Mother Said:
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER:
"After all that money you father and I spent on braces, Mona,
that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER:
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times
not to sit on the wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER:
"All right Napoleon. If you're not hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove
it!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER:
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball
cap like the other kids?"
GOLDILOCK'S MOTHER:
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family.
You know anything about this Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER:
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get of your tuffet and
start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER:
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something
about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something....?"
JONAH'S MOTHER:
"That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been
for the past 3 days!"
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER:
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided
you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending
so much time in all those phone booths!"
And finally...
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER:
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear.
Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
Lucky Number 5
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5,
has been married 5 years, has 5 children,
makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5
receives a phone call from a friend.
The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5
will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening.
Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his
bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5.
Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.
Groaner #1
Submitted by:
chrystallion
A man was at a bar one night and saw a beautiful redhead
sitting in the booth opposite him. After about 5 minutes,
he got up the guts to go talk to her. Just as he sat down,
she sneezed and her glass eye flew out from her socket.
On reflex, the guy shot out his arm and caught her eye and
gave it back to her. They started talking and the redhead
invited the man to go to a movie with her, then go back to
her place for a nightcap. In the morning, she cooked him a
big breakfast of bacon and eggs and the man said, "Why are
you being incredibly nice to me? Is this the way you treat
all men who start talking to you?"
The redhead replied, "No, you just happened to catch my eye!"
Groaner #2
Submitted by:
Amy
Los Angeles, CA
Q. Why do bagpipers walk as they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Groaner #3
Submitted by:
Karen
Q. How come cannibals won't eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny!
Groaner #1
Q. How do you know if you are staying in a second rate hotel?
A. If you call the desk clerk to report that "you gotta leak in your sink"
and he replies by telling you that it's okay but rinse it out when you're done.
Groaner #2
Suzysewer
N. Syracuse, NY
Q. What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
A. One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Groaner #3
Q. What do you call a woman with one leg?
A. Ilene
Groaner #4
Submitted by:
Dan
spokane wash
Q. Did you hear about the midget psychic who escaped from prison?
A. He's a small medium at large.
Tickle Me Elmo
Submitted By:
Cammy
Waycross
A woman went to apply for a job at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.
She went to her interview, and an hour or so later she got the
job. The manager congratulated her and told her to be at work
at 8:00 sharp the next morning. The next morning she breezed
in at 8:00 and started to work. After a couple of hours, a fellow
worker rushed in to the manager’s office.
"Sir, he said," the woman you just hired has set us back for days!
I don't know what she's doing, but it's bad!"
The manager replied, "Well tomorrow we will observe her and see
why she's taking so long."
The Avid Golfer
Submitted By:
voltary
perdix, pa
Mike, an avid golfer, was teeing up for a very difficult shot.
At that moment a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood
still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His golfing
partner looked at him and said, "Mike, that was kind and decent of
you to show such respect for the dead."
Mike replied, "Yes, we would have been married twenty-six years
come tomorrow."
The next morning the manager and worker quickly hid so the woman
would not see them. She immediately set to work to make the Elmo.
She then took two more eyeballs and another piece of furry cloth
and fiddled around with it and sewed it on the doll. The manager
started roaring with laughter. He went up to the woman still
chuckling and said, "You misunderstood me when you got the job.
You are supposed to give Elmo two test tickles."
Family Secret
Submitted By:
deepestonealive
Kansas City, MO
A young husband returned home to find his new bride preparing to
bake a ham. He noticed she had cut off both ends, so he asked her
why since it looked like perfectly good ham.
She told him, "I learned that from my mother." He accepted that,
ate the ham, and it was great.
At the next family gathering, the young husband asked his new
mother-in-law about the ham. She said, "I learned that from my
mother."
Grandma came home for Christmas, and the young husband finally had
the chance to solve the riddle. He told Grandma about his wife, her
mother, and how they had both learned this from her.
Grandma said, "Well...I had a short pan!"
A Pirate's Tale
Submitted By:
Torre
Fallbrook CA
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar. The pirate has a peg leg, a hook,
and an eye patch. "How'd you end up with a peg leg?" asks the sailor.
"I was swept overboard in a storm," says the pirate. "A shark bit off
me whole leg."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"
"We were boarding an enemy ship, battling the other seamen with swords.
One of them cut me hand clean off."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "And the eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell in me eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
Said the pirate, "It was me first day with the hook."
