Trust (II)

 

Roz, one of my best friends and closest ally with M.E, wrote a page entitled Trust on her website; My Starry Eyes. Roz and I understand each other so well, we’re really lucky, its one of our traits, our ability to get on with things not as one but together. As I read the page this line jumped out at me:

‘I was afraid. Frightened to let anything come into my life, for fear of losing it. I'd lost so much before I just couldn't risk losing something else.’

Lately in the knowledge that Alder Hey don’t need to see me more, its like I’ve been eased out a bit, to get to use to things on my own. I guess, I’ve needed to learn to trust or at least to try. Some things come naturally, but trusting people … that’s so hard.

I expected to trust people quite quickly, but I can’t … its not because I don’t trust how they are to me, but it’s the fact I don’t think I can trust myself relying on them. I don’t want to devote myself to people only for my health to fail and for myself to become a burden.

Oddly, it seems to be the people I want to trust the most that I’m having trouble giving myself too. Inside I’m still fragile, and if sometime soon I begin to break again I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m scared. <o:p></o:p>