"What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married. But figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands of figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure." Trapper
"Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one."
Henry Blake
"Hey Sherm, you know were a guy can get a drink around here?"
Radar
"Frank, it's after six, you can stop being snotty!"
Henry Blake
"We all know it's brutal up there at the front, especially those of us at the rear"
Frank Burns
"You've gotta understand I'm not working on sick people here. I'm working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition."
BJ
"I'm a life long Anglophile. England is still the only place I know where any young man can grow up to be the Queen."
Hawkeye
"I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife."
Colonel Potter
"Here's a mover and a groover and it ain't by Herbert Hoover. It's for all you animals and music lovers."
Radar
"I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot."
Frank Burns
"Klinger, it's my considered opinion that no one is going to believe you are pregnant"
Henry Blake
"Charles your pompous arrogant, conceited and a total bore, but you’re all right."
Hawkeye
"I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions!" - "Adam's Rib"
Hawkeye
"I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - "Officer of the Day"
Hawkeye
Frank: "Haven't you two anything better to do when you're off duty than to lie around and swill gin?"
Hawkeye: "Swill gin!?!? Sir, I have sipped, lapped, and taken gin intravenously but I have never swilled! Actually, I'm persuing my life long quest for the perfect, the absolutely dryest Martini to be found in this or any other world." - "Chief Surgeon Who?"
Frank:
"You know what I love most about you?"
Margaret: "Tell me."
Frank: "Your lobes. They drive me wild."
Maragaret: "Oh, be wild Frank. Be wild." - "To Market, To Market"
Frank (to Henry while holding Henry's hand): ! I'm yours... forever.!
Henry: !I gotta tell ya Frank. I've gone to sleep with happier
thoughts.!
"Frank - ! I swear, I'm going to put it in your record: You don't work and
play well with others."
Henry Blake "I Don’t believe what I’m hearing ," "Since when did you join the Army? "SINCE IT WAS LEFT TO ME!" If only Frank Burns could see you now. It’s not so easy to play the clown when you have to run the circus, is it?"
Margaret & Hawkeye
willgun!" - "Officer of the Day"
"People take my advice pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
Dr. Sidney Freedman Psychiatrist
" I told you people something along time ago and it’s just as pertinent today as it was then. Take my advice pull down your pants and slide on the ice."
Dr. Sidney Freedman Psychiatrist
"I am the essence of overconfidence! I am speculation, adventure; the spirit of pursuit; the stag howling for its winsome yet anonymous mate. I am the love call of evolution; the perfume and color of the flowers as they offer their pollen to the gentle buzz of the bees. I am sex itself, gentlemen. I am life. I am appetite!" - "Inga"
"My friends, some men are born great. Others achieve greatness. And others are destined to work with rats. I would like to nominate someone who is eminently qualified. A man who was born for this job. A man who can look a rat in the eye and meet him on his own terms. I give you, Major Frank Burns. Will anyone second this notion?" - "Soldier of the Month"
"Frank, do you know what a hero is? Ninety-mine times out of a hundred, he's somebody who's tired enough and cold enough and hungry enough not to give a damn. I don't give a damn." - "The Sniper"