A New Aesop's Fable
Submitted By:
Tom
Reston VA
Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow
at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning,
Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."
Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer
shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely
nothin' and loving it."
Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back
up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down,
"I don’t see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the
road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.
In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.
The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely
Nothing, but only if you are really high up.
True Law
Submitted By:
ang
After starting her own business, an investment counselor found
she was doing so well, she needed to get in-house counsel. So
she began interviewing young lawyers.
"In this business," she stated to one of her first applicants,
"our personal integrity must be beyond question. Do you consider
yourself an honest lawyer, Mr. Ford?"
"I certainly do!" replied the lawyer. "I'm so honest that after
my father loaned me fifteen thousand dollars for my education,
I paid back every penny after my very first case."
The investment counselor was impressed. "What sort of case was
it?" she asked.
The lawyer pressed his lips tightly for a moment before finally
answering, "He sued me for the money."
The Email
Submitted By:
LORI
NM
A married couple was planning to go on vacation in Key West, Florida.
The man went down first, while the wife was finishing up a business
meeting in New York City. The husband arrived and decided to email
his wife to tell her he arrived in Key West.
After he typed his message, he accidentally typed in the wrong email
address. The email went to a woman who was grieving over her recently
deceased husband. The grieving woman checked her email, read the man’s
letter, then passed out cold. Her daughter came in and looked at the
computer screen. It read:
Honey,
This is your husband. I just wanted to tell you I got here OK, and I
have all your bags checked in and ready for you to get here tonight
so we can be together.
P.S. It sure is hot down here.
Women and Men
Submitted By:
DEKern
Providence, RI
An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
The Excuse
Submitted By:
ernie_g
miami
A 55 year old man bought a new BMW, and while out driving
around one day, began to feel the awesome power and speed
of the car. Before he realized it, he was doing 90 mph
and lights begin to flash in his rear view mirror.
The man floored it, thinking the cop would never keep up.
Soon he was doing 150 mph. Just then he realized that the
cop could easily call for back up and block the road ahead,
so he decided to pull over.
As you can imagine, the cop was fuming. He told the man,
"Look, it's Friday and I'm at the end of my shift. If you
can give me a good excuse that I've never heard before, I'll
let you go."
The man thought for a moment and responded to the cop.
"O.K. Look. A couple of weeks ago, my wife ran off with
a police officer, and when I saw the lights, I thought it
was him trying to return her."
Where's My Rolex???!!!!!
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car
came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining
bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look
what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!"
retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW,
that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody
left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
One Liners...
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Everybody repeat after me..."We are all individuals."
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A good pun is its own reword.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf."
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
The Cookies
Submitted By:
Soopertam
Stonehaven
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly
smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up
the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out
of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the
stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into
the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven: there, spreads out upon newspapers on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one
great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste
of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to
life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly, made its way to a cookie at
the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."
Memory
Submitted By:
Tara
Arkansas
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of
the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away or start
making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of
the stairs and can't remember whether I am on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on
wood." She rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
Lawyers
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case
The defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for
driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so
the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking for
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in
the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so
followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over
in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant
was guilty.
The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting
ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly
three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have
they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're
still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Hiring Help
Submitted By:
loves_texas_4ever
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No. We already have all the help we need," he said.
"Then would you mind getting someone to help me?" she asked.
Beer Study
Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results
of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To
test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a
one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused
to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned....
Two Girls
Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl
seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look
anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the
stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're
feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."
Some of the Myths About Marriage...
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their
passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says:
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must
not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The
husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he
might as well deal with it.
The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big
department store. He walks around and has her try on three
very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife
to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching
shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department
where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You
don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it."
The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe
what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the
cash register."
The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy
all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want
you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband
says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"
Lottery Winner
A wife comes in and yells, "Honey! Pack your clothes! I just
won the lottery!"
Her husband yells back, "But should I pack for the beach or
for the mountains?"
The wife replies, "I don't care! Just get the hell out!"
The Blind Date
Allen took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you
like to do first, Sandra?" asked Allen.
"I want to get weighed," said Sandra.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over,
Allen again asked Sandra what she would like to do. "I want to get
weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Allen lost
his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Allen figured
she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a
handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Sandra responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
The Feminist
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her,
a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another
man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering
a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the
seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted
again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, "Look, lady,
you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."
The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy:
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot of
someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheer leading Championship.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
And...
