| My Story  My story begins in the early 70’s, the age of free love and if it feels good do it. This common philosophy coupled with a home life lacking in affection and acceptance laid the foundation for a troubled adolescence.
If my parents said don’t do it, I did it. If it was a pill, I would take it. If you could roll it up, I would smoke it. I was out there “looking for love in all the wrong places.” Searching for love and acceptance what I found was Sex, drugs and rock and roll. And it wasn’t long before I was pregnant.
After stalling for a while I finally told my mother. She had the perfect solution, an abortion. I didn’t have a concept of the wrongness of abortion. I didn’t even know the debate about when life began or that some people considered the “tissue” inside me a person. I did what my mother told me and had the abortion.
In the months that followed I was a changed person. Partying didn’t appeal to me anymore. There was a deep sadness in my soul. Something was terribly wrong with me, I was so mentally sick that I became physically ill and my mother took me to the doctor. He prescribed some pills; at the time I had no idea what “placebo” was, so I took them faithfully, hoping to get better. 
Eventually I started going out again and then I found out that the pills I could get on the street made me feel a lot better than the ones the doctor gave me. I fell deep into the drugs and alcohol, the partying. I really didn’t like life or anything about it except getting high. I stayed high for about 10 years with a short hiatus when I was pregnant and breast-feeding my daughter, Nicole. That 18 months of a clear head made me realize I needed to change my life and having a child made me want to have hope for the future.
Things didn’t change drastically all at once but over the next several years I became a more responsible adult and parent; I was growing up with my daughter. It was during this time I met my second husband and then I really started to settle down. When Nicole was about 4 she started asking questions about God, questions I didn’t have the answer for. So we started to go to church. There was something about the church people I liked and I spent several years “attending” church. It wasn’t until we went to an Evangelical, Non-denominational church that I really began to seek a relationship with God, really started to understand what he wants for us while we are here on this earth. It was then that I committed my life to Him.
Knowing God freed me from the bondages of sin and opened a whole new world up to me. Unfortunately I had spent so much time an angry, unhappy person that there were many issues to work through, habits to break and attitudes to change. I had a terrible temper and was unable to accept criticism; I was so unforgiving and critical of others. It has been a long process but the knowledge that God loves me, He forgives me and that He is in control has made it possible to work through all these things that he revealed to me one by one, in His time.
One of the hardest revelations was when He brought to my mind, the understanding that I had a baby that I had never held. I never, in the 20 years since my abortion, thought about the baby that died that day in the spring of 1975. But now my heart was breaking, I was grieving as if my child had just died. I was pregnant with my youngest, Daniel, at the time. I grieved the entire pregnancy and after he was born it was worse. I felt so unworthy to have been blessed with such perfect life, every cute thing my son did brought tears to my eyes. I was an emotional wreck and thought I would always feel that way because nothing could change the fact that I had played a part in the death of my first child.
When Daniel was about 7 months old my church offered a Post Abortion Bible Study. I attended and it was the beginning of my healing. I learned about God’s incredible character, how He loves us unconditionally, will never let us down, will always provide what we need. I learned he is all we need, when we need it. And that He forgives, even abortion, if we are truly repentant and quit denying what we did. The study showed me it was OK to grieve for my baby, something society doesn’t accept since it is our choice. It also covered accepting God’s forgiveness and how to live a truly free life.
I have since continued my healing by getting involved at the local Crisis Pregnancy Center, leading the Forgiving and Set Free Bible study and counseling with women who are hurt and haunted by abortion and other devastating things in their pasts. There is healing to be found in working for God, furthering His cause. I can never make up for or change the fact that my baby died but I can help others learn how to feel better. God uses me to teach them they don’t have to be crippled by rejection, bitterness and unforgiveness. It is incredible the things that God has done in me and through me.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 What a wonderful God we have—he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us.
God Bless
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