Frequently-Asked Questions of VERBAL BOUNDARIES 2 HOW WE CAN BULLYPROOF AND ESTEEM OURSELVES!! When we've finally had "ENOUGH" "Saying no can be the ultimate self-care." Claudia Black Assessing the potential for violence. If you are in an early stage of learning about Ps there can be a tendency to underestimate or be unaware of the potential for violence. We cannot stress enough that before using any verbal boundary techniques you correctly assess whether this could put you in a violent situation. If that is a possibility, get away from the P as quickly as possible. End all contact. The following FAQs about verbal boundaries are useful when we are involved with Ps who are verbally manipulative/abusive.

Q. He keeps talking and verbally hammering trying to wear me down. Do you have some suggestions? A. Yes, this is to be expected. Take some steps to end this. Look at your watch, stand up and firmly, but calmly say something like "P, this is becoming annoying. I've given you my decision P, and I won't change my mind." Leave the room. Work hard on your ACTING so you don't appear upset. As we have stressed before, we say this in a normal speaking tone of voice showing no anger. ACT (Assertive, Calm, Tactful).    Q. He's making decisions that ignore obvious disasterous consequences. He disregards my warnings. What do you suggest? A. "Bad judgment' is a notorious characteristic of Ps. Watch out that you are not being manipulated into being the "fall guy". If all goes well, the P takes the credit. If not, you get the blame. We suggest you might try "Have you thought of the consequences P?" (don't offer any, let him figure it out) or "I don't want to get involved P" or "That's an interesting situation P, let me know how it turns out". If he doesn't have someone to use and blame he may rethink his plans. Don't take the bait!! Because we are nurturers we want to jump in with suggestions or actions trying to help. STOP!! Don't fall for this. Now he may try a tactic such as saying "I don't know what to do". Be careful of this trap. That's a statement, not a question!!! But, it just begs for a response from us. These are the tricks they use. The best thing we can do is to not get involved at all. Make sure you are not vulnerable to the consequences. If he asks a direct question, try something like "I have no idea P." Ps must assume responsibility and accountability for themselves. We must do the same for ourselves. We all need to stop feeling guilty when we don't get involved. Q. He's trying to involve me in his little schemes, is there a softer way to tell him no? A. We suggest you try someting like "You'll be glad to know P that you won't have to involve me in your plans. I'm sure you'll be able to take care of it yourself. I'Il look forward to hearing how it turned out." Here is an opportunity to watch his use of words and how he uses the "we" word. From: Without Conscience, The Disturbing World of The Psychopaths Among Us byDr. Robert Hare, Ph.D. Set firm ground rules: Although power struggles with a psychopath are risky at best, you may be able to set up some clear ground rules, both for yourself and for the psychopath, to make your life easier and begin the difficult transition from victim to a person looking out for yourself. For example, this may mean that you will no longer bail him or her out of trouble, no matter what the circumstances. Q. He left but he keeps coming back telling me he's changed and is sorry. Why? A. Say "I do not want you to contact me any more P". He is using target-practice again. Stop allowing him to have contact with you.   Q. I want to keep him talking to try and find out what he's after. How can I do that? A. We suggest you try something like "I'm confused, what are you getting at P?" "This is interesting P, tell me more" or "I'm not sure I understand you P." or play into his ego "How interesting, how did you do that?". You may wear him down or he may disclose more of what he's really up to. Also, this is a terrific little way of observing his skills at verbal manipulation. As we get the P to talk we can watch out for his little tricks like statements posed as questions and how he is focussing on things that he knows will bait you. We can learn a lot about ourselves and how we react. It can become very empowering for us to control our emotions and reactions now. Remember the old saying "Whose money is it?." We would be well advised to think strategically and remember ... What's the problem? and whose problem is it? Categorizing this way saves a lot of headaches.   Q. He makes vague and specific threats. Is he serious? A. Yes.   Q. The school needs Ps social security number for the kids' field-trip records. Whenever I ask him anything he delays, asks needless questions, says he'll 'get back to me'. It's so frustrating. Is there anything I can do? A. Yes. We suggest you get someone else to ask him. This is not weakness, it's a strong tactic to have someone else call him. Because they are misogynists, we suggest getting a male who is willing and helpful to do this. Preferably someone he will not want to appear cheap/nasty in front of. In fact anytime we are dealing with Ps it is often an excellent tactic to ask the help of supportive friends and family. We are not strong all the time. We need help. Ask for this type of help.   