Social Phobia

It's a natural behavior to be shy, if not loud what other harmless label is there to pin on someone who is exactly of that nature?  However, shyness can turn into unwanted anxiety causing an unhealthy life style, which we come to the words abnormal shyness. Abnormal shyness keeps someone from enjoying life for no necessary reason due to the intense avoidance, which is a behavior known as Social Phobia (SP) or Social Anxiety. Most people find SP later in life because they were labeled shy for all the times they avoided and the abnormal shyness is never questioned. It's fine to be shy just as long as it doesn't interfere with actually living a healthy active social life. But keep in mind that this social disorder can be easily disguised as that particular personality trait, which is why it is hardly noticed.
Unfortunately, it's a common scenario for people to diagnosis themselves as having it because most people think that their family doctor is only interested in their physical well being, not their social skills or social excursions. Even if the doctor is concern about the patient's social development it maybe embarrassing for the patient to bring this up because it sounds ridiculously minor to be afraid of people. Some people don't seek help because of the negative stigma attached to this disorder as being antisocial or living as a hermit. When people actually do seek help sometimes it is misunderstood as some trivial problem and assumed to be another disorder.
In my own experience of seeing physicians who didn't understand SP, and would called it something else because it was easier for them to fix than listen to me. There were many times that I've been misdiagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) because I worried too much and since my socially outgoing sister has GAD than it automatically means I must have it too. I've been told that if I had SP that I would be too scared to leave the house referring to what I assumed is Agoraphobia, which is a common stigma. What these experts misunderstand is that social phobics aren't afraid to leave the house or be alone by any means; it is that they avoid, not worry, not housebound but have this wall of avoidance when any social attention comes their way.
There is one haunting childhood memory that leads me to believe that social anxiety was an unknown presence early on. I remember childhood summer days when my older sister rode with neighborhood kids on their bicycles to adventures of fun, as I chosen to be in my room alone. My imagination was my playmate with toys and stories to fill the summer. It's a lingering oddity that can't be explain why I was more comfortable being alone on those carefree days of youthful interactions. I can't say social anxiety was an absolute apparent presence in my childhood because I was in so many social activities. There was baseball, dance, girl scouts, and even went to childhood slumber parties. In fact, most of those activities had me performing in front of an audience, which I was a fearless performer. I was still pretty active with sports and different school organizations throughout junior high too, even though depression was already there. However, I always felt out of place and anxious amongst my peers. I was the misunderstood shy one who was looked at by my peers as too stuck up or too good to give anyone the time of day.
On the other hand, it was during college when anxiety attacks and abnormal shyness became uncomfortably visible. In classes I would suddenly feel fatigue or get nervous twitches along with shaky hands during class participation. Of course, I blamed my fragility on my job thinking that it was work that made me tired. As a result, I avoided doing any actual hands on stuff of learning becoming an observer who felt alienated, which affected my grade by not participating in class.  I also avoid sitting with my peers because of the inevitability of talking about parties and dates that made me lie and ultimately left me feeling out of touch with them. So, I sat up front where the older adults sat, just to avoid my peers. When teamed up  individually with a peer I have difficulty engaging in conversation because of my limited social excursions. Normally, social phobics have problems in groups but it also can become a problem with certain individuals, such as authority figures or in my case my peers.
