1 Corinthians 13:4

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up.

Does not behave rudely, does not seek it’s own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

We all deserve love. Love is between two people. I only thought I had love with my CH. Love is not one sided. Does your version of “love” meet these requirements? Love suffers long (is patient). I was patient, I gave him four years to change. Was he patient? No, no, no. Mine only suffered until he could manipulate his way to his next hit. So, nope, no love from his side. Love is kind. I was kind. Kind beyond what he deserved. What was my CH kind? Only when it benefited his addiction to be kind. He used occasional kindness to get his next hit. Love does not envy. I did not envy. I did not want what he had. Did my CH envy? Yes, envied my possessions and the possessions of others so much, he stole them to get his next hit. Love does not parade itself, is not puffed up. I did anything but - I became a shell of a person, hoping noone would find out what my life had become. No friends, no social life, only the CH. Did my CH parade himself? Only at night, to the crack house. Love does not behave rudely. I didn’t behave rudely, instead I listened lovingly to his sob stories, and tried to help him. Did my CH behave rudely? Every chance he got, every time I got between him and crack. Love does not seek it’s own. I constantly looked out for him. He only thought of himself. Love is not provoked. I looked over so much. However, he took every action of mine and twisted into something wrong. Love thinks no evil. I thought feelings of hope and peace for him. He thought only of his next hit of the devils candy and chose to live in a life of hell. Love does not rejoice in iniquity. For so long I looked over his faults. He brought up every one of mine, on any occasion it helped him to get his next hit. Love rejoices in the truth. It took me a long time to find the truth. My CH smoked his truth away. Love bears all things. I bore all his troubles. He couldn’t bear for me to go to the store to get groceries. Love believes all things. I believed all his lies. He couldn’t believe that I was even at home, when I would call him from there. Love hopes all things. I tried to fill my life with hope, and pass some of it on to him. He chose to live without hope and was depressed all the time. Love endures all things. I endured hell. He invited me there.

Love never fails. This is true. This I believe. Love never fails. But, you must truly have love to begin with. Noone can have true love with a CH. It is something they are incapable of giving. Crack takes love away from them. In order to experience real love, it must come from both sides of the relationship. One can’t hope to love the other enough to make them return it. It just doesn’t happen. We all deserve love. Are you getting it?