
(financial and emotional freedom)

"The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very Assertive Approach – to quickly provide credible factual information to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process."

The key to obtaining custody with the courts is proof. Being emotional is what work against us. Abusers are smooth talkers. And, they know just the right buttons to push to get an angry response from a mother seeking custody. They make accusations which are used to put a mother into a position of defence against lies. These accusations are very often projection - accusing the mothers of doing what the abusers are doing. It's well documented in personality disorders. Just knowing that fact can start us on a fast learning curve about what we are dealing with.

Here's some excerpts from Lundy Bancroft's high acclaimed book.

Why He uses the Children as Weapons Postseparation

1. He wants her to fail
2. He is losing most of his other avenues for getting at her
3. He considers the children his personal possessions.
4. His perceptions of his ex-partner are highly distorted

Many of my clients genuinely believe that they are doing what is best for their children by driving them away from their mother, because they have swallowed their own propaganda about how bad she is.

Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Author Lundy Bancroft

The Abuser’s Tactics in Custody Disputes

Here are just a few of the strategies an abuser tends to use in custody and visitation disputes:

Taking Advantage of his Financial Positions
Asking for psychological Evaluations
Most abusers do not show significant psychopathology on psychological tests, but their partners often do as a result of enduring years of abuse.
Playing the Role of Peacemaker

A great number of my clients use a routine that goes like this:

“There was a lot of fighting and bad feelings in our relationship, and I can understand that she is bitter about some things, but we need to put that all behind us for the good of the children.

She is so focused on getting revenge against me that she is forgetting about the children’s needs. That’s why I’m asking for joint custody, so that the children would get lots of time with each of us, while she’s asking for me to have only every other Saturday.”

This piece of acting seeks to take advantage of the myth that women are more vindictive than men when relationships end (in the case of abuse, however, the reality is very much the opposite) and that men are frequently victims of false accusations of abuse by women who want to keep them away from their children.

The abuser’s goal with this and all other strategies is to get the court personnel to disbelieve his ex-partner and ignore any evidence she presents.

Feigning Remose Over the Abuse
Confusing the Court with Crossaccusations
Most of my clients can lie persuasively, with soulful facial expressions, good eye contact, and colorful details.
Court personnel have trouble believing that such a pleasant-seeming man could simply be inventing most or all of his accusations against the abused woman.

Accusing Her of Trying to Turn the Children Against Him

Excerpt: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Author Lundy Bancroft

If a mother has not had the opportunity of learning the tactics of abusers,

verbal manipulation techniques,
boundary lessons,
and the all important aspect of being financially and emotionally free of them,
the abuser will continue to abuse when and where he can.
Fathers who do these things frequently have Narcissistic Personality Disorder of Psychopathy.

Heaven help any mother who takes the bait of the abuser.

The best strategy for Targets of their Blame is to take a very Assertive Approach – to quickly provide credible factual information to the court and to try to be as perfect as possible in every way during the court process.

SPLITTING – Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist by William A. Eddy, Attorney, Mediator and Clinical Social Worker http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.shtml

Take Care
femfree
(financial and emotional freedom)

"I'm mourning the myth of what I thought was reality. I wanted it to go back to like when we first met. He was so charming, humorous and complimentary---unlike any guy I ever met. He found me at a vulnerable time. My ego needed a boost. But even in the midst of this charm, there was also this gut feeling that something was not right..."
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER