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Self Help Ideas
A Few Things I've Learned, From Being Burned! I want to say after reading posts on the message board, that I am struck hard by all the pain I see here, and sympathize with and feel for all of those who are suffering. One of the themes I see here over and over again, is a seeming confusion over why a "trusted" spouse of many years suddenly wants to up and leave, especially for another. "Was it my fault?" "Is he/she just a jerk?" "I can't seem to get over the experience." "Am I unloveable?"
I want you to know that I too am feeling this kind of pain. And I have been trying hard to understand it, by reading, writing, meditating, attending therapy, and talking to close friends who have had experiences with marriage & divorce.
What I have learned so far is this (and I hope you don't mind my sharing with you):
1) when there are problems in a marriage, the fault is usually shared,
2) whichever partner wants to grow and become happier must accept his/her role in #1 and honestly try to change, whether or not the marriage is saveable,
3) deciding to leave a marriage without at least TRYING to work it out (which includes making SURE your spouse understands how unhappy you are and that you are considering leaving and usually involves marital therapy), especially if this decision involves becoming involved with someone else, is not a mature and responsible, karmically positive way of handling marital problems, ESPECIALLY if there are kids involved,
4) possible exceptions to #3 include being physically abused or being the spouse of a substance abuser who won't quit or get help,
5) running away from unhappiness is not possible, since happiness comes from within; it's just like travelling or moving...you just take your baggage with you (my wife definitely does NOT understand this),
6) there is no way to stop others from making bad decisions, no matter how hard we try, or how much of our self-esteem we are willing to sacrifice...the only one we can change is our own self...bad decisions, by the way, especially those involving hurting others, come from suffering, a lack of balance and self-control and awareness, from a person who is unhappy and is not willing to change his/her REAL self,
7) some people are less sensitive than others, and can hurt without apparently feeling it, can even appear to "shine" or "move on" after getting rid of the "chains" that bound them (ie, you and I!)...don't be fooled...these people are living life on a shallow level and are dominated by their emotions and their attachments to the material world...they are suffering enough and do not need our help! :) The best thing to do is not attract/invite them into our lives any longer. Let them GO!!!
8) finding true love starts with finding love for ourselves, giving ourselves a break, realizing that we are not nor ever will be perfect, allowing ourselves to do things we enjoy, taking care of ourselves, becoming our own best friend! How can we expect another to love us if we can't first? How could he/she be our best friend if we aren't already? This takes time and patience and is very hard, but oh so worth it!
9) figuring out what we've being doing "wrong" and getting back on the path of "who I am" and "what I really should be doing" will come after #8 gets rolling...careful here, the emphasis is not on "doing for me" as much as "doing what God/Spirit/Tao/The Universe" intended for me...if you go down the hedonistic path, you'll wind up unhappy again!...this is hard, too!
10) resentment, anger, jealousy, envy, criticism, judgment, as well as fear, anxiety, sadness, depression, shame, guilt--whether directed to your ex, your self, or others--are a drain that will suck you down into the pits of the pits...though it's not unhealthy to allow negative emotions to surface, if you find yourself constantly at their mercy...PLEASE GET HELP! meditate, seek counseling, read self-help books, experience nature, watch inspiring movies (with your kids, with your friends, with your dog, with yourSELF), exercise, figure out what you love to do and do it, learn from your children! chat, find a local support group, start over, talk to God/Spirit/Tao/ The Universe/The Higher Power, love, love, and LOVE! "All you need is love, love; love is all you need."
Giving unsolicited advice kind of sucks...for me, at least it's a habit I'm trying to break! :) I'm doing it only because it seems to be acceptable here, and so many people are suffering and I just want to help...if you're not me, you may not be able to benefit from this; forgive me for trying!
Thanks for reading, and love and peace to you all! Recommended by  Loki4Love, 9/18/2000.
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Do The Work! I've been separated for a year now and my divorce will be final next month. I always have considered myself a strong person, so I pretended likethe separation didn't hurt and I was happy it was over. But, let me say one thing about it, the baggage of pain and issues from divorce is like a bundle of bricks-if you don't work through them and learn to let them go, they stay in the corner and every once in a while, a brick is thrown and hits you in the head. For me it was the whole bag. Now, it's like it just happened. My word of advice for self-help is to accept what has happened, and work through the pain. No one is invinceable. To move on, you has to realize that only a chapter of your life is over, not the whole book. You may realize that it wasn't that wonderful of a story anyways. Work on yourself, learn to love who you are, and make the rest of your life a good read! Recommended by Jacqueline , 3/23/2001.
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Family and friends When my stbx and I first broke up I made it a point to surround myself with caring, generous people. These people are my family and friends who have stuck with me over the years and didn't judge me. I have a core group of people who I share details with and they always make me feel loved and comforted. Even though I go through a lot of ups and down, I have never felt anything from them other than concern. Many times they have nothing to say and that is all I need, a listening ear. I send out weekly e-mails to keep these people up to date so they know where I am at and how they can pray for me and my family. You can NEVER have enough good friends. Make sure you have them as close to you as possilble. You never know when you will need to make a phone call or pay someone a visit. Recommended by pardonthedust, 5/2/2003.