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking,
"He must be mad at me."
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
ESPN's Sports Center.
Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life
long buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
different?"
Baywatch.
There is always a game on somewhere.
The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl:
Free dinners.
You can cry without pretending there's something in your contact.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human
being.
A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder
strategically positioned.
If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers.
When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't
have to break up with him.
If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up
with him
If you don't shave, no one will know.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You can dress yourself.
And...
Your hair is yours to keep.
If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really
chic.
You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
You’ll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
You’re rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your
feelings.
If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your
teeth.
When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
You’ll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
You don't have hair on your back.
If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.
You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
If you have big ears, no one has to know.
You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry
Springer.
Beer Bottles and Change
A man and a woman were married for 40 years.
When they first got married the man said, "I
am putting a box under the bed. You must promise
never to look in it." In all their 40 years of
marriage the woman never looked.
However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary
curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the
lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer
bottles and $1954.25 in small bills. She closed the
box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew
what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.
That evening they were out for a special dinner at their
favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no
longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying,
"I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise
and never looked. However today the temptation was too
much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you
keep the bottles in the box?"
The man thought for a while and said, "I guess after all
these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: Whenever
I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer bottle in
the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
The woman was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed
and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from
home on the road, temptation does happen. And I guess that
3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged
and made their peace.
A little while later, the woman asked the man, "Why do
you have all that money in the box?" To which the man answered,
"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
Problems
Submitted by:
blousers
northen minnesota
Mental Anxiety
Mental Breakdown
Menstrual Cramps
Menopause
Did you ever notice that all of our problems
begin with men???
Some Thoughts...
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
Women cook, men eat. Women clean, men get dirty. Women iron, men wrinkle.
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to
do with it.
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
The Poisoned Drink
A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him,
"If you were my husband I would poison your drink."
The man replied, "If you were my wife I would drink it."
Today, "online" is the name of the game, and Capella
University knows it. Our online IT programs get you where
you want to be in the world of technology. They combine
experiential learning, expert instruction and Internet-based
delivery to offer a quality IT education, conveniently.
I Don't Understand
Stanley was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table,
reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a
beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was
known primarily for his lack of I.Q. and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never
understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
Stanley's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"
A Little Gift
After being away on business, Clarence McDougal thought it would
be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?"
he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00. "That is a bit much," said Clarence.
So the clerk returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite
a bit," Clarence groused.
Growing annoyed, the cosmetics clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
"What I mean," said Clarence, "is I would like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
The Love Dress
Submitted By:
Joe_H_
Grass Valley CA
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married
couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house.
She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy
and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave
because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got
home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited
by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing
naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she replied.
Husband: "Needs ironing!"
My Pumpkin
A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy
preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 60 years.
While the wife was off in the kitchen, the guy said to his buddy,
"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married,
you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name
about ten years ago."
At The Bus Stop
One day at a bus stop, there was a girl who was wearing
a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her
turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight
she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg,
she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still
could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once
again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and
unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the
step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't
reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her
put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step
of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you
touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man said, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and
unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
The Offer
Submitted by:
Myriam
OR
A man and a woman were guests at a party.
They had been eyeing each other all night.
Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked,
"Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
"Well yes!" answered the woman.
The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"
"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified.
"What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man.
"Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."
Top 15 Action Movies With Dennis Rodman
15...Feets of Fury
14...The Worminator
13...CrossDressinator II: Salon Day
12...Dante's Freak
11...Dennis: The Menace
10...Pierced Shaft
9...Kickboxer III: Out-of-Court Settlement
8...Indiana Jones and the Freak from the NBA
7...Alien, Too
6...Four Wedding Dresses And A Strong Rebounding, Weak-Shooting
Forward
5...Evita... Yeah, I Did Her
4...Batman Comes Out!
3...Dye Hard
2...Honey, He Kicked My Nuts
And the Number 1 Action Movie Starring Dennis Rodman...
1...Beavis and Head-Butt
Grandpa, Can You...?
Submitted by:
Crazy Canuck
Vancouver, BC
A little girl said, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she sat on her grandfather's lap she said, "Grandpa,
can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound
like a frog."
The girl said, "Grandpa, will you please, please make a
sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandfather said, "Sweetheart, why do you
want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl said, "Because Grandma said that when
you croak, we're going to Florida!"
Birth Control Pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the
doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I’d like to have
some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 72 years old. What possible
use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do
birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice
every morning and I sleep better at night."
Three Friends
Submitted by:
Grant S.
Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday:
a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV
cut them off. In an attempt to miss the big vehicle, the driver swerved
to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all
three friends died instantly.
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor
asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral?
I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any
of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so
I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role
model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
A Fitting Purchase
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a store.
Her arms were filled with a mop, a broom, and other cleaning supplies.
By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme
hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier
called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly,
"Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"
"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out
there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.
On A Plane
On a plane bound for New York a flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that
she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New
York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked
the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman,
asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again,
the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New
York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said
to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said,
"I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Why Do You Do That, Mom?
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face."Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
The Pool
Submitted by:
linguist2
ChiangRai,Thailand
A very wealthy entrepreneur named John retired to the countryside.
On one of his long walks, he passed a Mental Institution, and behind
the chain link fence, he saw the patients fighting ferociously with
each other.
Hailing a man standing close to the fence, John asked what was going
on. The man replied, "This happens every day; there's nothing else to
do." So John went to see the director and offered to install a swimming
pool at his expense.
The director was very happy with the offer and accepted immediately.
Ten days later, John received a phone call from the director, requesting
his presence the following day for the grand opening. Pleased, John accepted.
He than decided to take a stroll out to the Institution to see how well
the pool had been built.
As he approached the fence, he heard laughing and exited voices. A few
yards later, he had a full view of a beautiful pool, complete with high
tower diving boards, for which the patients were lining up to do cannonballs
and swan dives. Calling the same man at the fence, John said, "You guys like
this, huh? I see no more fighting, isn't this fun?"
The man replied, "Sure is, Mister, but tomorrow it’ll be even more fun
when they put the water in it."
Herbal Medications: Progressing With Time?
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
Actual Employee Evaluations
The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and shows signs of starting to dig.
* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid
curiosity.
* I would not allow this man to breed.
* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definitely won't be.
* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap.
* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* This man has delusions of adequacy.
* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve
them.
* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.
* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.
* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds
it together.
* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
* Bright as Alaska in December.
* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.
* Fell out of his family tree.
* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.
* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.
* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Kids' Test Papers
These are from test papers and essays submitted by kids:
* "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe,
you expire."
* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and
caterpillars."
* "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
* "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."
* "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow
instead of the bull."
* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and
makes them perspire."
* "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
* "The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the
abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there
are five -- a, e, i, o, and u."
* "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."
* "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something
to hitch meat to."
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
* "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
* "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
* "Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
* "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
* "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
* "For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration."
* "For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead, or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."
* "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
* "To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
Hi-Tech Guy Walks Into A Bar
Submitted by:
Jodi
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like
there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his
cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and
tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any
trouble here.
The guy replies, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone
installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."
The bartender says, "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his
hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a
conversation.
"That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!"
"Yeah", says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to
the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by, and he doesn't
return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into
the men's room to check on the guy.
The guy is spread-eagle up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he
has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender.
"Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"
The guy turns and says, "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
The Loving Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.
If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.
And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.
If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
The Carjacking
Submitted by:
Leeara
Ontario
An elderly woman did her shopping and, upon returning
to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with
her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags, drew her
handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at the top of
her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get
out of the car, you scumbags!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got
out and ran like mad. The woman, somewhat shaken, proceeded
to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and get into
the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her
key into the ignition. She tried and tried, to no avail.
And then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she
found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant, to whom she told the story, nearly tore himself
in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter,
where four pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly
woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly
white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
I Need A Doctor
It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy
intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman
rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man
emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right
Honey, I've had a course in first aid."
The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared
to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the
shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm
already here."
Who's Smarter?
Submitted by:
balak
chennai
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant
you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That’s okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock
to him."
The woman replied, " That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful
woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the
most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world, and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, " That’s okay because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine." So, KAZAM she became the richest woman in the world!
The frog asked her what she would like for her third wish. She said,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."
"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got
out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'.,
"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three
days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
About Cats & Dogs
Submitted by:
Phylis M
What is a cat?
- Cats do what they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They are totally unpredictable.
- When you want to play, they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They are moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.
What is a dog?
- Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable
piece of furniture in the house.
- They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but they don't hear you when you are in the same room.
- They growl when they are not happy.
- When you want to play, they want to play.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They are great at begging.
- They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
- They leave their toys everywhere.
