I , personally, have not spent a lot of time exploring the defence mechanisms that the disordered use. I know it is helpful to some, but to me psychologising someone, or yourself, when in a personal relationship, can backfire bigtime; it's easy to get tangled up in concepts that are typically difficult to understand in any depth, and lose sight of the fact that it will not help you cope or get out. This is my opinion, not necessarily the right one. I, personally, think it is dangerous to get into psychological jargon when one isn't schooled in it. I only learned this originally Freudian concept in a class; my background is cognitive, and I did not use Freudian stuff in my practice. It is, FYI, only one school of thought.

I n my experience Ns/psychopaths are not necessarily wrong in some of the things they say about us, except that they manage to push our buttons when they do and to twist the knife into our vulnerabilities; this is what concerns me. So, psychologising might leave us even more confused, because not all they say is not true and then we wonder if we are projecting, we start to psychologise ourselves, and others will help us do it, and then we become even more enmeshed in something, imo, that gets worse the more we try to figure it out. So for me, that kind of psychologising can be a slippery slope. I leave it to psychologists and psychiatrists who generally see concepts for what they are.

T his is how I would use the term, "projection": Imagine that you are a blank movie screen and the N is the projector. The film is whatever is going on in his/her inner world. No matter what the N says or how they behave toward you, they are projecting their inner world on you. They are not capable of paying attention to the real you, only to their inner world.

I use this as a distancing technique: I choose an all or nothing approach. In essence, nothing the abusive/honeyed N says is worth listening to. I have learned not to pay real attention even tho it looks like I am. I let the words fall into a mental abyss after they are said. I believe nothing. Not one word. I don't think that when they're fucking with your minds 24/7 that they deserve one moment of real attention. For they will take that moment and make you doubt. You have to harden your heart and the moment they have finished turn away and forget everything they said, whether abusive, or dripping with honey or reasonable. Their communication is non-communication.

Remember, you are a screen to project their fantasies on. Everyone is. The most important thing to ask yourself, IMO, is, do you want to remain a blank screen the rest of your life?

(I should add that, when I finally got wise, I still heard what they said, and it hurt, but then I let it drop away. I did not dwell on it. The hurt is momentary. Their waspish stings, over time, became little pricks.

From: stychia Sent: 28/01/2004 3:15 p.m. It was a happy day for me when I learned about projection - partly from my therapist and partly from reading about it in Sandy Hotchkiss's book "Why Is It Always About You? Saving Yourself from the Narcissists In Your Life" Very clear, concise book, no fancy psycho-jargon. She preferred to call it "shame-dumping", rather than projection.