Jokes: Vol 3
If Women Ruled the World...
- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
- Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
- Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out
men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch"
simply because he is breathing.
- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal
weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
- Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
- "Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue
featuring scantily clad male models.
- Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing
foods within two hours of bedtime.
- Men would be secretaries for female bosses,
working twice as hard for none of the credit.
- Little girls would read "Snow White and the
Seven Hunks."
- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women
watching soap operas.
- Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles,
because there would be no pictures.
- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," "
I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you
don't look fat in that outfit."
- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women
by their accomplishments.
- Men would pay as much attention to their woman as
to their car.
- All toilet seats would be nailed down.
- Men would work on relationships as much as they
work on their careers.
- TV news segments on sports would never run longer
than 1 minute.
- All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator.
- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women
would date 19-year-olds.
- Overweight men would have their weight brought to
their attention constantly.
- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity
leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
- For basic training, soldiers would have to take
care of a two-year old for six weeks.
Wishful Thinking
A wife went to the police station with her
next-door neighbor to report that her husband
was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark
eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs
185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the
children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is
5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is
mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
The Brilliance of Humanity
A man and his wife arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick uptheir car, but were told that the keys had
been accidentally locked in it. They went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the driver's side door. As they watched from the
passenger's side, the guy instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," the man announced
to the technician, "It's open!"
"I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side."
The Consumer
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on
a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the
sales clerk.
"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look
at the shoes and at the man's feet.
"Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.
"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."
The Flood
A man comes home in the middle of the day and finds
his young wife standing in the middle of their deluxe
apartment wearing a red G-string, 7 inch steel heels,
and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.
Just then a naked guy floats by. "Who's that?" demands
the husband.
"I dunno, must be a life guard."
A Little Hair Growth
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit
after the doctor had prescribed testosterone
(a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have
really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me
too much. I've started growing hair in places that
I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth
is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.
Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
The Arrest
When John got arrested, he was told, "Anything
you say will be held against you."
John responded, "Pamela Anderson."
- Dormitory = Dirty Room
- Desperation = A Rope Ends It
- The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
- Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
- Animosity = Is No Amity
- Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
- Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
- Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
- Semolina = Is No Meal
- The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
- A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
- Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
- Contradiction = Accord not in it
From Shakespeare's Hamlet:
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
Becomes:
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Politicians:
- George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog
- George Bush = He bugs Gore
- Ronald Reagan = A darn long era
- Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer
And the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
(Neil A. Armstrong)
Becomes:
A thin man ran, makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!
You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...
- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is,
they high-five each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to
sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a
"Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his
Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack
Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink
a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the
defense table.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those
little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the
judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He begins closing arguments with, "As
Ally McBeal once said..."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge
is the one with the little hammer, right?"
Two Horses
Two blondes went to the market. While they
were there, they each bought a horse. When
they got home, they discussed how to tell
their horses apart. They decided to cut the
tail off of one. That worked for a while, but
soon the tail grew back, so they decided that
they would break one of the horses' legs.
One of the blondes said, "Which of the horses
should we break the leg off of, the brown one
or the white one?"
A Long Flight
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City
to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and
gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There
is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take
an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have
three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One
more engine has failed and the flight will take
an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we
can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more
engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed
another three hours. But don't worry ... we still
have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the
next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine,
we'll be up here all day!"
The Potato
Submitted by:
archibald_bumfretter
One day, two friends were on the beach. The smaller
of the two was in awe about how many women his friend
was attracting. "William," he said, "How do attract so
many women and I so few?"
"Well Patrick," the other said, "go home and put a
potato in your pants and that will drive the women
wild."
The next day, they came back to the beach. William was
still attracting all of the women, but much to Patrick’s
surprise, all of the women were avoiding him more than usual.
"William," Patrick said, "I've gone home and found the biggest
potato I could, put it in my pants, and now all of the women
are running away. What did I do wrong?"
William looked him over and said, "Patrick, have you
considered putting that potato in the front of your pants?"
Dead Give-Away
A man was out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday night. Before too long, a cop pulled him over.
The policeman walked up to the man and asked, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"
"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?"
"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly.
It was the really ugly girl in the passenger seat that gave
you away."
The Wedding Night
Submitted by:
Buddy
Rockland Maine
Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were
getting married and planned on living with
Marie's mother until they could establish a
place of their own. On their wedding night,
they went upstairs and were getting ready for
bed.