- They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
The Competition
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were competing in the English Channel Breast Stroke Competition. The redhead won, and the brunette came in second.
However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by, causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived.
The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."
"Hey! Wanna Hear a Blonde Joke?"
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." "The bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blond with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 pounds, and he's a blond weight lifter." He continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 pounds, and he's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Signs of Irony...
Maternity Clothes Shop:
We Are Open On Labor Day
Non-smoking area:
If We See You Smoking, We Will Assume You Are
On Fire And Take Appropriate Action
On Maternity Room Door:
Push,Push,Push
Optometrist's Office:
If You Don't See What You're Looking For,
You've Come To The Right Place
Scientist's Door:
Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window:
We Really Know Our Stuff
Podiatrist's Window:
Time Wounds All Heels
Butcher's Window:
Let Me Meat Your Needs
Car Dealership:
The Best Way To Get Back On Your Feet -
Miss a Car Payment
Muffler Shop:
No Appointment Necessary. We'll Hear You Coming
Hotel:
Help! We Need Inn - Experienced People
Veterinarian's Waiting Room:
Be Back In 5 Minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door:
Out Chopin
At the Electric Company:
We Would Be Delighted If You Send In Your Bill.
However, If You Don't, You Will Be.
Garbage Truck:
We've Got What It Takes To Take What You've Got
Computer Store:
Out For a Quick Byte
Restaurant Window:
Don't Stand There and Be Hungry,
Come In And Get Fed Up
Bowling Alley:
Please Be Quiet. We Need To Hear A Pin Drop.
Music Library:
Bach In A Minuet
Words To Live By
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack,
or heads will roll!
Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV,
why does it make me feel so much smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing
rubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child,
but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank.
It's too little to go by itself.
We're lucky to have C-SPAN.
Not many countries can watch their government in action.
I must be following my diet too closely.
I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline.
If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours,
please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by,
I just keep to the posted speed limit.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes,
why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Short Orders
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde walk into a bar. For the
sake of brevity, each one orders her drink with an abbreviated
code word. The brunette walks up to the bartender and says,
"Hey give me an ML." The bartender nods his head and hands
her a Miller Lite.
Following her, the redhead walks up to the bartender and says,
"I'd like a BL." Giving her a nod, the bartender pulls up a
Bud Lite.
Last, the blonde walks up to the bartender and says, "Give me
a Fifteen."
"A Fifteen?" the bartender replies, "What the hell is that?"
"Oh, you know," the blonde says, "A Seven and Seven."
A Texan in Ireland
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to
the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of
drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here
who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up
and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" he asks.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints
of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint
glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street
to see if I could do it first."
The Earring
Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker,
Joe, is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a
normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden
change in "fashion sense."
"Hey Joe," he yells out, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal out of it. It's only an earring,"
says Joe sheepishly.
"No, really," probes Morris, "How long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
Stay Calm
A woman in a supermarket pushed a grocery cart with a
screaming baby in it. As she moved up and down the aisles,
she kept murmuring, "Stay calm, Rachel. Don't cry, Rachel.
Don't scream, Rachel."
Another woman watched in admiration and then remarked,
"You certainly have a lot of patience with little Rachel."
"What do you mean?" snapped the woman. "I'm Rachel!"
A Bad Day
There's a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy,
and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man,
I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't
stand seeing a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires
me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and
when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.
The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there,
I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to
this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my poison..."
But Why?
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged,
balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love"
stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then
takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out
1,000 I Love You cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
For 16 Years
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman,
with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher
with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it.
Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager
who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said,
"I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell
your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free
meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said,
"Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread,
free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the
expression on HIS face!"
Following In His Footsteps
On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the
car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow
in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?"
He Doesn't Speak
Submitted by:
kate
newark,nj
A man and woman got married and had a little boy who was very healthy,
but as he got older his parents noticed that he never spoke.
This concerned his parents greatly. They took their son to several
doctors who ran series of tests and told them that the boy was perfectly
healthy but would probably never speak.
Resigned, the parent took their son home and did everything in their power
to keep him happy. One night seven years later while eating dinner, the
little boy looked up from his plate and said in a clear voice, "These peas are
cold."
Overjoyed, his parents celebrated and hugged and kissed him. "Oh," they said.
"We’re so happy. We thought you couldn't speak. Why haven't you spoken until
now?"
The boy looked at his parents and said, "Well up until these peas,
everything’s been fine."
