My name is Bob, and I am an alcohoic/addict
By the grace of god I am sober and clean 2 years 8 months today

Nine years old, new years eve 1970. It wasn't the first time that I had tasted alcohol but it was the first time I got drunk. I remember how I loved that warm fuzzy feeling everytime I took a drink of that Champagne and I knew right then I had a new friend. It was easy to get alcohol in my house both of my parents were alcoholics, and both used drugs socially. My father was especially abusive. beating the crap out of my Mother, Sister and myself, he usually left my younger brother alone.

 

So needless to say there wasn't alot of love and nurturing going on in that household, and the best escape was alcohol and I drank every chance I got. Found Pot when I was 13 years old and it was the greatest thing in the world next to the booze. The neighborhood I grew up in wasn't what you would call "nice". There was alot of Gang violence, death, prostitution and drug dealing going on all around me, and the schools weren't any better.

 

Alcohol and Marijuana took me places that reality couldn't, I was safe, free, handsome, strong and popular as long as I was drinking and smoking and I continued with that fantasy until I stopped drinking for the first time in 2000. I decided when I turned 17 I could change all of the negativity in my life if I just quit school and joined the Army, and in 1979 I did. One of the first things I learned about myself while in the Military is that I didn"t know how to drink, so I
learned. It was one big party and a blur, don't remember alot about the three years I spent in the Army. (I do know I was there because I found an Army hat the other day with my name sewn in it.)

 

Seeing how that didn"t work, I decided that it was civilian life that I needed, get into the work force, make a name for myself and become prosperous like all of the other folks that were going to the dance clubs. You know the nice dressed, driving the fancey cars and such. Instead I found Cocaine and Meth and man it was on. It was the greatest thing in the world, you could drink as much as you want, do a couple of lines and keep going forever, I was truely happy or so I thought.

 

Because I had quit school and joined the army, my lack of so called education prevented me from ever obtaining one of those executive type positions, so I was forced to seek work in the field of manual labor where everyone drank like a fish and then some. It was during this time that I thought I might be drinking too much and doing too many drugs, because it was hitting me financially, always broke and hungry and usually hungover.

 

So my next brilliant decission was that if I got married everything would be allright, so in 1986 I did and it wasn't. Don't get me wrong as with any change things go okay for awhile but then the insanity comes back with a vengence as did mine. My Meth use increased enormously during this time, I started hanging out with a biker club that manufactured there own (the V.P. was my next door neighbor). It was there that all of my problems could be solved, my nagging wife, the crying kids they were all holding me back from my dreams of becoming somebody. Its funny how the problems we create are so much easier to contend with when we blame them on someone else.

 

On Christmas day 1990 I had a Meth induced heart attack and suddenly I had a moment of Clarity, drugs were really really bad for you, (while I was sipping from that fifth of Jack) so I better not do anymore drugs. This made my wife very happy but the increased alcohol consumption didn't, so she left me, for some guy with long hair and a guitar go figure.

 

So here I am with two kids to raise on my own and a whole new set of problems that I created that I could blame on someone else, so I did and the insanity continued. The only sad part to this scenario is that I now had two innocent children to blame and after a couple of years started taking my wrath out on them, especially my son. Why is it that we have to hurt the ones we love the most? I still can't figure that one out.

 

During this time I had managed to work myself up to a Management position where I worked, very stressful job with plenty of things to blame on other people. No-one saw things my way and it was common practice to wash those feelings away with a fifth of whiskey after work. Why couldn't people just do what I wanted them to, if they did I wouldn"t have to drink so much. Things started to get pretty shakey, and I started to suffer from panic attacks, its amazing what alcohol can do, not only can it solve social problems but now it was curing my physical ones as well. No more shakes, sweating or heart palpatations, man this stuff is great.

 

One morning I woke up and could not "not drink". There was no way that I could wait until I got off of work, and I was shaking so bad that I couldn't make it to work like that and I couldn"t miss work because I had been missing too much as it was, the owner of the company was starting to say things. That was the paradox, and the only logical decission to make was to drink, so I did, and the insanity got worse. Its funny how you can talk youself into doing something that is clearly against all the rules of humanity.

 

Year 2000......The early part of that year Was introduced to rehab, it was suggested by many especially my boss, the or else speach. I stayed sober for a little over a year and then was injured on the job. the injury was significant enough to require the prescribing of pain medication (morphine). Holy cow, this stuff would go great with a bottle of whiskey, which it did and it gave me a whole set of new problems to blame on someone else. The nerve of that doctor prescribing something that caused me to relapse. Funny how when there is a whole network of well informed and caring people surrounding you, you forget they are there when crunch time rolls around.

 

Fast foward to present. I have been through one other relapse since that first one with a stay in the hospital in an encephaliptic coma for seven days, spent time in homeless shelters, time in the salvation army rehabs, etc etc. suppose I am a slow learner. But on october 7th 2003 was my last drink and drug. Is this it for me? am I going to stay clean and sober from now on? I hope so but as with everyone else I can't see into the future, but in the words of a good friend in recovery "if I do today what I did yesterday I wont be stopping at the crack house or the bar today" I realize today that I am responsible for my own recovery and problems, no-one else is. I make the choice, I make the final decision. I choose to use, I think to drink.

 

Today I choose to let God make those decisions, guide me and nurture me. He was my saving grace all along, just didn't see it. I try daily to take an honest inventory, this helps me out quite a bit. It makes me realize that its not about me and that there is nothing going on in my life that is so bad that should make me want to drink or use, with the exception of pure selfishness. Today I am still raising a daughter on my own (she's 14 god help us all) my son is 18 and lives elsewhere, but we are getting alot closer. I have a good job and live in a wonderful house a block away from my brother and his family whom I love very much. I lost a Dad and Uncle to this sickness and certainly don't want to be a part of that legacy anymore.

my name is Bob and I am an Alcoholic/Addict