Christianity and Dating
Part 2
One important problem of recreational dating is that it often mistakes a physical relationship for love. Is true love the desire to fulfill our emotional and physical wants through another person? No, love places the interests of others ahead of our own. Love sacrifices, serves, and gives without expectation of return. Can a man say he loves a woman, while he reserves the right to abandon her at any moment for the next prettier face? This degrades the value of women and shames the honor of men. Woman is the apex of God’s creation: when man was not good enough alone, the Lord produced a woman to complete His work. A true man ought to honor woman as the weaker vessel and not take advantage of her. If a man is to act nobly, he must guard the honor and purity of women, protecting them from all that threatens their security. A man must even protect women from himself; a woman at no time should feel uncomfortable in his presence, but on the contrary, safe and honored. As Romans 13:10 says, “Love worketh no ill to his neighbor: therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.” Far from the world’s shallow brand of “love” which breaks the law of God and destroys the moral standard, true love fulfills and upholds Biblical law. “For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Gal. 5:13).
Probably the biggest danger of the modern dating method is that it leads to intimacy without commitment. Intimate romance is a good thing, and God even commands it; but, as Joshua Harris states in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, “the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing” (73). An act of romance cannot come by itself– romance is designed to be carried out to the full, and with its privileges come responsibility and commitment. These are one inseparable whole, and we cannot try to initiate romance to take just a piece of it. Romance always demands more romance, and accelerates to greater degrees of expression until a relationship has been fully consummated. This is a good and virtuous thing when coupled with the commitment of marriage, but outside of marriage, it can lead to nothing but heartbreak and trouble. There are those who claim that dating builds relationship skills, teaches us to work through issues, and prepares us to face the challenges of marriage. In reality dating trains young people to give up on any relationship that no longer brings them pleasure. Doug Wilson, in his book Her Hand in Marriage, decisively states: “The modern dating system does not train young people to form a relationship. It trains them to form a series of relationships, and further trains them to harden themselves to the break-up of all but the current one. At the very least, this system is as much a preparation for divorce as it is for marriage” (10-11). The courtship relationship, however, is to be entered only with the intention of marriage, and its object is not present pleasure, but the choice of a companion (Haines and Yaggy 263). If a person is not interested in marriage, or is not prepared to assume the responsibilities of marriage, he has no business pursuing a girl’s heart. Before a young man can even consider courtship, he must prepare himself to support a wife and family; as Proverbs 24:27 commands, “Prepare thy work without, and make it fit for thyself in the field; and afterwards build thine house.”
Prior to entering the commitment of marriage, we must remain committed and faithful to that unnamed future mate. If with every act of romance we give away a piece of our heart, we must consciously strive to save our hearts for marriage romance, that we may give them wholly and proudly to one lifetime partner. In the same way, outside of lifelong commitment, we must not steal the heart of another. While some may claim that dating holds value in and of itself, that is to say, dating is an end in itself, and it is good because it is fun, courtship, in contrast, is never an end in itself, but only a step toward marriage.
Another basic problem of recreational dating is that it distracts young people from preparing for the future. Young people are in a season of training, and infatuation within a dating relationship wastes much time that might have been invested in learning or serving. It is important for us to realize and utilize God’s gift of singleness. Before marriage, while full of energy and not encumbered by the responsibilities of a family, young people have unequaled opportunities to serve the Lord and to learn and grow. Such times should not be squandered on a train of unfulfilling dating relationships. If a young man is truly interested in a girl, instead of letting her know about it, he ought consider what traits she would deserve in a husband, and then work to develop in himself those qualities.
One common mistake among dating relationships is that their focus lies on each other instead of on a common mission. Since woman was created as a helper to man, a man ought to find a wife who can run along with him in pursuing a shared interest or goal. Dating relationships often pursue only the relationship itself, and thus produce little of value. At the worst, instead of being a helper with whom a man can produce more than he could alone, a woman becomes a hindrance to the man. In preparation for a successful and fruitful marriage, courtship encourages young people to strive together in a common mission, and to base their relationship on a shared interest in serving the Lord, instead of on each other.
A final danger of conventional dating is that it separates young people from the influence and protection of family and group environments. There is safety and accountability in the family. The Bible establishes a clear pattern that young women remain under the authority of their fathers until they be given in marriage. A father is responsible for the safety, well-being, and purity of his daughter, and he must not simply send her off alone with a young man. Because daughters are given in marriage by their fathers, it is with fathers that young men must begin their pursuit of marriage.