Big Trouble
Submitted by:
Raven
Piscadera Bay, Curaçao
A couple had two little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous.
They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any
mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The
clergyman agreed but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her
8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in
the afternoon.
The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and
asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with
his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in
an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer.
So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's
face
and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his
closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the
closet, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this
time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
Rules For Surviving A Horror Movie
Submitted by:
OXanimalOX
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see
if it's really dead.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
4. Never accept invitations from strangers, especially individuals who
inexplicably live in isolated areas and have no contact with society.
5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for the cause of a noise and find out that it's
not just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
8. No sex, beer or partying! Any of these activities will surely seal
your fate.
9. If you find a town that is deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the
hint and stay away.
10. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know
what you're doing.
11. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog, the Bermuda Triangle,
or any small town in Maine.
12. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking
house to phone for help.
13. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge
trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches,
soldering
irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
Actual Statements Found In Insurance Forms
The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where
car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words.
1. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't
have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
3. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head
through it.
4. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
5. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
6. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and
headed over the embankment.
7. I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.
8. I had been shopping for plants all day, and was on my way home. As I reached
the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other
car.
9. I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an
accident.
10. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint
gave way, causing me to have an accident.
11. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
12. An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
13. I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that
I had a fractured skull.
14. An indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big
mouth.
15. I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by
some stray dogs.
16. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
way when
it struck my front end.
Johnny Said
Submitted by:
baby
Johnny’s mom was out of town for a week. When she got home, Johnny
greeted her and said, "You know, two days ago, Mrs. Brown came to
visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy
brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs
to the bedroom, and then they... "
"Stop, Johnny, wait until your father gets home, and then repeat your
story," his mother said.
When the father came home, Johnny started again, "Two days ago, Mrs. Brown
came to visit. She and Daddy had a candlelight dinner together, then Daddy
brought some champagne and they had a drink, and then they went upstairs to
the bedroom, and then they... "
"Then they WHAT, Johnny?" his mother asked, hurt and angry.
"And then they started doing the same thing you and Mr. Smith always do
when Dad’s out of town."
The Bungee Jumper
Submitted by:
Kate
Wisconsin
One day two guys were bungee jumping and the first guy says,
"Hey, we could make a lot of money down in Mexico doing this."
The second guy says, "Sure, why not?" So they got everything they
needed: a tower, a rope, insurance, and so on. After that they went
down there. The crowd starts to grow as they set up their stuff.
After they're done, the crowd has gotten bigger.
The first guy decides to give it a try. After he jumps, the second
guy notices that he has a few cuts and bruises. He couldn't catch
him, so the first guy goes down again. The second time he comes up
the other guy sees that he has a few broken limbs and is almost unconscious.
This time he is able to pull him up and asks him, "What the heck
happened to you?"
The first guy says, "I'm fine, but what the heck is a Piñata?"
Why Did...?
Submitted by:
Sk8 freak
Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.
The Car
Submitted by:
beth
Brownstown,IN
A blonde and a brunette were talking, and the blonde was
very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter.
The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to
sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000
miles on it.
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you
sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it’s illegal."
The blonde said, " I'll do anything." So the brunette gave the
blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer
on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed
paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car
yet.
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!"
Fifty-Fifty
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch
at a fast food restaurant. He noticed that they ordered
only one meal and an extra drinkcup. As he watched, the
gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then
counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each
had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup
and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat,
and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase
another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and
everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and
she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
What Do You Want?
John asked his wife, Mary, what she wanted to celebrate their
40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asked.
"Not really," said Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" said John.
"No," she responded.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggested.
She again rejected his offer. "Well what would you like for our
anniversary?" John asked.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answered Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," said John.
Booze Party
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take
it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in
the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a
smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
The Gift
Submitted by:
Tonya_Alisha
Michigan
A teacher was retiring after 30 years of teaching, so each child
decided they wanted to bring her a special retirement present. A
little girl who was the daughter of a fine chocolate dealer brought
her a box full of fine chocolates.
A little boy who was the son of a florist brought her a big bouquet
of flowers. Another little boy who was the son of a fine liquor dealer
brought her a big box that was sealed, and it had something leaking
from the bottom of the box. The teacher said, "I bet I know what this is!"
She tasted some of the juices that were leaking from the box and said,
"I bet this is some wine!"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She tasted it again and said "Liquor?"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She tasted it again and said, "Beer?"
