My elbow bumped the handle of a tennis racket as I adjusted my position in the closet. Parting the jackets inches more, I was able to finally settle in a posture that would bear for an hour or two. Slowly, my eyes adjusted to the dim lighting outside the closet door.
" I remember this room," Amy reflected as she sat at the end of the bed.
Amy was Jasons ex girlfriend.. my Jasons.. Her feet swung under her, not reaching the ground. Barely over five feet tall, Amys petite frame was a little more than a head shorter than Jasons stable built.
Jason had his back towards me as he walked towards Amys spot.
" Do you remember this?" Jason asked coyly before leaning down to kiss her.
Naturally, her arms wrapped around him and she pulled him down on top of her. With one hand, Jason cushioned his fall against the bed. I blinked for a second as the dust particles gathered over my iris. Through my eyelids I could still see the scene play out.
Jasons other hand was now massaging her hip. The blue cotton of her skirt wrinkled at his grip. Their kissing had gotten deeper. Both sets of eyes were closed, and instead, they searched with their hands.
Pay attention.
Amys moan was muffled by Jasons mouth.
Uneasiness spread across my stomach as I watched this scene play before me. My fingers gripped tighter at the hanging jackets on either side of me.
Jason pulled back as he and Amy struggled to catch their breaths. Amys fingernails moved over his cheek to play with the stubbles on Jasons face.
I closed my eyes for the parts that came next. Instead I listened to their voices as it carried into closet.
"God you feel so good," shed breathe, " does it feel good to you?"
Jason would barely give a "yes" to reply, but it was a question that didnt need an answer. He always wanted her.
Amy was Jasons first girlfriend and they were one anothers sexual trial run. It was years ago, he said, and that he was with me now.
When were hanging out, Amy never comes up. Jason and I, becomes Jason and I. Six months into our relationship, we have sex and he doesnt orgasm. Several times after that, and still he never comes.
The two of us talked about it, and somehow Amy came up. Jason confides that she was his first and it was the only instance that he had climaxed. Logically we tried to figure out what it was that allowed him to do it with her and not me. Months of Kegal exercises and Kama Sutra chapters and Jason still hadnt reached an orgasm.
The both of us were getting frustrated that I finally offered a solution: Why not fuck her and let me watch? I wanted to be the one to say it before him so that I could make excuses for what he really wanted.
How many times have I watched from behind this sliding door? Every in take of breath, tightening of muscle and moaned dialogue have played as a montage in my mind while trying to repeat them.
As soon as Jason finishes with Amy, he gets her to leave and I step out of the closet and try to repeat the thing I had played voyeur to.
"God you feel so good," Id breathe, " Does it feel good to you?"
The look on Jasons face was anything but near a climax. Inside, my loss deepened, and soon our passion became mechanical.
Eventually we both quit. Jasons body would fall against me, his head falling asleep against my bare breasts. Lying still, I listened to his even breathing and played with the long strands of his brown hair.
How is it that Im the one he wants and Amys the one he misses?
How do I justify my being with him and say that it was meant to be, when something as easy as sex doesnt work. Doubts flood me and Im left alone. Who is really with whom? Do you think of me when youre with her? Am I doomed to watch from the closet in order for you to reach that plateau that I cant take you to?
Here I am in a closet waiting for you to come back from that place with another woman.
You come back.
She leaves.
I step out.
Walking to the edge of the bed, I sit down and let my feet dangle over the ground.
" I remember this" My heart broke. Did he notice?
I looked up and Jason stood in front of me. With his back towards the closet he leaned down and I closed my eyes to intercept a kiss.
His arms wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me tight against his body. Falling against him, I didnt know what would come next. I exhaled, and my breath mingled with his scent. Jason stood there holding me against him and I listened through his chest, for the heart that stays with me.
