Frequently-Asked Questions of VERBAL BOUNDARIES 1 HOW WE CAN BULLYPROOF AND ESTEEM OURSELVES FROM THE PSYCHOPATHS IN OUR LIVES!! When we've finally had "ENOUGH" "Saying no can be the ultimate self-care". Claudia Black "This above all, to refuse to be a victim."Margaret Atwood N/P=Psychopath Narcissist abuser Assessing the potential for violence. If you are in an early stage of learning about Ps there can be a tendency to underestimate or be unaware of the potential for violence. We cannot stress enough that before using any verbal boundary techniques you correctly assess whether this could put you in a violent situation. If that is a possibility, get away from the P as quickly as possible. End all contact. The following FAQs about verbal boundaries are useful when we are involved with Ps who are verbally manipulative/abusive.

Q. I'm afraid if I use verbal boundaries he'll become enraged. What I can do about that? We suggest anticipating this reaction by saying something like "P, you sometimes become angry when we discuss [topic] P. If you get angry P that just proves my point. Can you remain calm while we discuss this P?" Using this tactic you establish the need for a rational, calm discussion, and by asking a Yes/No question you establish your control of the situation. At all times we keep our voice at a normal conversational level, remain very calm, show no emotion. Speak slowly without anger or aggression. Remember, although intelligent in his occupation, he is emotionally equivalent to a 5-year old's tantrum and the key is to ignore hurtful comments "We'll discuss this when you aren't so upset". P still raging? Calmly leave the room. P's rage because of their disorder. They want a reaction. Don't give them one. Q. I know I'm a nurturer, a fixer, maybe co-dependent. The thought of using verbal boundaries makes me nervous. I don't want to become one of those nasty people everyone hates. I'm afraid I'll turn into what he is. A. CONGRATULATIONS. Nurturers are the terrific people that make this a wonderful world. Unfortunately, it can be the characteristics targeted by the P. Here's the good news. Because of your nature you are not a hostile person and can ACT (Assertive, Calm, Tactful) using these boundaries in a calm, controlled, focussed way. We don't need aggression, anger or yelling. We say them with grace and dignity always tactful and diplomatic. You will earn respect. You will esteem yourself as you never have before. You will notice our suggested responses (page 3) are short and easy to learn. Being assertive, not aggressive, will ensure you will not turn into a nasty person nor will you become like them.   First, give yourself permission to say "No" (with no explanations!). We know it's hard. It was hard for us all in the beginning. Like riding a bicycle we learned bit by bit until we can do it without hesitation, confident in our ability. We need to rehearse and practice over and over. Picture P in your mind. Practice first by silently mouthing the word "No", then progress to a whisper, then your normal speaking tone. The words are far more effective when spoken in a normal conversational tone of voice. Now let's play with the words. Say something like "No, I don't think so P" or "No, I don't want to do that P. ". Try changing the inflection by putting the emphasis on different words, something like "No, I don't THINK so" or perhaps "No, I DON'T think so". Practice over and over. Try others like: "No, I haven't decided yet P", "That's my decision P" "No, it seems like we may not agree 100% of the time P", "You'll have to cope with your feelings P, but my decision is "No". Develop some of your own phrases. Practice with a friend. It is a myth we will feel guilty using boundaries. In fact, we gain self confidence and our self esteem increases tremendously.   Q.I'm not ready to use these "bottom-line boundaries" Can you suggest some phrases that can accomplish stopping the manipulatiion? A. Yes, as nurturers we are usually all too willing to please or help the manipulative P. So, we refocus on our needs. If the P is wanting something financial try saying "Actually, I'm going to need money for my car P." If it's emotional manipulation try something like "P, I need to spent more time with my [family]." "I would prefer to not get involved in this P", I need to..." Define and focus on your needs. Let the P solve his own problems. We all need to assume self responsibility, become more 'selfish' and have our needs met. We can soften our delivery techniques by keeping a smile on our face, cocking our head to the side or with a quizzical expression. We can use other softening techniques like adding "mmm" "uuhhh" for example "mmm No, I don't think so." Situationally, when he wants something, try "That's an interesting challenge for you P, let me know how it turns out".   Q. He twists everything, changes the topic, he's even threatened suicide. How do I handle that? A. If he threatens suicide tell him to get to a hospital and request a psychiatric evaluation. This is where Ps can be intimidating and cause fear. That's what he wants. Suicide threats need to be dealt with by professionals. Your job is easy, don't fall for this tactic. Call 911 if it appears imminent. Expect him to twist everything. He's verbally shooting wildly now hoping to hit something you'll react to. Any reaction you provide is his payoff so don't give him the satisfaction. It's best not to get into any discussion with a P. They are far too manipulative and cunning and they know our triggers and weaknesses all too well. They will use the 'blame game' or 'woe is me' tactics. Just let them rant and rave for however long it takes. Emotionally detach and ignore his words. You can use simple phrases such as "I'll have to think about that" or "I'm sorry you feel that way P" or "There are times we just don't seem to agree on everything P". "I want [need] you to stop blaming me P". At the end of his tirade you can refocus by saying something like "What is your question for me?"  