The little boy said, "Nope!"
She said, "Well what is it?"
The little boy said, "A puppy!"
Jokes
My Girl Lorraine
Submitted By:
Kissa
A guy was dating a girl named Lorraine. He knew that Lorraine was the ONE. She had all the qualities that he wanted in a woman. She was smart, funny, and beautiful. Then one day in the video store, he met a girl named Clearly. Now Clearly was beautiful, funny, smart, and knew all the best places in town. But the guy didn't want to stop dating Lorraine, for he could be missing out on something good. So he kept on dating Lorraine. Then one day, the guy and Lorraine were walking along a river bank, his mind on Clearly, when Lorraine slipped into the river. While he watched her float away, he sang, "I can see Clearly now Lorraine is gone."
Beware of Dog
Submitted By:
Peter
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger! Beware of Dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hounddog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner replied, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Twin Boys
Submitted By:
hankinstein
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, and I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimistic twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
The Baby
Submitted By:
rockmister
John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."
John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "Who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," he said.
Now Back To The Jokes
Sam and Becky
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, Darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
Highway Patrolman A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!" "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
From Reader's Digest Laugh Lines:
Chapter Eleven "The job notice posted at the Memphis State University placement office advertised for someone to set up a bookkeeping system for a local dinner theater that was filing for bankruptcy. When an eager first-year accounting student inquired, the interviewer told him that the company needed an advanced student capable of handling Chapter 11 proceedings. ""I'm sure I could do it," "the student proclaimed confidently." "My class is already up to chapter fourteen."
Little Timmy Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."
From Reader's Digest Laugh Lines:
Frat Bro A FRIEND WAS WAITING for a fraternity brother who was dropping his girlfriend off at her dorm. It was curfew, and the housemother flicked the porch light on and off to hasten their good-by's. Getting no results, she marched out to the porch, where the couple was locked in a heated embrace, and tapped the young man on the shoulder. "Sorry, lady," he said, briefly looking up. "You'll just have to wait in line like everyone else."
Anagram Fun Someone out there either has far too much time to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble. Wait till you see
the last one! Dormitory
When you rearrange the letters:
Dirty Room Evangelist
When you rearrange the letters:
Evil's Agent Desperation
When you rearrange the letters:
A Rope Ends It The Morse Code
When you rearrange the letters:
Here Come Dots Slot Machines
When you rearrange the letters:
Cash Lost in 'em Animosity
When you rearrange the letters:
Is No Amity Mother-in-law
When you rearrange the letters:
Woman Hitler Snooze Alarms
When you rearrange the letters:
Alas! No More Z's A Decimal Point
When you rearrange the letters:
I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes
When you rearrange the letters:
That Queer Shake Eleven plus two
When you rearrange the letters:
Twelve plus one And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over
and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS! Top Ten Organized Crime
Money Savings Tips
10. When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.
9. Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.
8. Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap hit-men.
7. Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.
6. When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.
5. Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.
4. Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Knuckles."
3. Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.
2. Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"
1. Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.
Viking Settlement
Two neighboring farmers cannot stop feuding. One, out hunting, shoots a duck which falls inside the other's field. Climbing over the fence, he is stopped by farmer #2 who claims the duck as his since it ended up in his field. After much arguing farmer #2 states that he is prepared to settle the matter by the Viking method.
He explains that the method involves kicking each other in turn between the legs until one gives up, and the other is the winner. Farmer #1 agrees reluctantly. Farmer #2 states that since they are on his land, he goes first.
Farmer #1 stands with legs apart and hands on hips while Farmer #2 takes an almighty swing with his foot and sends farmer #1 into the air.
After ten minutes writhing on the ground farmer #1 eventually gets to his feet and prepares to take his turn.
Farmer #2 turns and walks away saying " O.K. I give in! You keep the duck!"
Let's Pretend . . .
Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
The Miltary
Submitted By:
JD
One night in a bar, sits a marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral. Each of them is claiming how brave their soldiers are. So they decide to have a test and see who has the bravest soldiers. The marine general goes first, so they all go the marine base, and the general calls out a private.
"Yes, Sir," says the private. The general says, "You see that tank out there. I want you to run at it, and don't turn back." He gets killed, and the marine general says, "My soldiers are the bravest."
The army general interjects and says, "No, no, no, my soldiers are the bravest." So they then go to the army base. The army general calls out a private. "Private!" "Yes, Sir." "You see that firing squad out there. I want you to run at it, and don't come back." He gets shot and killed, and the army general says, "My soldiers are the bravest."