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Fresh Mess? I cannot believe how many people seem to understand what it feels like to be totally devastated by the end or thereabouts of a relationship. Obviously, everybody except the extremely lucky will go through it, but I couldn't believe anyone else could actually feel quite as BAD as me. I wandered my way through the net aimlessly today - my only solution for happiness is for Him to come back (he won't) so I wasn't looking for answers. Just a way of filling dreaded time. Now I know I'm not the only one that - sits in the house alone crying all day - constantly, in fact, in so many ways that one word doesn't cover it - can't face work or things that I "need" to do - wakes up at dawn with too little time before reality strikes - chain smokes - sits clutching "His Sock" just to feel new waves of grief - "knows" that "there'll never be another" (how could I ever Want another?) - phones to leave messages - the same one - "hi, just phoned to say hi, see if you were ok". I picture Him being unable to cope without me. Why? Why am I frightened that His new woman won't care for him like I did? - wishes I was taller, slimmer, had a nicer body, so I could be lovable - can't face the time that spreads out before me any more than I can accept that time is passing whilst we are apart - can't face the dreams I wanted to fulfil because they were never meant to be done alone - can't believe He could give them up, give me up, but it looks like He has, but WHY? - only have one desire, to press my face into His chest and hear words that I know will never come. And then, I discover something weird. I was cold, so I finally got dressed at midday and the only clean clothes I had were a great jumper and comfy trousers. And they made me feel better. There's nothing worse than not getting up for several days. I had a cup of tea (ran out of coffee yesterday) and remembered having a cup of tea with my mother every day as a kid. I absent-mindedly ate a piece of bread - the first food I'd had for a day or so. That gave me the energy to cry a bit more. And amidst the agony, I noticed a funny video on my shelf, which made me cry again - how could I think about laughing now? But for a moment, I did. Why? Why am I getting glimmers of these things when I know I am destroyed? But for the first time, reading so many "stories" from other people, reading through the "help yourself" pages - well, perhaps other people DO feel as bad as this too. And if I'm not the only one, well, perhaps it's normal. Perhaps it's ok to change from an assertive, healthy successful woman into a howling ghost. Perhaps it's ok to have not emptied my bin, to skip off work for a few days, to be incapable of anything in the first rush of desolation. Perhaps I'm not pathetic. I'm not a qualified counsellor, or any kind of counsellor. I'm a person. But if you're like me, a fresh mess - put on some comforting clothes, have a hot drink even if it looks boring, and accept that however sad you feel, BELIEVE it - someone out there knows exactly what it's like, and however pathetic you *think* you might be, so am I, so are lots of people, and no - none of us are used to it. And from what I gather, I think we're normal. It's just what happens normally in the first rush of despair. So, you're ok. From what I read, I don't think it lasts. I read that there are ways of pulling yourself back up - creating a new belief in yourself, surviving, rebuilding yourself. So contact someone. Read some articles. Post a notice. Send some e-mails. Go on chatline. See for yourself. Some people have got through this bit. Some of them know how you feel, how I feel, and can help. 
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Journaling Within the first week of my separation, I began to see a therapist. I was very lucky to have someone to help me right away. One suggestion he gave me that helped tremendously was to start a journal. At first I didn't start one, it was silly to me. Why the hell would I want to write down all these horrible feelings? I didn't see the purpose in it. But one particularly terrible afternoon, I sat crying in my house, unable to leave or stop feeling like that, I picked up my journal and started to write out my feelings and thoughts. I spent the entire afternoon pouring my heart out onto those pages. And after I wrote each terrible thought, each awful incident, whatever, it was almost as if I had somehow removed it from my life. It was like writing it down for safekeeping in my journal let me release it from my mind, get it out of my heart. Suddenly I was not carrying around all those terrible feelings or thoughts, because they were "safe" in my journal. I couldn't believe how relieved I felt after that day. And now when I look back at my old journals, I'm amazed at how far I've come. Its a wonderful way to see your progress and the changes you have made in yourself and in your life. I highly recommend keeping a journal to anyone who is going through a hard time in their life. Recommended by Mitzi , 12/22/1999.
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Live The Day In the early days of separation/divorce one of the prime emotions is fear. Fear of what will come, fear for how we will manage. It is inevitable thatwith our support gone, we will fear the worst. Events that we know are coming along - like the first Christmas alone or meeting the ex with their new partner, these can fill us with so much dread that we cannot live in the here and now. Knowing two things about the future might help: One, the event may never happen: Two, If it does it will not be as bad as you had imagined. Do not let worry of tomorrow rob you of today. Recommended by Paddy , 3/4/2000.
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Protect Yourself I've posted this idea in the message board, so I will simply add a link directly to that message.
The PowerThe Power Recommended by Mitzi , 3/8/2000.
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Walking and being outside Sometimes I really have to force myself to go outside but when I do, I find it very soothing. I am lucky enough to have adopted a little stray dog -or should say she adopted me. So even when I am feeling very sad and low, I must rally to get her out. And it helps immensely. Seeing the sky, the mountains, the green, hearing the birds, breathing fresh air. Helps me get out of my head and feel the positive energy that is out there. Recommended by Purple Zoe , 2/22/2000.
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