Let's call you Joan. Have your friend Mark say something like "P, I'm calling you because Jr's. school needs your social security number on a form that Jr. brought home from school. It's for their records for Jr.'s field-trip insurance forms. They need this information by [deadline]. I have the form here P, what's your number so I can note it on the form?" P has a right to see the form and while remembering the deadline, arrange to take the form to him or have him come by. Ask him when it's convenient for him thus getting him to commit to a time. If he hassles Mark too, you have no choice but to return the form to the school noting that you repeatedly contacted him and he was not co-operative. Give his phone number to the school and request they contact him. This prevents him from having the satisfaction of hassling you. Now you have 3 people who are aware of his lack of co-operation. Do keep copies if you need to send this type of note to the school and of course, records of all conversations. Make others aware of his abuse.   Q. Why does he say "That's not what I meant, you misunderstood". A. He's backpedaling and twisting his words to bait you. Expect this. Try a good old-fashioned "shunning (totally ignoring)" the P. His 'payoff' is the satisfaction of getting a reaction from you. Realizing this is your strong suit.   Some Tips, Tricks and Tactics Pay close attention to what he says. Make sure it's a question (they hate asking questions) and NOT A STATEMENT. Never reply to statements. Watch for "I'm wondering how I'll pay for the..." - this is a statement, not a question, but it begs for a response. Don't take the bait.   Don't try to be a therapist to the P. Let some things slide. Expect that it will be difficult to stay non-defensive. Try not to say "I'm sorry", instead try something like "You may not agree P, but [everyone has been advising me that...], [I need...], Say NO "I've given you my decision P." Try answering a question with a question "Why are you asking me this P?". "What did you have in mind P." As you practice and rehearse, try to anticipate his comments and your options about how you will respond. Again, when we get stuck, remember "I'll need to think about that P."   Situationally, try the sandwich technique. First some praise for the P showing how pleased you were when he... then we say our "No" comment, followed by another 'praise phrase'. This is effective in reinforcing your appreciation at their good behaviour. Stay focused on one issue at a time. Ps will try to shift the issue away from what you need to discuss. Don't take the bait, we suggest "First we need to decide...P" Try a little 'assumed compliance' such ;as "I'm sure you'll agree P that..." Make it seem like his idea. "I'm sure I remember P you once felt that..." or, "I remember you once mentioned P, that..." Give 'em enough rope...As Mom told me "never miss a good opportunity to keep your mouth shut". Make sure you record what he says. Humour can play an essential role. NPs have poorly-defined concepts of boundaries. The best thing you can do for you and them is to clearly state boundaries and limits. Q. He tells horrible lies and accusations about me to other people behind my back. A. We know how horribly cruel and hurtful this is. Here we must be extra strong. DON'T TAKE THE BAIT or he will say "See, I told you how [angry], [hostile] she was!". They are experts at projecting (accusing us of doing what they are doing) and pitting one person against another. When you hear this, hold up your hand (the stop-sign position) and say "I don't want to hear anything about P". People will stop and begin to reassess what they've been told. In time, people will figure things out and eventually it will backfire on him. Another thing they do is to flaunt their new girlfriend etc. in front of us. It's the nature of the beast. We know how much this hurts. Now go ahead and punch that pillow!! The Smear Campaign of the Abuser Q. Am I on the right track in thinking I can use some of his characteristics to get co-operation? A. Absolutely. We suggest you begin a conversation by praising his looks, accomplishments or intelligence. Do this in front of other people if possible. Make sure P acknowledges this praise in some way. Be precise in what you are asking. Learn what his payoffs are. Focus on the benefits he will obtain from compliance with your request. Mirroring (saying things to P they want to hear) does not always need to involve sugary praise and compliments. We can smile or nod our head whenever the P boasts about his accomplishments, superior qualities etc. It can be an excellent tactic while biding our time. Anticipate the Ps mood changes. Contradicting him or saying he is weak, incompetent or needy could provoke a hostile reaction. Avoid this.   Q. Wouldn't it be better to get completely away from the P and not have to use these responses at all? A. Yes. Wherever possible, end a relationship with a P. However, for many of us this may not be possible. The P may be a parent, child, co-worker, custodial co-parent, in-law, neighbor etc.  Q. The P in my life is at work. What should I do? A. We strongly recommend the superb website of Tim Field: http://www.bullyonline.org/workbully/serial.htm Page 2/3