The navy admiral interjects and says, "No, no, no, my soldiers are the bravest." So they then get on a navy ship. The admiral calls up to the guy in the Crow's Nest. He says, "Private." "Yes, Sir." "Jump." "Screw You!!!" "My soldiers are the bravest," exclaims the admiral.
Blonde Repair Kit
Submitted By:
Randy
Josh was helping Sally, a blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.
She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."
Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"
Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."
Drunk Fighter
Submitted By:
Dee
A very drunk patron at a bar is trying to impress everyone with his fighting ability. "I am trained in every hand-to-hand combat there is," he says.
To further prove his point, he walks up to a man sitting at the bar and hits him behind the neck! "Karate chop from China," he says.
The poor man gets off the floor and sits in his seat, saying nothing.
The big man hits him again. "Judo from Japan."
The man once again picks himself up off the floor and continues sipping his drink.
The man walks up to him and hits him again. "That's a nerve pinch from Korea."
After a few minutes, the man is able to move again. Instead of getting back on his bar stool he walks out. Ten minutes later he walks in with a large board in his hands and hits the drunk with the board.
The man looks down at his tormenter and says, "Two-by-four from Sears."
Seeing Eye Pilot
Submitted By:
Angel28
Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start.
The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
Be Happy With Your Name
Cheap Boyfriend
Submitted By:
Tim334
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00. "That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle. "What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
Help Me!
Country Humor
Submitted By:
whiskieP-19
What do you get if you play a country music song backwards?
You get your wife, dog, truck, and job back.
All Change Here!
Submitted By:
Paul P
A boy and his father, who were visiting from a third world country, were at a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. (elevator doors)
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Quick, go get your mother!"
Nervous Flight?
Submitted By:
Mikey
A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind, and soon they were in the air but flying erratically.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes." "Why?" asked the nervous pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean eh.. you're not the flight instructor...?"
The World's Easiest Quiz...Not
Submitted By:
Franky
(Answers at the bottom.)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
Answers To The Quiz Below:
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2) Ecuador.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
9) New Zealand.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
Look What I Found
Submitted By:
Freddy
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."
Submitted By:
Joey
Missed Communication
Submitted By:
May
Two guys were sitting at a restaurant talking. The first guy looks at his friend and says, "You know, a funny thing happened to me today at the bus station. I saw this beautiful blonde behind the counter, and instead of saying, 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh,' I said, 'I'd like a picket to breastburgh.' Then she slapped me right across the face."
His friend chuckled and said, "Something similar happened to me. I was sitting having dinner with my wife. During the meal I meant to say, 'Could you pass the peas,' but what I ended up saying was, 'I should have never married you, you ugly slob!'"
Submitted By:
Rachel
Great Son!
Submitted By:
Tony
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before
you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Call In The Bomb Squad
Submitted By:
Rachel
Give Me The News, Doc...
Submitted By:
Betty B
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
Shopping At The SuperMarket
Submitted By:
Rob
A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
--------------------
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner
The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single,huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."
This Will Ruin His Weekend
Submitted By:
Q
Quick One Liners
Submitted By:
BooMan
Q: What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A: Bring me three beers and a mop!
Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?
A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.
Q: What time was the Vampire's dentist appointment?
A: Tooth-Hurty (2:30)
The Gore Halloween Party
Submitted By:
GW
The Gore Halloween Party Al Gore and his wife, Tipper, were invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. His wife got a terrible headache and told Al to go to the party alone. Al, being a devoted husband, protested, but his wife argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So Al took his costume and away he went.
His wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Since Al did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching Al to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted Al cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, Al left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let Al go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally Al whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation Al would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when Al came in and asked what kind of a time he had. Al said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
Al replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Larry Flint, Janet Reno, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... I loaned my costume to Bill and he told me he had a great time!"
Can Someone Explain This?<HEALTH>
Submitted By:
Rachel
Top Ten Things Men Shouldn't Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret
Submitted By:
Johnny The Bull
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No Thanks. Just Sniffing..
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that. And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret:
1. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
UFO
Submitted By:
Eddy V
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by
a gas station on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station
attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?"
he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded,
"It stands for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
What A Pretty Necklace
Submitted By:
May
A tourist was admiring a tribal necklace at a
roadside gift shop.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that alligator's teeth mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
