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>Grins & Giggles
 Foodies
By Unknown. In the beginning God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower
and spinach, and greenand yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so
Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great
gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme. And Satan said, You want chocolate with that?" And man said "Yea." and woman said "And another one with sugar sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep the figure
that man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them. And woman went from size 2 to size 6.
Then God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented
Thousand-Island Dressing and garlic toast on the side. And man and
woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil
in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained
more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And man and woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the
starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent
double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" and man replied, "Yea! And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And so Satan created
HMOs.
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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God, the ChauffeurBy unknown. A teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old
Testament story, and as she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across Johnny who had drawn a man driving an old car. In the back seat was a scantily-clad man and woman. "It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but which story does it tell?" Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Well!" he exclaimed,
"Doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden of Eden?" Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Heaven boundBy Unknown. > "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage
> sale and gave all my money to the church, would that
> get me into Heaven?" the pastor asked the children in a
> Sunday School class.
>
> "NO!" the children all answered.
>
> "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
> and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me
> into Heaven?"
>
> Again, the answer was, "NO!"
>
> "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy
> to all the children, and loved my wife, would that
> get me into Heaven?" he asked them again.
>
> Again, they all answered, "NO!"
>
> "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into
> Heaven?"
>
> A five-year-old boy shouted out,
>
> "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!" Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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In my next life I hope I'm a bearBy Unknown. > In this life I'm a woman.
> In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear.
> When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
> You do nothing but sleep for six months.
> I could deal with that. Before you hibernate,
> you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could
> deal with that, too. When you're a female bear,
> you birth your children (who are the size of
> walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to
> partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could
> definitely deal with that. If you're a mama bear,
> everyone knows you mean business. You swat
> anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get
> out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
> If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake
> up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy
> legs and excess body fat.
>
> "Yup...gonna be a bear." Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Jesus in the bathroomBy Unknown.
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students
might be a little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they
understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew
up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Kids answers about MomBy unknown. The following are different answers given by school-age children to the
given questions about their mom:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair & everything nice in the
world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
How did your mom meet your dad?
1. My mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.
2. Mom said her friends hooked her up to meet dad, but I don't know what
they hooked her up to.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on
beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores.
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
4. Mom said because love is blind.
What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.
2. You have to know how to be mean sometimes but still know how to give hugs
and kisses.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad's such a
goofball.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have the real power cause that's
who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
3. They have to drive kids around all day.
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years
2. You can always count on grandmas for candy. Sometimes moms don't even
have bread on them!
3. When mom says you can't have a popcicle before dinner grandma says you
can.
Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream!
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts!
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.
Is there anything about your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
and not me.
Pass these on.. make someone smile! Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Life explainedBy Unknown. Well, here it is, the explanation we have all been
looking for. Enjoy!
On the first dayLord created cow. And Lord said, "You
must go to the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to
support the farmer. I will give you a life span of
sixty years."
Cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me
to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and
I'll give back the other forty." And Lord agreed.
On the second day Lord created dog. And to dog, Lord
said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark
at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you
a life span of twenty years."
Dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten
years and I'll give back the other ten. So Lord agreed
(sigh).
On the third day Lord created monkey. Lord said,
"Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh.
I'll give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so
that's what I'll do too, okay? And Lord agreed again.
On the fourth day Lord created man. Lord said,"Eat,
sleep, play, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell
you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave
back, and the ten monkey gave back, and the ten dog
gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said
Lord. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat,
sleep, play, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty
years we slave in the sun to support our family; for
the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain
our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit
in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Life has now been explained.
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Mother GloriaBy Unknown. Mother Gloria . . .
An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the
workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch,
sit with the workers and talk with
them. She put her sandwich in a
brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: "Do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into
the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers
yelled down a "Yeah. Why"?
The worker yelled back
"His wife's here with his lunch."
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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New DietBy Unknown. After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed "Lord, it's up to you.....if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery." Sure enough He answered my prayer.....on the eighth time around the block, there it was! Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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One-linersBy Unknown. Q. What type of furniture do most Goddess worshippers prefer?
A. Wicker.
Q. What's the difference b/ta New Ager and a Pagan?
A. About $500 a weekend.
Q. What do you call an angry Witch?
A. Ribbit.
Q. What's the best thing about Pagan friends?
A. They worship the ground you walk on.
Q. What do you call a coven of unattached Wiccans?
A. Craft singles!
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Religious NutsBy Unknown. A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of
the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads: "The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now--Before It's Too Late!" As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious
nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say "Bridge Out?" Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Road RageBy unknown. A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. <o:p></o:p> Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. <o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> The tailgating woman hits the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. Still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. <o:p></o:p> <o:p></o:p> The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk... Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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ServiceBy Unknown. >IT'S MUCH CLEARER NOW !!!!
>
>At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning ofthe word
>"service." The act of doing things for other people.
>
>Then I heard the terms:
>Internal Revenue Service
>Postal Service
>Civil Service
>Service Stations
>Customer Service
>City/County Public Service
>
>And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought
>"service" meant.
>
>Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned
>that he was having a bull service a few of his cows.
>
>SHAZAM!!
>It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service"
>agencies are doing to us...
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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The AtheistBy Unknown. An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said
to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder
again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He
rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him,
reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!"
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you
make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice. The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws
together and bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty
through Christ our Lord Amen."
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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The atheist professorBy Unknown. An atheist professor was teaching a University of Tennessee college class
during Thanksgiving and he told the class that he was going to prove that there was not a God.
He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this
platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!" Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am God, I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a BIG 340 pound Volunteer
football player happened to walk by the door and heard what the professor said.
The football player walked in the classroom and in the last minute, he walked
up, hit the professor full force, and sent him flying off the platform.
The professor got up, obviously shaken and said, "Where did you come from and why did you do that?"
The football player replied, "God was busy, He sent me!"
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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The government vs. NoahBy Unknown. It is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States.
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.
I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
AMEN.........
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Theology of KidsBy Unknown.
1. Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now. ~~Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. ~~Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to 4. Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton -because I hate her. ~~Denise
5. God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. ~~Alison
6. Dear God, How did you know you were God? Who told you? ~~Charlene
7. Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? ~~Anita
8. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. ~~Nan
9. Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You?
If you did then, I'm going to get even with my brother. ~~Darla
10. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. ~~Glenn
11. Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
12. Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? ~~Nan
13. Dear God, It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? ~~Arnold
14. Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? ~~Norma
15. Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? ~~Jennifer
16. Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. ~~Jane
17. Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? ~~Billy
18. Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. ~~Peter
19. Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. ~~Larry
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Tonto & the Lone RangerBy Unknown. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger.
Tonto ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Great Spirits are all powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Tonto, you dope, someone has stolen our tent."
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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Two broomsBy Unknown. Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know
each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other
the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white
dress. The groom
broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the
wedding dinner, the
bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom "I
think I am going
to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> Are you ready for this!!?
> *
> *
> *
> *
> Brace yourself; this is going to hurt...
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> Really bad...
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> *
> "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER."
Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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You know you're pagan when . . .By Unknown. You know you're a Pagan when.....
*You have a friend that claims they are a faery, and you believe them.
*You know that going "skyclad" does NOT involve dressing up in a pilots suit.
*You know that "coming out of the broom closet" has nothing to do with dusting.
*You talk to trees, and they talk back.
*You talk to cats, and they talk back. Recommended by Barb , 3/15/2007.
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