South Sydney High - Class Of 2001

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Topic	Bankstown TAFE Exam
Joke	EXAM START 1. If Mario fits a monster tacho to his TE Gemini, how much quicker will it go down the quarter mile along Bexley Road on Friday night? 2. If Stella (who is 26) is only allowed to go out for 8 hours on a weekend and on Friday night she goes out with her 14 cousins to DCM's for 5 hours, how long can she go to Norton St for a coffee on Sunday night? 3. Mohammed has 7 children and gets $600 a week from Social Security, if he goes to the TAB and puts half of it on a donkey in the 5th race at Warwick Farm that's paying 22 to 1 because Ali says it's a fix, how many stolen car stereos does he need to sell when the horse fails to finish? 4. George is going to the underage disco on Saturday. Will he get in easier if he wears his Kappa tracksuit or his Adidas tracksuit? 5. How much quicker will Ali's VK Commodore go if he fits the stolen VL turbo badge on it and shifts the number plate to the side so it looks like he's running an intercooler? 6. From how far can you hear Ricky Martin being played in Rocky's Hyundai Excel, if he has just fitted 2,500 watt amps and twin 15 inch subwoofers? 7. If Con works at Franklins at Fairfield, how much overtime will he need to do to pay Ali the delivery driver for the sickmate 18inch Simmons wheels he just scored? 8. Part A: Nguyen's parents just bought him a brand new Honda Civic. He has $2000 to spend on after-market parts for his car. What should he buy: A: A full 4inch stainless exhaust with a turbo tip B: 18 inch Zepter chromed wheels and 25 series tyres C: A rear Nascar wing D: A Mugen racing sticker pack Part B: How many stuffed toys should he glue to the dashboard: A: less than 10 B: More than 10 C: More than 20 Part C: How much quicker will the car go if he colour codes the mirrors, the brake rotors and windscreen wipers? 9. Mick wants to put either a Jim Beam sticker or a Porn Star sticker on his Torana. Which one will get him more roots? 10. If Jack goes to the Cargo Bar every Friday and Saturday night for a month, how many condoms do you think he will need: A: less than 10 B: more than 10 C: none, because he won't pull a root 11. Pina's parents just bought a new lounge room suite. How long does the plastic stay on it? A: 1 year B: 2 years C: Never comes off 12. Enzo wants to drop a burnout at Ashfield Maccas. How many RPM will he need to get to before he drops the clutch if his fat cousin is in the back seat? 13. Ali's friend just bought a pro stock Gemini that pulls 13 second quarters with a stock 1.6 ltr engine. How many gauges does he need to complementthe 4inch exhaust he has just hose clamped to the old 1.75 inch system: A: 2 B: 3 C: 4 or more. Bonus Questions: 14. How many Holden Commodores are there in Campbelltown? 15. How many guys named Wayne are there in Campbelltown? 16. How many guys named Wayne are in Campbelltown that drive Commodores? END OF EXAM
Class Mate	Joeyboy

Topic	Jack Schitt
Joke	Did you notice Jack Schitt dropped by earlier? Just WHO is Jack Schitt Anyway? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only sone of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Needed N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 156 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.e She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bridge, Pisa Schitt. So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. And that's what I know about Jack Schitt.........
Class Mate	Douly

Topic	Men and Women Using an ATM
Joke	HIS 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 2a. car still in gear 3. Enter PIN number 4. Take cash, card, and receipt 4a. pull ahead as shovin' all in shirt pocket HER 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN written on it 9. Enter PIN 10. Study instructions for at least two minutes. 11. Hit "cancel" 12. Re-enter correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. Stop 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in gear, reverse 38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel three miles 41. Release parking brake
Class Mate	Joeyboy

Topic	Nervous Priest
Joke	A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior and the spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T." 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" 12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry," 13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God. 14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Class Mate	��L�

Topic	Tennis Elbow
Joke	One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Class Mate	Douly

Topic	Tips To A Lasting Marriage
Joke	My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last: Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food, and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake." My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!" Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!" In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.
Class Mate	Douly

Topic	WOG IQ Test
Joke	You have approximately 1 hour to answer the following questions. No calculators, mobile phones, laptop computers, mainframe computers, geiger counters, electrolysis kits or chiko rolls my be used during the exam. If Mahammad lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18 inch zepter wheels how many inches has he origianlly lost from the stock suspension? If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 6pm? If mustaffa runs 10 km from the police in lakemba to punchbowl and steals a car and drives another 5 km to bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park? If ahmed receives a $200 a week disability allowance from Centrelink and works with his brother as a builder and recieves a further $400 a week, and pays $10 a week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Torago from the auctions? If mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average height of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from: 2 feet away _________% 5 feet away _________% 100 Feet away _________% If Soula needs 25ml of wax a day to get rid of her facial her, and Soula is only 19, how many mls will her mum need if she is 47? If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and number 3 on the top then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeeks? (Assuem that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2mm per day) If George has $12,000 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions how much will it cost him to fix them if Ahmed his friend from school is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40 an hour? If sam boosts his turbo on his 200sx to 22psi and puts a chip to aggregate the turbo to 17psi on weekends, what pressure is exerted on the turbo if he puts another standard nissan turbo and runs the twin turbos only on sunday nights at brighton? If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times an hour in bankstown square how many times will hear the word mate in Penrith, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000? If your Father normally buys 1 item of clothing a year. How many years must pass before he gets around to buying a second pair of pants. If luigi drives his family and his cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his valiant at any one given time? If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC to see Julie Wilson's answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 meter apart from Julie? If Jim changes the oil in his fish and chip shops deep frier every 18 months and this costs him $400. How often should he change his oil if he wants to spend on average a total of $180 per annum on oil changes. If Abdo runs a kebab shop and is a taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200 a week how much does centrelink give him for his unemployment benefit? If Ahmed uses 1kg of bog to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if hardware house is selling them for $9 each, and each can has 850ml and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees celcius. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2 a slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if filo pastry costs 62c a sheet and she normally used 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices. If Julie Smith buys 3 slices of ham, 4 slices of devon, and 2 slices of chicken from the deli for her kids for school lunch, how many kilos correspondingly will Voula buy for her children? If bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at 3.5% a month, and its overall popluation at 2.1% a month, at what rate are the aussies leaving END OF EXAM.
Class Mate	Dims