Essential Reading for your safety..
If you are convinced, or feel reasonably certain that you are in a relationship with a destructive narcissist, you may be tempted to do all or any of the following
Tell your partner that he or she is a destructive narcissist.
Confront your partner about their behavior and attitudes.
Leave this book where you partner can see it with the hope that they will read it and see what they are doing.
Give your partner the book and tell them to read it, since it’s about them.
Do not do any of the above, or anything similar. Here is why these acts are not helpful. Persons with a destructive narcissist pattern cannot see the behaviors and attitudes they exhibit as you and others perceive them. They are unaware of the impact on you, and are well defended against knowing. Further, your attempts to make them aware or get through to them will fail, and will be perceived as threats to their core essential self. This will bring out their defenses for protection. The defenses are likely to be hostile, aggressive, strong and immediately available to them, so that they are able to attack and mount a strong counteroffensive in a nanosecond. You generally do not win or make any headway, and can find yourself in a worse position than before.
Loving the Self Absorbed, Nina W. Brown
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1572243546/104-9284888-7471903?v=glance Can you change them? Reality check: No. Even constructive criticism is experienced by them as an affront and is met with anger and a sense of betrayal. Placating only results in more demands, not a return of thoughtfulness and consideration. In fact, if you always excuse or rationalize self-absorption and give in to constant demands, you are actually supporting and reinforcing their narcissistic needs and wants.
Are You Involved with a Narcissist by Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
http://www.ec-online.net/Knowledge/Articles/narcissistic.html
How Can I Help the Borderline in my Life, by Randi Kreger
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/borderline_personality/31155
Stop Walking on Eggshells (Kreger/Mason)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157224108X/103-1661874-5051065?v=glance&n=283155
A person with a character disorder is unlikely to change. They’re not good candidates for therapy in that they lack insight and stop therapy once confronted. The condition is deeply rooted in the person and usually in spite of their best intentions; they tend to return in 3-6 months to their ‘baseline”, or core behavior. I always tell people in serious relationships to “date the seasons” – meaning a courtship over time where all sides and moods of the person can be observed. A character-disordered person cannot hide his true core behavior for more than about 6 months. You’ll see “red flags” that will alarm you beyond normal odd behavior that we all have. Do not think that “love conquers all.” You do not have the ability to change or rehabilitate this person, and after awhile you will be unhappy, lonely, if not broken, in this relationship. My advice to you would then be to leave the relationship – for good and quickly.
95 personality disorder traits by J. Kent Griffeth, DSW http://members.aol.com/dswgriff/chardisorder.html
Ask him to define - preferably in writing - what he expects from you and where he thinks that you, or your "performance" are "deficient". Try to accommodate his reasonable demands and ignore the rest. Do not, at this stage, present a counter-list. This will come later. To move him to attend couple or marital therapy, tell him that you need his help to restore your relationship to its former warmth and intimacy. Admit to faults of your own which you want "fixed" so as to be a better mate. Appeal to his narcissism and self-image as the omnipotent and omniscient macho. Humour him for a while.
Contracting With Your Abuser – Author Sam Vaknin
http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/18046/104159
I believe in the possibility of loving narcissists if one accepts them unconditionally, in a disillusioned and expectation-free manner. Narcissists are narcissists. This is what they are. Take them or leave them. Some of them are lovable. Most of them are highly charming and intelligent. The source of the misery of the victims of the narcissist is their disappointment, their disillusionment, their abrupt and tearing and tearful realization that they fell in love with an ideal of their own invention, a phantasm, an illusion, a fata morgana. This "waking up" is traumatic. The narcissist is forever the same. It is the victim who changes.
Excerpts from the Archives of the Narcissism List - Part 1 Listowner: Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/archive1.html
Book Recommendation:
The Narcissistic Family - Diagnosis and Treatment
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0787908703/103-7674737-8751803?v=glance
Getting Better by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/faq12.html
Testing the Abuser by Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/abusefamily9.html
The following are some things to remember that should help you as you learn to live with mental illness in your family:
You cannot cure a mental disorder for a parent or sibling.