Mario started to get undressed, taking off his
shirt first, and he had hair all over his chest.
Marie ran downstairs and told her mother. "Momma!!
Momma!! He’s got hair all over his chest!"
Her mother replied, "Marie, you go upstairs and
make your momma proud." So Marie ran upstairs and
found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely
hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps
to tell her mother.
"Momma, he’s got hair all over his legs."
"Marie, you go upstairs and make your Momma proud."
Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting
on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had
lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look,
ran downstairs, and said, "Momma, Momma, he’s only got
a foot and a half!"
At this, Momma yelled, "Marie, you wait here.
I'm gonna go upstairs!"
Dinosaur Bones
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural
History were marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years,
and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were
three million years old when I started working here,
and that was four and a half years ago."
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies.
- It is always possible to park directly outside
any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has
been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street,
everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any invading
alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered
in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies
will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you
have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow
to the head, they will never suffer a concussion
or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go
into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality
tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a
partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak
English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper
clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur
will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that
affects you personally at that precise moment you turn
the television on.
10 Characteristics of The Company Car...
- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
- Has a much shorter braking distance than
the private car.
- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of
private cars.
- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires
never have to be checked.
- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the
oil warning light flashing.
- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the
weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other
building material.
- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio.
- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere,
unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques
and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
The Slide
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces
away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding
down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite
unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware
that John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but
I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no.
He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."
The Invitation
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said
to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper
tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess,
I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper
tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about
getting married."
Two Cows
Two cows were looking over a gate.
One said to the other, "What do you think
about this mad cow disease?"
The other cow looked over and replied,
"Why should I care? I'm a helicopter."
Which One?
A young man was in love with two women and
could not decide which of them to marry.
Finally he went to a marriage counselor.
When asked to describe his two loves, he noted
that one was a great poet and the other made
delicious pancakes.
"Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem
is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter
or verse."
Creative Ways To Cope With Stress
- Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and
sneeze them out. See how many you can do at
a time.
- Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
- When someone says, "Have a nice day," say you
have other plans.
- Dance naked in front of your pets.
- Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and
launch them from high places.
- Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw
underwear on the natives.
- Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
- Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return
it the next day.
- Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the
fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
- Read the dictionary backwards and look for
subliminal messages.
- Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
- Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and
put it back in the wrapper.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Stare at people through the tines of a fork and
pretend they’re in jail.
- Braid the hairs in each nostril.
- Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it
when it comes back to you.
- Pay your electric bill in pennies.
- Drive to work in reverse.
- Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
- Polish your car with earwax.
Why English is a Pain to Learn
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the
present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
- The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
- There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
- They were too close to the door to close it.
- The buck does funny things when the does are present.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
- The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
- After a number of injections my jaw got number.
- Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
- I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
- How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
The Foursome
Four men were out golfing.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,"
one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said
one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them
too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest
and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up
and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side
of the grass!"
The Rookie
A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser
with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's
radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd
standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off
the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get
off the corner!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting
puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official
act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked,
"Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good," replied the veteran, "especially since this
was a bus stop."
The Court Trial
A woman was being questioned in a court trial
involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous
statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,"
instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any
respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to
the judge."’
Q & A
Q: What is six inches long, has a bald head, and
drives women crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.
The Psychiatrist's Diagnosis
A woman went to a psychiatrist because she was having
severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist
asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting
a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do
you ever watch your husband's face while you are having
sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"And how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting,
we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you
have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems
somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that
one time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
The Rude Student
A pre-med student had to take a difficult class in physics.
One day, the professor was discussing a particularly complicated
concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have
to learn this stuff?"
"To save lives," the professor responded quickly and continued
the lecture.
A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how
does physics save lives?" he persisted.
"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the
professor.
The Angry Clergyman
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees
a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a
cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my
son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment,
and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't
like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is
entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be
upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your
father must be a real tyrant. Tell me where I can find him,
and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."
The Unscrupulous Businessman
An unscrupulous businessman was feeling very ill and
went to the doctor. The doctor examined him and backed
away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have
an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must
have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be
fatal."
"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.
"Do you want to write your will?"
"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."
What NOT To Say To a Police Officer...
Submitted by:
David S-P
Melbourne Australia
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector
wasn't plugged in.
- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up
with me. Good job!