The anxiety was more apparent the last two years of a job I had gain a lot of respect in. Nevertheless, I was a workaholic with a built up of unnecessary worry about manager's approval on minor details and happenings there with colleagues when I wasn't working. It was then that I unknowingly obtain the main aspect of GAD that would cause a string of anxiety attacks along with two panic attacks that would ultimately have me seeking treatment for social phobia. During the time of my fret I also was avoiding my co-workers invitations and even particular conversations. When conversations came up about boyfriends or any social scene young people participated in, it made me want to hide inside, leading me to put up a front on the outside. Basically, I made it seem like I had experienced love and wild nights out with friends that were all imagery. It was easier to lie than tell the truth that I've never been on a date or even had friends resulting in every weekend at home. Social Phobics are fully aware of the effects of this behavior and deep down inside know what they are missing out on. So, when I didn't want to face the truth by lying, I would do it by avoiding. One way that I avoided was going out of my way from my normal routine just so I wouldn't bump into them. Other ways of avoidance was having shorter breaks, going home for lunch or having lunch inside my car. Also, I would act as if I was in hurry when it was time to punch out or would exaggerate the exhaustion of a simple day of work. At the time, I was completely unaware that what I was constructing was a main aspect of social phobia, a wall of intense avoidance. When people invited me to concerts I would feel this rush of anxious pressure scrambling in my mind for any believable excuse to escape with, as the ideal of having a good time was out of reach. The thought of a pleasurable time exists at the very beginning of the invite but quickly fades, and doesn't hit until it's another lonely night. There was always an excused that I had homework or suddenly had a headache. The negative thoughts behind the excuses are very hard for me to grasp but it's always the big crowd that crosses through my mind of fear. The smothering, suffocating, and basically out of place intense feeling of being there was all that's negative in my mind. Even if it's just hanging out with one person (no crowds to fear) I would turn them down out of fear that they would get too close and ask too much of me. I feel the urge to run away from the invitation asking why did he come up to me? I just want to disappear at that very moment to get out of that situation that he was asking me to be a part of. It's important to have those learning experiences through social interaction in order to bring out the best you can show to the world. The physical anxiety attacks would get worse as I became more withdrawn from my coworkers. Sometimes, my hands would suddenly turn heavy with numbness for a split second during work or I would experience sharp pressure on the nape of my neck for a brief moment. One time, I woke up with horrendous pain of stiffness when trying to get out of bed. I felt paralyzed from the shoulders on down with shooting pain running all over my body when just trying to move. I could barely walk to get a heating pad and had my mother call my work to let them know I was unable to come in that morning. I didn't realize until later that I had a full-blown muscle spasm; which anxiety triggers muscles aches to that extend if left unnoticed. Eventually, I became more forgetful along with doing things at a slower pace at work, which was possible due to my lack of sleep at night because of poor eating habits that may have triggered anxiety attacks. Obviously, coworkers noticed this but by then I was irritably on edge as I begin to really struggle in college. I blamed work for my struggles in college, as well as not having a social life. It was at this time where my Aunt Rhiann was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and had major surgery. At the hospital visit I suddenly felt an uncomfortable warmness come over me along with a rush of lite headiness, which lasted less than three minutes. It was so embarrassing as I sat down in a sweat with a cup of orange juice assuming the problem was that I had skipped breakfast that morning we visited. So, I thought nothing of this faint spell. However, I would quit that job of five years and go through others gradually entering into a more isolated environment away from my peers or any social pressure. Most people with this social disorder settle for less when they have the potential to do more. Sometimes they go from job to job because they can't handle the social pressure or the heighten expectations placed by the boss. There were times when the pressure got too strong and made me think about quitting, so that I wouldn't have to lie or worry about hurting people by cutting them off before they could really get to know me. It's also hard to approach an authority figure because there is that superiority complex that makes some people too afraid to speak up. There were times that I avoided approaching my bosses on issues that needed immediate attention in fear of receiving added attention for it. I could never keep eye contact with the managers for very long when having to communicate. I wanted so badly to appear as a serious professional that could handle anything, instead I appeared sheepishly beside myself and I became over looked by my bosses. By not being able to talk with my managers that allowed other coworkers to build a strong open pathway of communication toward a better position.
