markw89 (Mark)

Personal Story

Alcoholics Anonymous not only saved my life, but it allowed me to meet my mother.

An adoptee, I had always been curious about who my mother was, but never attempted to find her because I was so absorbed in drinking. In 1995, I contacted the state where I was adopted and received a form to fill out. I was told that if my mother had filled out a similar form, we would be reunited. I never mailed in the form. There was a thirty-five dollar fee, and that was thirty-five dollars less I would have to spend on drinking. My sobriety date is April 1, 1997--the last time I was put in jail. I was in jail for violating probation when I failed a drug test. After serving a ninety-day sentence, I went to a twenty-eight-day treatment facility. I had been around AA before but this time, after ten years of drinking, I finally had had enough and "become willing to go to any length" to stay sober. For the first time in my life, I did what I was told to do. When I got out of treatment, I joined a home group, got a sponsor, did everything my sponsor told me to do to the best of my ability, and became involved in service work.

The Promises began to come true pretty quickly. In July 1999, my wife and I bought a house, and while we were unpacking our belongings, I came across the adoption form I'd received in 1995. I filled it out and mailed it in, along with the thirty-five dollars. My perception of the situation had changed completely. In my years prior to AA, I wanted to find my mother for all the wrong reasons, selfish reasons. Now I mailed the form with no expectations and without any fear of what I might or might not discover.

Less than a week later, I received a phone call from the state adoption registry. A woman told me my mother had been looking for me since I'd turned twenty-one years old. She then non-chalantly gave me my mother's name and phone number. I was surprised to learn that my mother and I had the same area code! All kinds of questions went through my mind, including "Do I already know her?"

Immediately, I called my sponsor, his sponsor, who is a friend and coworker of mine, and my wife. I was excited and scared at the same time. My sponsor told me to "relax and take it easy," and to pray. I prayed for God to direct my thoughts and actions and for his will to be done. I had waited for twenty-eight years for that moment. God gave me the courage and the strength to dial my mother's number. If I had mailed in that form in 1995, I would have gotten the same phone call from the adoption registry, but I would have been too scared to call.

My mother answered the phone and at first neither of us knew what to say. We talked for several hours. She told me how she had given birth to me when she was sixteen and how her family had forced her to place me with adoptive parents. She was full of guilt and remorse. I finally convinced her that I was not angry or resentful. I assured her that I was raised by wonderful parents who loved me unconditionally. She told me she had thought that I might be either dead or in prison. She had no idea how close to the truth she was.

She also told me about the rest of my family. After I was born, she stayed with my father and four years later they had another child. I have a full brother four years younger than I. My parents divorced when my brother was a baby, due to my father's alcoholism and drug and emotional problems. My father, whose family has a history of alcoholism and various other problems, died in 1995 at age forty-five of cirrhosis of the liver.

I went to meet my mother the following weekend. I was nervous and didn't know what to expect. At the reunion we cried and hugged one another. That day, I met my mother, grandmother, brother, and a cousin. I felt amazingly comfortable around my new family, as if I had known them all of my life.

My brother and I are exactly like; we even look alike. He also has had troubles with addiction. At the time I met him, he was being court-ordered to go to AA meetings and other rehabilitation classes. I wanted to take him under my wing and share my experience, strength, and hope with him. He seemed to be very receptive, and my expectations grew.

My wife, three children, and I had a wonderful weekend with my new family. I didn't see my brother again until four months later. He had stopped going to his court-ordered classes and AA meetings. He was arrested and put in jail for ninety days. He then went to a treatment center for twenty-eight days. Everything that was happening to him was so similar to my last days of drinking. I had renewed hope for my brother based on countless letters and phone calls between us during his confinement.

Five days after getting out of treatment, my brother failed another drug test, and I was asked to appear in court on his behalf. Reluctantly, I went to his hearing. This was the first time that I had gone to a hearing where I wasn't the defendant. I prayed for God to speak through me and for his will to be done.

The judge addressed me by saying "I have done some checking up on you." I had just gotten off felony probation a month earlier and had no idea what the judge might have heard about me. He said that he had heard good things about me (which was a new thing to hear about myself in a courtroom) and jokingly asked my brother if we were sure that he and I were brothers. He told my brother that he had an "invaluable resource" standing beside him and if he was smart he would heed my advice. The judge gave my brother another chance, even though I had told him that my brother belonged in prison.

My brother has terrorized my mother and the rest of the family for many years. Now I've been able to tell them about my experiences and what worked for me. The parents who raised me pretty much cut me off toward the end of my drinking and that definitely sped up my willingness to change. My wife and kids had also left. I had no one left to manipulate. Thank God I was arrested. I believe I wouldn't be alive today otherwise.

It is now nine months since I met my new family. We visit each other often. I talk to my mother and grandmother on the phone at least every other day. My relationship with my adoptive parents has become even stronger. They are happy for me, and even want to meet my mother. I have also met my paternal grandmother and have a good relationship with my father's family. I seem to be their family counselor too.

My new family has never seen me drink, and I am a completely different person than I was only a few years ago. Today I am a junior in college with aspirations to become an alcohol addiction counselor. If I had mailed in that form in 1995, I would have seen my father on his deathbed, but I don't believe that would have made me stop drinking. I would have said, "That will never happen to me." Five years later, I know it was God's will for me to find my family when I did. I would have been useless to them five years ago. Now, thanks to AA and my Higher Power, I can be of service to my family. I can give and expect nothing in return.

My brother is awaiting sentencing and will be spending some time in prison. He has definitely helped me stay sober. Hearing his excuses, self-pity, and blaming of others for his problems reminds me of myself only few years ago. We are just alike. He doesn't think so, but he didn't know me when I was a practicing alcoholic. I can only show him by example, pray for him, and be there for him. I love my brother and would do about anything for him. But I can't get him sober or make him change.

I wrote that in the summer of 2000.  So much has changed since!  My brother did go to prison, then he got out and THEN he went back.  He is still an example to me as to what my life COULD be like.  But for the grace of God, I am still sober.  Life is just too good today!

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