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just
so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know
there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead
of me they are.
- When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look
red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't
respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have
you been eating doughnuts?"
- I pay your salary!
- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only
gave me a warning, too!
You Know You're Getting Older When...
Submitted by:
grace
Greenock, Scotland, UK
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in
your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle,
pop and you're not eating cereal.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.
- You wake up looking like your driver's
license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- You're on vacation, and your energy runs out
before your money does.
- You say something to your kids that your mother
said to you, and you always hated it.
- You look for your glasses for half an hour,
and they were on your head the whole time.
- You sink your teeth into a steak - and they
stay there.
- All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded
of your age.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
- Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
- The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
- Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
- It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
- Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
- You give up all your bad habits and still don't
feel good.
- You have more patience, but it is actually that you
just don't care anymore.
The Amish Automobile
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse
and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am,
I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue
you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your
buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I
get home."
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the
way that one rein loops across the horse's back and
around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse.
That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care
of that right away!"
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband
about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what
exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the Amish lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked the husband.
The wife replied, "I'm not sure, Jacob . . . Something about
the emergency brake."
The Interviews
There was a man who was in a horrible accident and was injured.
The only permanent damage he suffered, though, was the amputation
of both of his ears. As a result of this unusual condition, he
was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from
the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own
business. He decided with all this money he had, he now had the
means to own a business.
So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he
decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy.
His last question for this first candidate was, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"
The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man
got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate
was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the
man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual
about me?"
This guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really
upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better
than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he
wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice
anything unusual about me?"
The guy replied, "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses."
Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you!
How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "Well, You
can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"
The Final Exam
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic
Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms
and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with
some friends there.
They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor
after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that
they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to
study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't
have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they
missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final
the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night
and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed
them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them
to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple
about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one
in his separate room, "this is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page
was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
The Bitter Soldier
The soldier serving in eastern Asia was annoyed and upset when his girl
sent him a "Dear John" letter, breaking off their engagement and asking
for her photograph back.
The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted
photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together
and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Regret cannot remember
which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."
What to Wear with the IRS
A man who was called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear
a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear
your most sexy negligee, with a v-neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem
with the IRS?"
The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear, you are going to
get screwed."
Two Irish Friends
Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub drinking
a few beers.
So, Thomas O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam, me buddy,
me ol' pal. When I die would you please pour a couple of
beers o'er me grave?"
Liam said, "Why certainly, but could I pour it through
me bladder first?"
The Storks
Once upon a time there was a family of storks: Papa Stork,
Mama Stork, and Baby Stork. One evening, Papa wasn't at dinner.
Mama left food out for him, but he didn't come home at all that night.
When he finally did come home the next day, Baby Stork asked,
"Papa, where were you all night, last night?"
Papa replied, "Out making a young couple very happy."
Several weeks later, Mama Stork was late for dinner.
Papa and Baby waited for a long while, then gave up and ordered pizza.
Mama stork didn't make it home till late the next morning.
When she tiredly sank into her favorite chair, Baby asked her,
"Mama, where were you all last night?"
"I was out making a young couple very happy," she sighed.
Later that autumn, Baby was late for dinner. Papa and Mama were
very concerned. Their anxiety increased when Baby still wasn't
home by sunset. They waited up late together for Baby, but he didn't
arrive home until early morning.
Papa was angry. "Just where in the hell were you all night, Baby Stork?"
"Out scaring the s**t out of college students," Baby Stork giggled.
The Early Riser
A visitor to a bed-and-breakfast inn in the country awoke
early one morning to find the farmer and his family still asleep.
Slightly irritated at not having his breakfast even begun yet,
he took a glass and went out to the barn to try his hand at milking
the cow himself.
Later on his way back into the house, he met the farmer and his
wife who had just come downstairs to begin the day's work. "What
cha doin' out in my barn, fella?" the farmer demanded.
The visitor replied, "Well, I woke up at 8 o'clock and you were still
asleep, and breakfast wasn't ready, so I thought I would go out and
milk the cow myself. It took longer than I thought it would, but after
a few minutes she finally filled the glass all at one time."
He then took a long drink from his glass and asked, "Say, what kind
of cow is that, anyway?"
"We don't have a cow, son." the farmer replied. "We have a bull."