No one is to blame for the illness.
Mental disorders affect more than the person who is ill.
Despite your best efforts, your loved one's symptoms may get worse, or they may improve.
If you feel extreme resentment, you are giving too much.
It is as hard for the parent or sibling to accept the disorder as it is for other family members.
Acceptance of the disorder by all concerned may be helpful, but it is not necessary.
A delusion has little or nothing to do with reality, so it needs no discussion.
Separate the person from the disorder.
It is not OK for you to be neglected. You have emotional needs and wants, too.
The illness of a family member is nothing to be ashamed of. The reality is that you will likely encounter stigma from an apprehensive public.
You may have to revise your expectations of the ill person.
You may have to renegotiate your emotional relationship with the ill person.
Acknowledge the remarkable courage your sibling or parents may show when dealing with a mental disorder.
Generally, those closest in sibling order and gender become emotionally enmeshed while those further out become estranged.
Grief issues for siblings are about what you had and lost. For adult children, they are about what you never had.
Be straight with Yourself. To use good judgment and make wise decisions about the prospects for change in your abusive partner, you need to be honest with yourself. Because you love him or you have children with him, or leaving him would be difficult for other reasons, you may be solely temped to get overly hopeful about small concessions that he finally makes. If he doesn’t budge for five years, or twenty years, and then he finally moves an inch your exhaustion can make you think, “Hay! An inch! That’s progress! You may wish to overlook all the glaring signs indicating that his basic attitudes and strategies remain intact. Beware of his deception and your own self-deception. I have heard such heart-rending sadness in the voices of many dozens of abused women who have said to me “I wish I could somehow recover all those years I wasted waiting around for him to deal with his issues.”
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft
For the rest of us, we need to heed the experiences of my online friend L. L's man came on strong. Charming. Wonderful. They married, and he immediately became selfish, cold, and ambivalent about their marriage but refused to leave; he was unempathic, wildly defensive and manipulative. He was a Narcissist. L knew something was morbidly wrong, but she stayed; he'd grow distant, she'd work to make it better. How long did this go on before she read the writing on the wall?
Friend L stayed with her narcissist for three decades, until she 'selfishly' left him to preserve the remaining shards of sanity she had. I wonder if she has any regrets about leaving and wishes she could have him back, or if she has any general advice for the rest of us. Let's ask her, shall we?
Alex: Hey, L. Do you have any advice for the gals out here who are on the fence about their Narcissist partners?
L: G E T! O U T! I WENT THROUGH YEARS OF HELL. I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIRTY YEARS AGO. I WANT MY THIRTY YEARS BACK!!!
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri (with permission)
http://www.angelfire.com/indie/aanouri/
The narcissist admits to a problem only when abandoned, destitute, and devastated. He feels that he doesn't want any more of this. He wants to change. And there often are signs that he IS changing. And then it fades. He reverts to old form. The "progress" he made evaporates virtually overnight. Many narcissists report the same process of progression followed by recidivist remission and many therapists refuse to treat narcissists because of the Sisyphean frustration involved.
QUESTION NUMBER 2 - SELF-AWARENESS AND HEALING – Dr. Sam Vaknin
http://samvak.tripod.com/2.html
Whether they're born or made; whether they're classified just right in the DSM or not; whether they're 'mentally ill' or 'emotionally ill;' whether they're severe NPD, 'narcissistic type' or "only" have 'narcissistic tendencies,' doesn't matter here. Leave all that to the university guys. Study it yourself after you're out and away and he's leaving you alone. The abuse hurts you deep and hard no matter what labels and qualifiers are slapped on the narcissist. Try all the maneuvers you want, but if he's close to you, if you're in contact with him, he'll hurt you.
So, You're in Love With a Narcissist by Alexandra Nouri (with permission)
On a funny note here are some (unsuccessful?) 'treatments for personality disorder' that have been mentioned at our sites: St. John's Wort, Reiki, Buddhist Meditation, Primrose Extract, Omega Rich/Deficient Diets, Hormone Patch, visiting Lourdes, Shamanism, Zoroastrianism (religion)
