Another Boot Exclusive
THE GOLD STANDARD
What they're really planning for 2012 UK Olympics
Plans are already well underway to make these Olympic Games not only the most profitable but also the safest too...just look what they've got up their sleeve!
London Mayor Ken Livingstone says: 'While of course we will be welcoming the athletes to London with a lavish pork pie and pickle luncheon we will be expecting them to pay for their accomodation...I mean they can't live in the village free, no they're going to have to pay Olympic Council tax and we're thinking of extending the congestion charge to cover the walkways and the training tracks...then of course there are the medals, I mean we can't be expected to give them away free can we? No they're going to have to pay and pay me personally so that Londoners know that the money is in safe hands.'
The Health and Safety Executive......announce plans to ensure only rubber tipped javelins are used in the stadium, all athletes (particularly sprinters) wear protective helmets and a range of traffic calming measures to limit the speed of runners particularly over the 100 and 1500 meter races. Other innovations include a maximum height for the pole vault of 8ft and all swimmers must wear inflatable arm bands to limit the risk of drowning. 'We want this to be the safest games ever and these measures will help us achieve our aims' says Maggie Esdale, Health and Safety Commissioner.
The Charity Commission contributes the following...
In our view the Olympic Games represents a wonderful opportunity for worthy causes to further their aims, that's why we're suggesting fun runners should be included in every athletic event. After all why should athletics be the sole province of athletes when they could be used to raise much needed funds for hospitals,schools and old people's aches and pains....bring on the pantomime horse!
Have your say.
So what do you think of these plans? Let us know.
THE OPENING CEREMONY
The wait is over, at last the tenders are in and The BOOT has been given exclusive access as to what the creme de la creme of creative thinking has to offer.
...ten thousand Hindus, Muslims, Seiks, Parsees, South Africans, Romanions, Latvians, Albanians and Chinese flood into the stadium to compose the Union Flag in non-traditonal colours...a huge papier mache sculpture of Queen Victoria-bloodied and dismembered, by Jake and Dino Chapman - is hauled into the arena by one hundred English Yeoman (whipped and stripped to the waist) to the tune of Rule Britannia...we see this as a way of England restoring her good name amongst the more civilised nations on earth...Afro-Asian Art Collective. Jake and Dino Chapman courtesy of The Nick Serota Collective - Tate Modern
England, a land of culture, renowned throughout the world for Elton John, Kylie Minogue and the Arctic Monkies, we suggest this fabulous heritage be used as the centre piece of the opening ceremony, so what better way to begin than with a rock concert for the third world in which we all give money...your effin money...to pay the chauffeurs wages at Mombassa Palace, Christ they haven't been paid for two weeks!!!!! The Bob Geldoff Collective - Chauffeurs courtesy of Robert Mugabe
....Youth, todays tomorrow and tomorrows today. Let's celebrate youth, healthy young men in the prime of their life. Picture this, a thousand youths skipping into the stadium and forming giant circles, boy on boy, playing football. How lovely what a vision.... The old gay art collective.
...a huge penis thrusts it's way through the stadium, fireworks explode, Will Young sings and everybody comes off. The young gay art collective.
...chaps in uniform and chapesses in civvies cavort to the tunes of Vera Lynn while a squadron of Spitfires fly overhead trailing the red white and blue of her majesty's flag. The High Command Art Collective
For all the low down on all the olympic low life why not turn to WOTCHA Britains favourite delebrity read OR try our New Feature for little'uns - The Baby Boot