Now he will have to stop and think about what he's after. This is likely apparent anyway but will serve as a basis for later asserting your position. Then you answer with something like "I'll have to think about that P" or more positively "No, I don't want to do that". Explanations are not necessary.Give yourself permission to do this. A suggested response might be "No, I'm not going to discuss my reasons, that's my decision P". Let P figure it out himself. Putting the emphasis on different words can change the tone of the sentence. Maintain a confident body posture. If you can, be standing while the P is sitting. You can do this by saying something like "Have a seat P, I'm going to get a glass of water". Set a time limit that you're willing to listen. Then if he's still at it leave the room "This is annoying P, I'm busy and this is taking up too much of my time, we'll discuss this more when you aren't so upset".   Q. Can you suggest some other responses so I don't look like the 'heavy'? A. We suggest 'representing a group'. Try sentences like "P, the family feels that..." or, "Some of us have discussed this and we feel that..." "People have been saying that I should..." If he pressures you for an explanation give yourself permission to say nothing or "That's our decision P" or "I'm taking the advice they gave me P". If he asks who 'they are'. Simply say absolutely nothing. Give him the 'look' or say "I'm not going to say who they are P, so don't ask". Q. Do I have to make direct eye-to-eye contact? His eyes are so cold and malevolent. A. No, it's often best NOT to look predators in the eye. Work on a cuticle or quickly glance at his ear or the top of his shoulder. Look back at your cuticle. Make as few body movements as possible. Act as confident as you can and use eye contact only if you are comfortable doing this.   Q. Sometimes I get tongue-tied, I can't speak the words, my mind freezes and I need to get away and calm myself down and think about all this. Any suggestions? A. Yes, we all experience that. We can't be strong all the time. That would be expecting too much of ourselves. There are many ways to convey a message using simple facial gestures or body language. Wrinkling your brow can convey confusion. Adding pursed lips indicates annoyance. A shrug can indicate indifference. A wave of your hand is dismissive. Checking your watch frequently is another. Leaning forward can show you are encouraging him to speak. Leaning back and looking elsewhere can give the impression you are bored. Semi-verbal responses might be "hmmm" "huh?" or "Oh". Practice those that reflect your personality and the message you want to convey. Concentrate on your deep breathing, thinking 'in/out'. Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom to clear your thoughts. Keep a copy of verbal responses you think will be helpful in your purse or pocket where you can refresh your memory when he isn't looking. When we get stuck, remember to say "I'll have to think about that P, I'm busy right now". Recognize the triggers in yourself. Your P will know them and so should you. A wise option is to get someone else to speak to the P.   Q. I haven't seen him for weeks now and I dread running into him. I'm not sure how I'll react? What's a good way to handle this? A. We all dread the sudden 'street corner' encounter. We've taken major healing steps and we know we've got a way to go yet. Using visual imagery, picture just such an occasion. Practice and rehearse simply saying "Hello P". Let P do the talking. Practice a poker face and then after he's been talking for a few seconds, look at your watch and say something like "Excuse me P but I'm late. Take care of yourself P, G'bye". In your visual imagery, picture yourself doing this successfully. Remain focused on who he really is. Mentally 'devaluing and discarding' him will give you a boost of self esteem and reality-check reminder. Q. I feel there must be more to it. Is there anything else I could be doing? A. Yes, lots of things we need to do. We must be 100% self reliant. We must never, ever ask the P for anything. The good news is we don't do anything for them either. We must be financially and emotionally independent. Stick to your guns and stick by what you said. We must never change our decisions. Changing your decision will start a new round of manipulation. We need to learn how ignore nasty comments, to ask Yes/No questions and only respond to those questions from the P. We need to develop clairvoyant skills to see where their words are leading. We need to be on the watch for the 'statements' he says presented as questions and not respond. Other techniques can be repeating his last 3 or 4 words back to him, presenting them like a question. Don't give P an answer, just say 'I'll have to think about that', giving yourself time to think about what he's really up to (allow 48 hrs.) In a custody situation, have the P send you emails with his requests. Record for evidence. The P may be recording you too. Is he asking for a change to the custody agreement? Then negotiate something you want. Try saying: "I'll have to think about that P I'm busy right now. Call me next Tuesday and I'll let you know my decision." Put the onus of performance on him (ie the call). Let the P be the one asking. Now think about what you want. If he asks why you're busy, give yourself permission to not answer. He's being intrusive. Just say "Goodbye P" then hang up. They are pathological liars. Asking them questions is just inviting lies. (Page 1/3) cont'd.