The Bridge Club
Audrey Greyson was a busy housewife with a demanding husband,
six children and a large house. The only relief Audrey got from
her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen
other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was
that Audrey loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't
want to hear them.
To teach Audrey a lesson, the other women decided that the next
time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out,
and meet at another home but without Audrey.
Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, Audrey started,
"You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of
prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find
up in Alaska, and they say..." Just then, the women all stood up
and started for the door.
Audrey was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood
what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's
plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"
A Long Night
A drunk phoned the local police department to report
that thieves had been in his car. "They have stolen the
dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the a
ccelerator," he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start,
the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came
over the line.
"Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup. "I got
in the back seat by mistake."
Peanuts
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender
gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great
tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave
is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You
BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly
as your mother."
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender
for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary,
but the cigarette machine is out of order."
The Amazing Dog
A large dog walks into a butcher shop, carrying a purse in its mouth.
He puts the purse down and sits in front of the meat case.
"What is it, boy?" the butcher jokingly asks. "Want to buy some meat?"
"Woof!" barks the dog.
"Hmm," says the butcher. "What kind? Liver, bacon, steak..."
"Woof!" interrupts the dog.
"And how much steak? Half a pound, one pound..."
"Woof!" signals the dog.
The amazed butcher wraps up the meat and finds the money in the dog's purse.
As the dog leaves, the butcher decides to follow. The dog enters an apartment
house, climbs to the third floor, and begins scratching at a door. With that,
the door swings open and an angry man starts shouting at the dog.
"Stop!" yells the butcher. "He's the most intelligent animal I've ever seen!"
"Intelligent?" counters the man. "This is the third time this week he's
forgotten his key!"
An Act of Kindness
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and
an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing
the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a
good week and the dejected couple looking in the window
gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension
you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a
fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets
and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly
accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to
thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share
the room with?"
The Telegram
A German Shepherd went to a Western Union telegram office,
took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There
are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the
same price."
"But," the dog replied, "That would make no sense at all."
The Blonde Pilot
A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn
to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the
owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo
by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the
basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I
love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the
hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was
becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet,
and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about
half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything
was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold.
I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."
Satan's Lawyer
A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime
lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder,
kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him
by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I
believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"
The Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting
salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company
car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The Chili
A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of
the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order,
he says, "I'll take the cold chili."
"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says
the waitress.
"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."
After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got
the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and
the chili bowl is still full.
He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other man replies, "No."
"Would you sell it to me?"
"You can have it for free if you want it."
So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he
gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in
the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.
The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I
got, too."
The Diagnosis
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body
and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, and demands a
second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat,
and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,
walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally
looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that
your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings
in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail,
and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your
dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how
much he owes.
The vet answers, "$550."
"$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50
for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan
and lab tests."
The Irishman
A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin on St.
Patty's Day and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
The Frog
This really really old guy is walking on the beach one day.
He hears a little teenie tiny voice calling out "Hey
Mister ... pssst ... come here."
He looks around and sees a little tiny frog under a palm tree.
He picks it up and it says "Hey Mister ... if you kiss me,
I'll turn into a beautiful young woman and your wishes will
be my commands forever."
He takes the frog, puts it in his pocket, and starts to walk
back toward home.
The frog says "Hey, what are ya doing? Don't ya want to kiss me?"
The old man says, "No ... to tell you the truth, at my age, a
talking frog is worth a whole lot more to me."
The Mourner
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to
be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain
is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so
deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."
Top 10 Things in Law that Sound Dirty But Aren't
1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He's one hard judge!
3. Counselor, let's do it in chambers!
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute!
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on
7. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could!
10. Think you can get me off
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams
given by the California Department of Transportation's driving
school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick-up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
"Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Get an UNSECURED VISA & MASTERCARD With Up To $1,000 Credit Limits
and no security deposit!
EASY TO GET! A Great Way to Establish or Reestablish
Your Credit! Their approval rate is among the highest
in the industry. If you do not get approved for this card;
you may not get approved anywhere else.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could
no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and
a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Three Engineers
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was
a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A Fable
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to
town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went
along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for
the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided
that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real
shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided
that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to
walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe
the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put
such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided
that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he
fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will
eventually lose your ass.
What's in a Name
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked
her what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said,
"Honey I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's
office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's
office and he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said,
"Happy Butt."
The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out
once and for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little
girl and said, "Honey, your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt."
