ONE OF MILKMANS JOURNALS Hello all. My name is Mike (The Milkman). I am a 57 year old alcoholic and addict. My drinking and using career started at 17 years old. I was a rebellious youth that wanted to do things my way right from the start. No one could tell me what to do and nothing could hurt me. I moved from home at 17 and went out into the cruel world to do as I wanted. Moved to San Francisco and partied all the time. I had a little hole in the wall studio on Stockton St. just outside of Chinatown and close to North Beach and The Tenderloin. Boy, what an education in life. All the low life’s of the world, and I was one of them. Talk about the old saying “Booze, Sex and Rock and Roll”!!!!! Boy, those were the times. Or so I thought. For those who know the terminology, I was a beatnik before I was a hippie. At least thats what I thought I was, or tried to be. It didn’t take me long to lose my job from not showing up due to still being drunk. I didn’t care. Didn’t have a care in the world. I still had friends at that time, so I would just go from friend to friend, place to place to lay my head, drink some more and smoke some pot. I got some work here and there, and finally landed an office job, where I advanced to Office Manager in about a year and a half. Boy, what a job!!! Had control of money!!! A lot of it went into my pockets illegally and thus supported my drinking and drugging. It took my two years to bury myself, as I got greedy. The more I stole, the more I drank and drugged, and so I stole more. I was very good with figures, Thus my old saying “Figures Don’t Lie, But Liars Figure”. I figured myself right out of a job, even though they couldn’t prove anything. I learned another Golden Rule “Do Unto Others, Before They Do Unto You!!!!” By this time I was with my future wife. We had gone from living in hotel rooms, motel rooms, dumpy studios, nice apartments, suburban house, and started raising a family. I landed a very good job in 1971 and became a supervisor, then general foreman at about age 25. I was making very good money for the times, but it seemed the better I did, the more I drank. I was drinking in bars, started not coming home from work, taking drugs and it started taking it’s toll on me at work. Everyone knew I was an alcoholic except for me. The phony excuses for not showing up, or showing up late reeking of alcohol and sweat. By 1979, it was over at this job. I cried for a minute, feeling sorry for myself, and then went on. Emotions weren’t my cup of tea. I landed a couple of more good jobs, and did well in them. Or at least I did in MY mind. Drugs and alcohol were always present in my life, and the people whom I worked with knew it. I guess I forgot to mention that during these years, I went to jail several times, doing time in Sheriffs Honor Camp in La Honda, Ca., Work Furlough several times in Redwood City, a few days in S.F. jail, some time in Sonoma County. In 1980 I lost my oldest son from an accident in which he was hit by a car. My life was so filled with alcohol and drugs, I didn’t even know how to grieve his death. My wife took it very hard and blamed me in her own way for it. Just the excuse I needed to continue my addiction. I got a DUI with my other two sons in the car in Napa County, with them going to Juvenile Hall, and myself to County Jail.  I had a good job as General Foreman in Sunnyvale, CA. at the time, and made arrangements to show up for court. Well, ingenious me, being it was raining, left the night before to stay in a motel so I could go to court in the morning. Yea, I’m real smart. I got pulled over for another DUI that night and instead of going to court the front way, I showed up in court with handcuffs on. I knew that I was going to probably get a year in jail for this, so I decided to quit my job and run. I packed up some belonging in my truck, kissed my wife and kids goodbye for awhile and drove to the Northwest. I traveled Oregon and Washington for about 8 months. I would go to a town or city, find the hot spot for drinking and party for a few days and then move on to the next town.   We had gotten a large settlement from the death of our son, so money was available to me. I would camp out in my truck for a few days, then get a motel for a day or two to “get well”. It didn’t matter where I went, I could always find people that  I would fit in with. There are a lot of us out there that will drink and bullshit with anyone else that drinks or will buy them a drink. It’s real easy to make “friends” like this. After 8 months of traveling and drinking, I called my wife up and told her to pack up and move to Grants Pass, Oregon. I had found a place and we would start a “New Life”. The old geographical change trip. (It doesn’t work). My family moved up, but it only took me a year and a half to end up in jail there. I ended up doing a year on the work crew, while my family had to move back to California with her mom. When I got out, I went back to California, but it didn’t take me long to get picked up for the Napa County warrants. I ended up doing one year in that county jail, eventually getting work furlough and ending up running a vacuum shop. When I got out, my wife and I somehow got back together. While in Napa I picked up a couple more DUI’s and in 1992 ended up in Prison for them. Again in 1996 and again in 2000. In 1996, my wife was so fed up with me that she went with someone else. This hurt, and I still didn’t realize that it was my fault because of my addiction. After all, a person can only take so much. I had pushed her to her limit. In wasn’t until the year 2000 that I finally realized that I had hit my bottom. DUH!!!! I pleaded with the judge to send me to a rehab and somehow he did. I spent 18 months in California Rehabilitation Center (CRC), and 5 months in aftercare and a sober living house. It finally struck home that I could not DRINK AT ALL. If I did, I would end right back up in the big house and maybe not make it back out. I am now 57 years old, sober since Oct. 29, 2000, and working the program. I have my wife back (don’t ask me), and I am trying to make it in this new life. My wife sometimes doesn’t know how to take it, as she was an enabler for so many years, and I’m sure there are doubts in her mind. I can’t say that I will never drink or use drugs again in my life. The only thing I can say is that I will not use or drink today. That’s what this program is all about. “JUST FOR TODAY, I WILL NOT DRINK OR USE FOR ANY REASON, EVEN IF MY ASS FALLS OFF”. And tomorrow, I will try and wake up to the same attitude. I hope when young people read this, that it will give you the incentive to not use or drink if is affecting your life or that or others. Think hard and long, as sometimes you can’t see the harm that it does to you. Listen to others and hopefully you will not have to waste the days, months, or years of your life as I did. I stay sober today by using  a Group I started and by visiting the other recovery groups that are available. I read everything I post, and read all I can of others postings. I attend AA meetings, and stay in touch with others alcoholics. I work the 12 steps of AA, although lately I have been procrastinating on my steps, as I spend a lot of time on this old computer. But it seems to be working now that I have a clear mind. I can now show genuine emotion to others and myself. I love myself today, and thus, am capable of loving others and caring what happens to them. When you’re tired of looking at your pages, please go to Milkman’s Sober Living Site, Join and post a message or two. They will all get read and just believe me in saying that you are helping other alcoholics like me and you, STAY SOBER FOR TODAY. I hope this all makes sense to anyone that reads it, for I’ve found that by putting in writing what I’m thinking, it re-enforces what I have to do to stay sober today. I addressed this writing to the young, but for the older folks, always remember “THAT IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE”, and YES “YOU CAN TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS”. Have a Good Day   The Milkman (Mike)