Anyone who has ever lived with dogs knows how insidious they can be in establishing rules. In case you haven't figured it out yet, here are The Dog Rules as they apply to the household and your daily living arrangements.

• Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for a very good reason, the doghouse.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if the doghouse is under renovation.
  
  
• Okay, the dog stays in the house on a permanent basis provided his doghouse can be sold in a garage sale to a rookie dog owner.
  
  
• Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable, but secure, metal cage.
  
  
• Okay, the cage becomes part of a "two for one" deal in the garage sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
  
  
• The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can get up on the old furniture, but not the new furniture.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture, and then you can sell the whole works and buy new furniture on which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
  
  
• The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed only.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers, but not with his head on your pillow.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers with his head on your pillow, but if he snores he has to leave the room.
  
  
• Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and fart and have nightmares in your bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where you're now sleeping. That's just not fair.
  
  
• The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident", even if it's true.