Hi im Veronica, Im 25 years old and im an addict. I am working the first step now to my recovery. I dont if I have an excuses for using dope, but I will tell you my story.
When I was 9 years old everything I knew to be my life ended, and I had to start a new one without the most important person in my life, my mother. Her name is SuAnn and she was an alcoholic drinking and driving.
I sat at my friends house, (Jennifer, I still remember her name) for 3 days, wondering why my mother hadnt come and picked me up, I was only supposed to be staying the night. I had no idea where my father was I had only seen him once or twice in my life. My grandmother ended up picking me and brother up, after she had found out where we were. She said my mother had left us and went to florida. (We were living in Indiana at the time) I knew that to be a lie. My mother wouldnt leave me. My grandma and grandpa were both alcoholics, and I hated even being around them most of the time. About 6 months later after I had pulled myself into deep depression, I had lost alot of wieght from crying so much at night until I threw up. Someone accidently blurted out in front of us children a question that I would never forget, "Is SuAnn still in a coma?" I dont really remember much after that except, we were not aloud to visit her. Also my grandmother was desperatley trying to get my father to pick up us kids, before we were given to the state. My dad is whole book in himself. Huge addict, from heroin to weed to pills, alchohol. You name it. No compassion, no understanding, no patience, which we would soon find out. My brother was only 6 at the time. I felt a huge obligation to protect him. We had no idea what drugs were, yeah we had seen our mother drink but she was always happier when she drank a few beers. Well my dad finally came to pick us up, and drove us to florida. The first night we was at his girlfriends house, I walked in the bedroom, I dont really remember why. But they had a lighter under a spoon and I knew I wasnt supposed to see it. I got my first beating that night. After that me and my brother slept in the living room floor with nothing but a light blanket. After a few weeks of hell, (getting up in the middle of the night on drug runs, my dad with his gun yelling "I gonna kill this mutha*****"). Soon I learned he was all talk. Well anyway about 3 weeks later he dropped me and my brother off and my other grandma's house. (His momma) Whom I had never met, and left us there for 7 years.
I love my grandmother will all my heart and ill never forget her taking us into her home. There living with her was my uncle allen an alchohlic (who passed away 2 years ago at the age of 46), his wife and there 4 children. Every night when my uncle got drunk, he blamed me and my brother for the shortage of money coming into the house, saying we have no right to be there. I cried almost every night. I wanted to do something about the way I felt and I couldnt, there was nothing I could do, I was absolutley helpless. Anyway my uncle told my dad that he had to come and get us when I was 16, which my dad had no problem wiith since I was old enough to work, and clean. Well to make a long story short or shorter lol. I started stealing his weed, I started selling it, this got me to meet people with other drugs. I left home before my 17 birthday, married Paul who is now my ex-husband. And had Taylor who is five. I wasnt heavily into drugs for about 3 years. But I was miserable. All I did was fight with my ex, because thats all I knew. I cried every night, because thats all I knew. I drank a bottle of Hot Damn in about 20 minutes, and tried to commit suicide, it almost worked. About 5 years ago I moved to louisiana when I found out I had half brothers and sisters living here. Me and my sister grew close. Michelle , she introduced me to pain pills, xanax's, and soma's. I started drinking everynight, I was so happy that I had someone and I wasnt alone anymore. We went out almost everynight. My ex left me, and took my daughter. I met Eddie, who is now in recovery but wasnt then. My halfbrother Gene, introduced me to Meth. I was doing anything everyday. I went to florida about 2 years ago, with my brother and Eddie while they were doing construction. One night they brought "rock" to the house, I had no idea what he was talking about but when I saw it, I knew it was crack. I smoked crack everyday, and everynight. Now I am so ashamed of myself and I have so much guilt, because my daughter was there in the room about 3 months old. I am on antidepressants now. I hit rock bottom when I moved away from florida back to louisiana and moved in with my other half-sister who is a soma-addict. I took about 5-8 somas a night all at one time almost everynight, when I could find them. When I moved out of there because of fighting. Me and eddie moved in with his parents, thank god they had no tolerance for drugs and we had to stop because we didnt have anywhere else to live. That was about a year ago. I have 60 days clean, thats when I first started going to NA. Now I dont feel as alone as I used to but on occasions, the habit of it still comes back to haunt me. I completley stay away from my "family" I havent seen any of them in about a year. So the only family I have is Eddies family and and my NA/AA family. Well thats about it, Im still learning everyday, I dont have much clean time. But all I can do is take it one day at a time. I call my sponser whenever I am having a "breakdown" as I call it. Which lead me to using. Now I am fully devoted to my children, my husband and my road to recovery. Without NA and my sponser Im not sure where I would be so I thank GOD my "Higher Power", for leading me to them. This was very hard for me to type, I still feel unbearable guilt, for my children. Thank you all for listning, or reading. Thanks for just being here for me. Easy Does It.
-Veronica
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