BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so
overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour.
PETER : Yes darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out
of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and
comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think peter?

Peter: A bit of both really, I think your'e pretty ugly!!!

 

 

Who's The Dumbest?

A plane was about to crash and there were 5 people on board and only 4 parachutes.
The first person said. "I am Roy Keane, one of the best footballers in Ireland. I am worth a lot of money and my fans need me so I think I should be saved."
The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.
The second person said "I am Tony Blair, a dynamic English politician who can really help my country and I think I should be saved."
The others said." O.K." and gave him a parachute.
The third person said "I am David Beckham, captain of the English National squad. I have a wife and son and a newborn baby. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I'm not, so I am taking a parachute." And off he went.
Now there were two folk left, the Pope and a 10 year old schoolgirl.
The Pope said, "child I am old and frail and have lived my life while you are young with everything before you. You take the parachute and I will stay with the aircraft and take my chance."
"It's O.K." said the girl, "there are still two parachutes. Beckham took my schoolbag."

 

From Cavemen to....?

 

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She wants
to get weighed

 

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "I want to get weighed."
So Joe took her to the man who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "one hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the rollercoaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked her what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed," she said.
So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed," She said again.
Joe began to think this girl was quite strange and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.
Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.
Wousy!!" Rose replied.

---

All over Tan

 

A rather well proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit on the first day, on the second she decided that no one could see her up here so she would remove it for an all over tan.
She had hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.  She was lying on her stomach so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me miss," said the little assistant manager of the hotel, "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but could you wear a bathing costume like you did yesterday?"
"What difference does it make?" asked Joan. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I am covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," replied the embarrassed little man, "you're lying on the dining room skylight!

---

---

A very forward baby

There was a baby who was very forward for his age since the moment he was born. After delivery he looked at the doctor and said: "Are you the doctor?"
"Yes," the doctor replied.
"Well, I want to thank you for bringing me into the world safely," the baby said.
He then turned to his mother and said: "Are you my mother?"
"Yes," she replied.
"Well I want to thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born."
Next he looked at his father and said: "Are you my father?"
"Yes," his father replied.
The baby poked his father on the forehead five times and told him: "Well I want to tell you that, that hurts!"

---

Desert Island Dish

Joke supplied by member Picasso

 

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life - until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" "I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materials that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

"But, but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The man is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck. As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually: "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?" "No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces to the man: "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "Whatever next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace, strategically-positioned and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..."

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he is hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck. "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here?"

---

What a duck

A guy walks into a bar carrying three ducks, one in each hand and the other under his left arm. The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the man chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the bathroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he turns to the second duck and says, "What's your name?"
"Dewey," says the second duck.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

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