By way of practical application of the principles we have discussed, I will now lay out a general outline of a courting relationship. First we must realize that according to the Biblical model, it is the man leaves his father and mother to be united to his wife (Eph. 5:31); the son seeks a wife, but the daughter is given in marriage (Lu. 20:34, 1 Cor. 7:36-38). The basic courtship pattern operates under the following principles: if a young man is prepared for marriage and is interested in a girl, he must first seek God’s will in prayer, and next observe the girl in her family, work, service, and fellowship, without flirting or broadcasting to her his interest. Until a man is serious about marrying a girl, he should not excite her hopes while there remains the possibility that he may marry another. It is important that a fellow interested in courtship does not skip the friendship stage of the relationship. He ought to become involved in some activities that the girl is doing so that they can get to know one another on a basic friendship level. After this stage, once the fellow has determined that he would like to marry her and has sought the counsel of his father and other respected men, he should go to the girl’s father and express his desire to woo her heart with the intention of marriage. The father, having evaluated the suitor’s character in thought and prayer, may turn him away or tell him to wait, in which case the young man must submit to his authority and make no further advancements toward his daughter. If, however, the father consents to his request, the young woman may then be informed of his interest. He may begin his wooing through spending time with the girl and her family, and in group activities. This courtship period is a time of trial for the girl to decide, in a safe environment, whether she would like to marry this suitor. It is a court of inquiry, a study of character; and it is imperative that both parties be entirely honest with each other, for whatever a person is, for good or bad, will be amplified by marriage. Truthfulness is essential (Haines and Yaggy 260-62). If the girl has determined not to do so, the courtship will be terminated. Throughout the process, the girl’s father maintains ultimate authority regarding the progress of the relationship. If the suitor wins the girl’s heart, and she consents to marriage, a wedding will be planned without delay, and she will be given. Once again, the power and essence of courtship lies not in terms and sets of rules, but in ideas.
In review of the basic problems of recreational dating: it conflicts with the moral absolutes of God’s law, encouraging passivity to the world and sin; it rests on emotion in place of reason; it provides an artificial context for evaluating a person’s true character; it is self-seeking instead of God-seeking and sacrificial; it often confuses a physical relationship for true love; it leads to intimacy without commitment; it exists as an end unto itself; it distracts young people from one-time opportunities to serve the Lord and to prepare for the future; and it disconnects young people from accountability, family, and wholesome influences. Because modern dating has forsaken the high path of honor and virtue, this system often ends in irreversible regret.
There are many people who try to practice “Christian dating.” Maybe this means the teens say a little prayer with their parents before going out to kiss in the parking lot. It is impossible to reconcile Christianity with the practices listed above, just as it is impossible to reconcile the sinful nature of man with God. God did not institute a reform program for our sinful nature; He instituted a death program. We cannot choose to follow God while holding on to our former way of life– they cannot come to terms. This is made perfectly clear in Colossians 3, Romans 6, Ephesians 4, and all the rest of our blessed Bible! We have to put to death the old man and the works of the flesh, and put on the new man to live for God in righteousness and love for others. Even so, it is impossible to reform the world’s system of recreational dating, for the very ideas on which it is founded run contrary to the law of God and the law of nature. “Christianizing” it and sprucing it up will not eliminate its inherent evils and dangers. 1Corinthians 6:18 tells us to flee from sexual immorality. We must make a total break with the conventional model, and make a paradigm shift back to the whole of God’s standard. As long as we try to hold on to dating simply by redefining its boundaries, no matter how good our boundaries may be, if they are not God’s boundaries, we are back to relativism– man determining his own moral standard. “O, yes, we date, but we only hold hands and hug,” explain a young Christian couple. Where do you draw the line? Do you hold hands? Do you hug? Do you kiss? Do you do everything except everything? Without God’s standard, we are only trying to use a longer spoon at the devil’s table, and if we give him a fingernail, he’ll have us past the elbow. Let’s not give him a foothold (Eph. 4: 27).
Finally, in review of the fundamental ideas of courtship: it is honoring to God in that He is to be placed in the highest priority of every relationship and His Word is upheld. It is honoring to women in that they are to be treated with utmost respect and purity, and protected from all ignoble exploitation. It demands true manhood, which is not self-seeking, but noble, sacrificial, and responsible. It is what comes of striving for the ideal, living virtuously and above reproach, and building a legacy for future generations. It is the practice of behaving to the same extent of purity with those of the opposite sex as we will carry over into a marriage commitment; that is, the way we treat others outside of marriage should be the same way we treat others once committed to a marriage partner– in absolute purity. In sum, courtship is the culmination of our efforts to apply Christianity to romance, and to revive a standard of honor and virtue unto ourselves and our posterity.
“And they that shall be of thee shall build the old waste places: thou shalt raise up the foundations of many generations; and thou shalt be called, the repairer of the breach, the restorer of paths to dwell in” (Is. 58:12).
Sources:
Haines, T.L., and Yaggy, L.W. The Royal Path of Life: Aims and Aids to Success and Happiness. Chicago: Western Publishing House, 1883.
Harris, Joshua. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship. Sisters, OR: Multnomah Books, 2000.
---. I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Sisters, OR: Questar Publishers, Inc., Multnomah Books, 1997.
Jehle, Paul. Dating Vs. Courtship. Plymouth, MA and Marlborough, NH: Plymouth Rock Foundation, Inc., 1993.
Wilson, Douglas J. Her Hand in Marriage: Biblical Courtship in the Modern World. Moscow: Canon Press, 1997.
David Hancock is currently a high school student planning to double major in Bible and Communications in college. This essay was written in Dr. John Han’s College Composition II course in the spring of 2003.
Courtesy of http://www.mobap.edu/student/collegian/mt/000188.asp
FURTHER READING
Using Common Sense to Remain Single Until Marriage at http://groups.msn.com/MLTReceptionGroup/singlewomen.msnw
Whom Should I Marry? at http://groups.msn.com/MLTReceptionGroup/marriage.msnw
The Jezebel Profile at http://groups.msn.com/MLTReceptionGroup/jezebel1.msnw
