What not to wear

One of the things I have always liked best about internet poker (apart from the wide choice of stakes and games, and the 24-hour access) is the fact that you don't have to get dressed to play. You can't turn up to your friend's home game in a pair of old pyjamas, and it certainly wouldn't be recommended for the casino. But at home and on-line, anything goes.

Lately, however, I have been reconsidering. I know that when I'm going out for work meetings or on dates, clothes are important for my state of mind. I feel efficient and clever in a trouser suit, I feel flirty in heels, I feel lazy in jeans. I'm sure this affects the way I behave. So why should poker be any different? Maybe it's dangerous to slob around playing the game in my pj's. Maybe it gives me the wrong attitude.

And maybe it would help to have a SPECIAL POKER WARDROBE, even for on-line play. Maybe, if we sit down in clothes which reflect a particular attitude, it will remind us of what we are trying to achieve. With this in mind, I have been thinking about the assumptions I make about strangers in live poker games, based on what they look like. And here is my list of ON-LINE POKER CLOTHING RECOMMENDATIONS, available from all good retailers.

SPORTS ATTIRE

The guy who sits down to play poker in sportswear is a worrying prospect for opponents. His outfit signifies a relaxed, confident approach. In America, all the top pros turn up for tournaments in tracksuits, or jogging pants and T-shirts.

Those clothes say: "I am a professional sportsman, and I'm dressing like it. I intend to be at this table til the bitter end so I'm going to be comfortable and casual, with that sporty little twist which reflects my will to win."

There actually is a physical element to multi-table tournament poker. You need the stamina to remain alert, upright and focussed for a long time. It's no good being hungry, wheezy or sleepy (or any of the other seven dwarves.) Many players confirm that a gym workout in the morning makes them play better in the afternoon.

Beyond that, of course, poker doesn't make great demands on your physical fitness. It is a pretty sedentary pursuit. Nevertheless, it is possible that dressing like a professional sportsman makes you feel like one – and nobody denies that mental attitude and confidence are vital to this game. So if you're a new online player, and you still feel a little nervous, why not try wearing your gym kit? It might help you, like an Olympic athlete, to fix your eye firmly on the gold…

THE LOUD HAWAIIAN SHIRT

The guy who plays in a Hawaiian shirt is rarely a rock - and his shirt isn't the only loud thing about him. He's going to natter away at the table, either (if he's a bad player) giving away a whole bunch or tells – or (if he's a pro) using this speech-play cleverly to unsettle opponents and gain information. He's also going to play a lot of hands. He hasn't come out to sit around quietly waiting for aces. He has a low boredom threshold and he wants to see some action.

The bad "Hawaiian" is simply playing too many hands and frittering away his chips with no regard for situation. The good "Hawaiian" is playing weird hands for creative reasons, preventing anybody from being able to put him on particular cards, and setting out to trap opponents with some unexpected nuts.

So if you think you're a bit too tight, why not buy yourself a nice, over-sized, multi-coloured shirt covered in palm trees, and slip into it before you sit down at the computer? It might encourage you to loosen up a bit. You'll feel like more of a gambler, and you'll start to have fun with those small suited connectors which can crack those aces with such sweet satisfaction.

BASEBALL CAP, SHADES AND IPOD

This one can be a tricky read, because there are two options. Either you're looking at a Scandinavian super-pro who's going to be super-aggressive and utterly indifferent to attack. Or you're looking at a guy who is so incredibly nervous about revealing tells that he has deliberately obscured his entire face (and blocked out all conversation with music) in an attempt to hide from his opponents.

Either way, you are certainly looking at a guy who has watched a lot of poker on TV. The chances are that (either due to his aggression, or the fact that he has watched nothing but the final tables of major no-limit Holdem competitions) he prefers to raise and re-raise as soon as he finds a playable hand, rather than get clever after cards. And if he finds AK, it's all going in. He wouldn't put that down before the flop if you pointed a loaded shotgun at him.

So if you're a calling station, always hoping to see the flop cheaply and never taking control of the pot, why not get yourself up in a hat and shades before you play an on-line competition? It could inspire you to put the pressure on - making that crucial pre-flop choice between raising and folding, rather than just calling and watching your chip-stack get whittled away.

THE SUIT AND TIE

Time to be careful. You know which players put on a suit and tie before a major competition? Marcel Luske and David "Devilfish" Ulliot, that's who. Arguably the two greatest tournament players in all of Europe. The "business look" is an imposing sight on these boys, especially since they're both taller than God.

Of course, sometimes a guy who turns up to a poker game in a suit and tie has simply come straight from the office. But you know what that means? He's GOT A JOB! This is already a rare sign of discipline and rigour, in the lazy and carefree poker world. And it isn't a job taking the bins out, either. Not in those clothes.

A suited and booted player tends to have, at the very least, a decent grasp of maths and a fairly analytical brain. More so than the guy in the Hawaiian shirt, anyway. At their best (like Ulliot and Luske) they are in the business of trapping you after cards, thinking slyly back through the narrative of the betting, and putting you on quite precise hands.

So if you're a rhino at the game, charging in with unbridled aggression and committing yourself to pots too early, why not put that tie around your neck to play on-line? The knot is a reminder to calm things down, think things through, be a bit clever and make meaningful decisions with your money.