It is argued here, to the contrary, that the appropriateness of forgiveness has nothing to do with the actions, attitudes, or position of the wrongdoer. Instead it depends on the internal preparation of the person who forgives.

In this section we will see that forgiveness may be incompatible with the victims self- respect, and therefore inappropriate, if it is undertaken prematurely. In many cases the injured person must work through a process of responding to the wrongdoing, and she fails to respect herself if she attempts to forgive her offender before this process is complete.

A notion of genuine forgiveness is developed in this section. It is argued that if the victim does need to work through the process of responding to the wrongdoing, her forgiveness will be genuine only after she completes this task. The following outline of the task of responding to the wrongdoing is not meant to imply that the injured person should take these distinct steps or take them in this order. This outline simply identifies the elements of the task an individual may need to complete if she is to respect herself and truly forgive offender.

First, the victim of wrongdoing must recover her self-esteem. Implicit in the wrongdoer's act of abuse is the claim that the victim is not valuable. For example, if John rapes Jean he is implicitly claiming that her needs and feelings don't count. And, depending on how the crime is committed, the claim may be much more disparaging than this. Thus the victim must clarify for herself that the claim implicit in the act or wrongdoing is false. She must recognize that she is just as valuable as every other person and that her needs and feelings matter very much. Likewise she must come to see the wrongdoer as seriously confused about her status as a person.

If she attempts to forgive the wrongdoer before she takes this step, her forgiveness will not be fully appropriate. Suppose that Jean attempts to forgive John immediately, vaguely agreeing with his claim that his needs are more important than hers, or worse, vaguely believing that she deserved to be raped. Here Jane's forgiveness of John is obviously incompatible with her self- respect and is in this regard inappropriate. Until the victim is clear in her own mind about her own worth, she fails to sufficiently respect herself. Further this type of forgiveness is not fully genuine. It amounts to condoning the wrong rather than truly forgiving the wrongdoer. In order to truly forgive the offender, the victim must understand the nature of the wrong. And in order to understand the nature of the wrongdoing, she must recognize her own status as a person. 

 A second task for the victim of wrongdoing follows immediately from the foregoing discussions. She must come to recognize that the perpetration against her was wrong, and she must also understand why it was wrong. That is, she must understand that she has certain rights and that anyone who violates those rights wrongfully harms her. Again, genuine forgiveness demands a full appreciation of the nature of the wrongdoing. If the injured person fails to understand that the perpetration against her was wrong then she is obviously not in a position to forgive the wrongdoer. It is equally clear but she has not regained her self-esteem in this is case.

 Third, the victim of wrongdoing faces the task of acknowledging her feelings. A decent person will typically feel anger towards someone who harms her (or those close to her). She will also feel grief over her loss, and depending on the circumstances she may experience a variety of other emotions. In order to respect herself the injured person must honor these feelings and allow herself to experience them in full. She must recognize that they are basic and legitimate human reactions to what has happened to her - reactions that will help her to understand what bothers her about the incident. She must also recognize that it is psychologically destructive for her to deny herself these feelings. Thus the victim who attempts to cut off her emotions in order to forgive her offender fails to respect herself. She denies an integral part of her humanity, deprives herself of an opportunity to understand the incident, and treats herself in a psychologically destructive manner. This type of forgiveness is inappropriate, then, to the extent that it is incompatible with the victim's self- respect. Further, this type of forgiveness will not be fully genuine. In order to reach a state of genuine forgiveness the injured person must overcome any negative feelings she holds towards the offender because of his offence. But these feelings cannot be overcome in any meaningful sense of the word until they are acknowledged. To deny one's feelings of pretend they don't exist is simply to deceive oneself. It is also to insure that these feelings will remain, buried ready to resurface at any time. Until the victim fully experiences her emotions then a genuine internal resolution of the issue will be forestalled.

Fourth, depending on the circumstances, it may be important for the victim to express her beliefs and feelings to the wrongdoer. She may need to tell the wrongdoer that his action was wrong, that it isn't acceptable for her to be treated in this manner, that she feels hurt about the incident etc. If the victim does feel a need to express her beliefs or feelings then it is important that she do so, unless this course of action would be dangerous or detrimental to herself or others. At the very least she should not withhold her feelings thinking they are not important, or not as important as the wrongdoer. If their victim withhold something she needs to see in this matter, she fails to respect herself. Further, the incident will not be over for her in this case, and she will not be able to achieve the true internal resolution of the incident that genuine forgiveness requires.

Five, the victim of wrongdoing faces the task of assessing the situation with respect to the offender. We often hear the phrase " forgive and forget|" but it is important to interpret this phrase in such a way that it is compatible with the victims self-respect. There is also the following quote " To err is human to forgive divine: to forget is stupid. If the victim is to respect herself and avoid being stupid she must consider the wrongdoers attitudes and behavior patterns. He may be caught up in a behavior pattern he is likely to repeat or he may suffer from some confusion that is likely to cause her further harm. Thus, the injured person must determine their steps she needs to take to avoid further victimization. She must also examine her values to determine whether she wants to redefine her personal relationship with the wrongdoer. The self- respecting victims goal, then is not to forget the incident altogether. Instead it is to reach a point where she no longer remembers the incident vindictively, or allows it to prevent her from holding an attitude of real goodwill towards the offender.

If the victim attempts to forgive the offender without taking this step, then once again the forgiveness will not be fully appropriate or genuine. Suppose that John and Jane are dating. John drinks to excess and beats Jane up, as he has done several times in the past. Hoping that it will not happen again, Jean forgives him and goes on with the relationship as before. Here Jean fails to respect herself by forgiving John, in that she has not considered her own need for protection or realistically assessed the relationship with him. Further her forgiveness is not fully genuine. Jane is extending an attitude of goodwill towards the person she wishes John were, or towards the position she blindly hopes he will become. She has not reached an attitude of real goodwill towards John as he actually is, as genuine forgiveness requires.

 The final task for the victim of wrongdoing is to determine whether she wants to seek restitution from the offender. In order to respect herself the victim must recognize that she has been wrongfully harmed and deserves to have any loss she has suffered made good. Respect for her own integrity also requires that she look objectively (and with some compassion) at the wrongdoers situation. She must then make a reasoned judgment about how she wants to proceed. If the victim bypasses this task in an attempt to forgive the offender, she exhibits a lack of self- respect. A state of genuine forgiveness is also forestalled in this case, as the victim has not achieved the full internal resolution of the issue. The incident will not be over for her until she determines her own cause of action with respect to seeking restitution. When the offender has committed a crime against her, the injured person must also decide whether to press criminal charges against him. Here she must consider the needs of society in addition to her own needs and the situation of the wrongdoer.

 The steps outlined above are central to the victim's self- respect and to her healing from the acts of abuse perpetrated against her. Once she has taken these steps she has done what she needs to do for herself. She can now let go of her egocentric perspective, which was essential as she walked through this process, and take up the more objective compassionate perspective towards the offender. She can regard him as a fellow member of the human race, struggling with the same needs, pressures and confusions that she struggles with. And she can think about his circumstances and come to understand why he did what he did. In this way she can overcome negative feelings towards the offender and extend towards him an attitude of real goodwill.