Symptoms of Codependency:

	Inability to know what "normal" is.
	Difficulty in following a project through.
	Difficulty having fun.
	Judging self, others without mercy.
	Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)
	Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.
	Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.

(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____") 

	Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)
	Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.
	Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.
	Feelings of being different.
	Confusion and sense of inadequacy.
	Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)
	Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.
	Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.
	Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.
	Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.
	Hypersensitivity to criticism.
	Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)
	Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.
	Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.
	Confusion between love and pity.
	Tendency to look for "victims" to help.
	Rigidity and need to control.
	Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

 

You do NOT have to have ALL Of these to be codependent.

 

Codependency Recovery:

Recovery from Codependency is deep work based on shifting our relationship with ourselves. We may have to let go If the people in our lives are unwilling to work through their issues.  "Firing" the people we were codependent with may be a part of that, but remember - codependency is about us, not them!  Recovery from codependency involves learning to take responsibility for our own actions, feelings behavior, issues and lives.

Codependents have as much difficulty accepting their powerlessness over people and events as alcoholics / addicts have regarding their powerlessness over their drug of choice. (Many treatment modalities approach codependency as an addiction to control and / or caretaking.)   Ongoing therapy and a twelve step program (CODA meetings) are highly advised. Melody Beattie's Codependent No More is recommended reading, as is her book The Language of Letting Go.  

Letting go of the need to control people, places and events is difficult, but will ultimately set us free of our self-defeating patterns, shame and fear. The investment in caretaking / control take a lot of our energy - letting that go frees our energy for more productive uses.

Addictions and Codependency are family and relationship issues as well as a primary illness for the addict.  Modern treatment methods address the entire family and relationship structure. 

Ironically, codependency isn't about other people - it's about the relationship with the self.  Codependents often believe that if the addict in their life sobered up their problems would go away. 

Countless addict / alcoholics find their relationships end or change radically when they get clean and sober. The family / relationship dynamic was predicated on the addict being "the sick one." As the addict gets well they may find their partners and family members have no idea how to adjust to the changes.

Enabling codependents may subvert the addict's recovery so the unhealthy relationship dynamics can be preserved. 

Addicted codependents who hid behind another's more dramatic problem may leave the relationship rather than give up their own using. Addicted codependents often progress in their own addictions more rapidly when their partner enters recovery. (Since the change in the relationship is stressful.)

Codependents in denial cannot adjust to the relationship changes that occur when their partner begins recovery. They may move on to other addictive relationships so they can cling to their own dysfunctional patterns.  (The controlling codependent is often lost without someone to blame, fix and control.)  How many times have you heard of people who leave one alcoholic only to enter a relationship with another one? 

All people involved in the addictive cycle need a solid recovery program if relationships are to be preserved and they are to lead happy, fulfilling lives.  

To learn more or find a free meeting near you: http://www.codependents.org/