A year after my first panic attack I would experience another at the same hospital visiting the same aunt. The spell was heavier hitting me out of the blue with no sense of unusual warmness or gradual lite headedness like the first. I tried to get to a water fountain as I felt fatigue rushing down my body making my motor skills become suddenly slow. When I looked down the hallway my vision started getting dim as my eyes became heavy. I couldn't hold myself up much longer as I went back to the room, having to ask my mother to get out of her seat so that I could collapse in it. Once again, I sat with heavy sweat as I wiped it away with my trembling hands. I couldn't lift my head up to answer anyone, it was as if I was detached from the present as I tried frantically to pull myself together, barely speaking like I normally would to their concerns. In a short time, I would come back to my normal responsive self with confusion towards the strong parallelism of the first spell to this one. Obviously, that was a wake up call and got me searching for answers. I'd question everything about my health learning an important lesson to never be so careless with it again. When I saw my doctor I explained about the second spell, the twitching in class, and the all around sudden physical distress. At the time she was uniformed of my abnormal shyness and prescribed me paroxetine (paxil) assuming it was generalized anxiety.
Around this time I attended my cousin's high school graduation party where I founded myself having difficulty eating in front of my family. Like everyone else I filled my plate up with pasta salads, fried chicken, and deserts planning on enjoying it. However, I got a nervous twitch when trying to place the fork in my mouth. It was like I didn't know how to use a fork, as if I was going to spill it all over myself if I brought it to my mouth. I would lift my silverware up and back down the minute I spotted a glare at me. As result, I ended up tossing a whole plate of food into the trash when no one was looking in complete shame. In my family I feel utterly alone for not being comfortable enough to express with them about my disorder. At holiday gatherings I am always alone with no one special whom I could introduce to the family. I wish I could announce my disorder to my family but they don't understand it. On one occasion my father invited a guy my age, named Lee to help put up posts around the yard for a brand new fence. My parents didn't listen to me at how awkwardly nerving it was to be set up in that way. Instead, they treated as a little tiff I had and it would all vanish away once I had lunch with him. There was the sensible desire to meet Lee since my parents were so impress by him and he was handsomely well built for an accountant, which he seemed to be an all around family guy too. However, I felt the intense pressure to avoid. Before I could do that my mother had set the table for lunch and guilt me into at least enjoying the food she had set out. In my childhood I used to play sick to get out of going to church. So, I got to the table before anyone else filling my tummy with a whole tub of coleslaw and skipped off to the bathroom to purge. As ridiculous as it is to go to that extend I would do it again. Of course, my parents see that I am unhappy being alone and only have good intentions for me by doing this. In most people with this social disorder it is common to see other disorders tag along with it, such as alcoholism or eating disorders.
When I was on paxil, I came to a revelation that there was something more as I looked into GAD more closely, and founded a list of anxiety disorders, which ultimately I came across social phobia. It was a huge relief if any that explained me fully. So, I diagnosed myself as having SP from the information I had gathered on the internet. My doctor fully agreed with me when I finally broke clean with her the truth about the wall of social avoidance and the difficulties it was causing me to accomplish everyday things. I'd desperately wanted to be more socially out going and gain back a sense of control.
There is obviously more information on social phobia and anxiety disorders from various helpful resources that I encourage people to seek. The best way to truly get all the knowledge we can about this disorder is by seeking, which is what I had to do. I only know of my social phobia, along with the information I sought out, and I advised anyone who suspects of having social phobia to please seek diagnoses by a quantified medical professional.
My hope is for social phobia/anxiety to be recognized, so that there will be a chance for it to be better understood. Sadly, social phobia/anxiety commonly don't get a lot of attention because it isn't given the time to be understood. In order to correct this cycle of abnormal shyness there has to be awareness for it. Altogether, therapy has really helped me be able to talk about SP by having a chance to figure it all out and come to terms with it.  In the past I always avoided crowded malls but now I stay in them more, so that I can get use to the people finding that my anxiety goes away every time I go there. Also, I pre-think a positive outcome before confronting a new person, which makes me less anxiety ritten. These are a few of many small steps of progress that I've been working towards to controlling my anxiety. As a result, I am better off for knowing than letting social phobia prevent the chance of a better life and for that it's given me hope.

Holly, 24 years old, living with Social Phobia since early childhood.