The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt" what's the difference?
Last Wishes
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin and were tall, while the youngest
son had black hair, dark eyes and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when
he turned to his wife and said, ''Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me -- is our youngest son my child?''
The wife replied, ''I swear on everything that is holy that he is your son.''
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, ''Thank God he
didn't ask about the other three.''
The Swimming Race
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms,
the second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is
closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still
see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better
dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the
surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts
coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years
I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before
the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."
Career Aspirations
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to
his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when
I grow up."
"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide
to be a minister?"
"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
and I figure it will be much more fun to stand up and yell than
to sit still and listen."
The Physicist
There was this physicist who was in the habit of getting home
quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt,
lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like
a wreck. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to
know why he came home so late.
His replied, "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends
and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some
rather good-looking young women and started to drink to excess.
Things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up
enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home."
She screamed, "You liar! You were in the lab again, weren't you?"
McDonalds
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and
orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately
gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New
Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You
came here for the food!"
The Four Nuns
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local
Catholic Church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back
and forth for a few minutes. Finally, the priest agreed to let
them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as
soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me
what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.
Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the
priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest
asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated
movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies,
"You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves,
and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.
The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says,
"I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house,
and I hit a neighbor’s dog and killed it. "The priest looks up to heaven
for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy
water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing
quite audibly.
Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?"
She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest
looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives
you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.
The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks.
The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"
The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
The Looney Bin
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!"
Things You Would Never Know Without Movies --Part I
Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable,
even if the tenants are unemployed.
One of a pair of identical twins is evil.
Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.
It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched
their predecessors.
When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert
on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the
age of 22.
Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two
before retirement.
Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies
using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws
and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20
minutes to escape.
During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.
All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the
armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one
bunch of carrots with leafy tops.
It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.
If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving
or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run
and your lipstick will smear.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.
Corporate Decisions
There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at
least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees,
Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their
reactions help guide his decision.
So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he
didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of
the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'
And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a
headache!'
A Blonde's Diet
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a
diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you,
you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing
nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going
to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
A Jury Full of Lawyers
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and
the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving
under the influence, demanded a jury trial.
It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the
judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel
anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the
main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought
this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to
the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that
the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the
judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience
and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding
up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a
verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Twins
A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the
twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin
went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon
receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also
had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."
Shit Happens
I SAID SIT, SIT NOT @#$*
"How many times do I have to tell you, don't give the customers any crap!!"
---Dave Svezia
Jumbo, Keep your opinions to yourself! ---Jim Sizemore
How many times have I told you.....just because they give you shit....you
don't give it back!!!!!--Cheryl Soderberg
Why little Johnny hated to go to the circus--Heather Davis
Never try to tickle an elephants butt ---CPug
Johnny always was a little shit.--Daniel Kreigermeier
Years later, Bobby's therapist would never be able to understand why the site
of Babar made Bobby run and scream. --Christy
"I've told you a thousand times - Fertilizing them will not make
them grow any faster!"--SSmith
"Bessy I've told you... Never swallow them whole!"--Skellyclan
Just because I called him Shithead, that doesn't give you the right to
prove it!--Gail Rominger
No one took Johnny seriously when he said he had a crappy day.---Summer
"Just because they give you crap, doesn't mean you should return the
favor."--Benjamin Capps
No matter how hard he tried, Uncle Sam couldn't keep the Republicans'
mascot from giving the American people what it had plenty of-- shawgi silver
What to Do For A Cough
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman.
He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had
had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be
his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering
Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it
all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and
leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup.
I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost.
"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."
A Dying Wish
There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies
baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell
out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs
and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily
baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table
and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the
cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip
cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his
hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."
Survival Skills
At the site of the crash, one lone survivor sat with his back
against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto
a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank
God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"
The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the
pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had
eaten his comrades.
The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head
in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted.
"I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"
The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head
in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary
to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"
A Tough Golf Game
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not
arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game.
As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m.,
the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
"What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball,
drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "
Phrases to use at work or school
1. How about never? Is never good for you?
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. No, my powers can only be used for good.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
Things You Would Never Know Without Movies --Part II
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises
in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be
wearing when the car broke down.
If someone says, "I'll be right back." they won't.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel from time to time.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended
from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will
be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music
in your head.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
