Disclaimer: I didn't create them... rub it in my FACE why don't you!!
Return of the Bean
*Everyone is asleep. Both Leggy and Eowyn and sitting awake. Eowyn is looking at Leggy dubiously*
Eowyn: So.... why ARE you dressed as a hotdog?
Leggy: It was my reincarnation. Why don't YOU try finding a white silk tunic without a body. Eh!!??
Eowyn: Alright, alright.
*Silence. Eowyn looks at Aragorn lovingly, then notices Leggy doing the same. *
Leggy: So.... you like Aragorn?
Eowyn: *taken aback* Oh.. yes. Yes I do.
Leggy: Well, you can't have him. He's already spoken for.
Eowyn: *thinking that he means himself* May the best man win.
Leggy: Er.... Ok.
*Aragorn wakes up, and reaches into his bag for his pretzels. They aren't there*
Aragorn: No... NOOO!
Gandalf: What is it, Aragorn? *draws sword*
Aragorn: My pretzels.... they're... GONE!!
Pippin: *mouth full* That's terrible, Arry.
*Aragorn notices a pretzel hanging out of his mouth*
Aragorn: YOU STOLE MY PRETZELS!! *Tries to stab him*
Gandalf: *holding Aragorn back.* Ok, I think it's time to go, Pippin.
Pippin: But I don't wanna.....
Aragorn: I'm gonna let Gimli eat you, you runt!
*Gimli smacks his lips and gets out ketchup*
Pippin: Ok, when do we leave??
*Gollum is scampering along, leading Sam and Frodo into a dank tunnel*
Gollum: Go hobbitses..... go into the tunnel.
Frodo: Ok. Sam, you go first.
Sam: Yes sir.
*Sam wanders in. A huge spider comes and bites his leg off.*
Frodo: *Laughing hysterically* That's gotta hurt!!
Sam: It did!
*Frodo carries on laughing, then Gollum pushes him into the tunnel*
Frodo: Oh.... bollocks.
* Shelob comes towards him*
Frodo: No, you don't want me... look! Nice, fat hobbit.
Sam: HEY!
Frodo: F*ck off, you oversized horse testicle! *pokes her in the eye*
*Shelob stabs him, and he has one last scream of 'F*******CK' before falling down*
Sam: NOOOO! *Cuts off Shelobs legs. She retreats*
Sam: Mister Frodo.... don't be dead.....
*Silence*
Sam: Oh... right. You can't answer. *Cries onto Frodo*
*Sam hears orc voices, so takes the ring, Sting, and runs away to watch the orcs. *
Orc 1: What is that??
Orc 2: Well, it isn't a pot roast, that's for sure.
Orc 1: You know what would be a good idea?
Orc 2: What?
Orc 1: To take it to our tower, he is kinda pretty....
Orc 2: Yeh.. maybe he'll be funnier when he wakes up... coz he's breathing.
Sam: WHAT??
Orc 1: Did you hear something?
Orc 2: No. Let's go.
Pippin: Sorry Merry, but YOU can't come.
Merry: See if I care.
*Silence*
Merry: You're right. I do.
*Gandalf taps his foot pointedly*
*Enter Leggy*
Leggy: It's a sorrow to see you go, Master Pippin.
Pippin: *Laughing* Do you remember when you came back from the dead? *he looks at Leggy, who isn't laughing* And you said you were Legolas the White, and I made that joke... *laughing hysterically* More like Legolas the *laughing* Hotdog??
*Long, long silence.*
Leggy: Pippin, come here.
*Pippin leans forward. Leggy flicks his forehead. *
Pippin: Alright, alright I'm going. *mumbling* Elves can be sooo cranky.
*Gandalf and Pippin are standing by Denethor's throne. Denethor looks really, really pissed off*
Denethor: NO Gandalf, this is MY throne.
Gandalf: No it ISN'T.
Denethor: Fine, I'll let him have it, but I want that hobbit. *points to Pippin* He's kind of cute....
Pippin: *edging behind Gandalf* Gandalf......
Gandalf: Deal!
Pippin: What??
*Frodo is lying naked in a tower. Dead orcs are scattered around him, somehow killed by Sam*
Sam: Mister Frodo... I found you. *Tries to hug him. Frodo bites his nose*
Frodo: Touch me and you die.
Sam: Come on, let's go.
Frodo: here's an idea. Why don't YOU go, and I'll stay here. I lost the f*cking ring, anyway.
Sam: You didn't. I took it.
Frodo: You f*cking theif!!! *starts beating him into a pulp*
Sam: No! No!! It hurts!!
Frodo: I should f*cking well think so. Give it back, you c*nt-brained tit!
*Sam gives him Sting and the Ring. Frodo glares at him*
Sam: Come on, we have to go.
Frodo: I'll go.... but after this. *closes his eyes and imagines Galadriel.... the rest is too smutty to write*
*Eowyn is peeking into the bathroom, where Aragorn is (gasp) washing. Leggy walks past*
Leggy: What are you doing? Back off!!
Eowyn: It's not your spot.... and why can't I look?
Leggy: It's a breach of his human rights!
Eowyn: I'll let you have a look....
Leggy: What... NO!!
Eowyn: Hang on... there's someone else in there.... he's giving Aragorn a.... sword.
Leggy: You call that innuendo? It's probably just his pee-helper.... the doctor told him not to lift heavy objects.
*Long silence*
Eowyn: Oh.... I get it. *giggles*
Denethor: You're under MY rule now, hobbit.
Pippin: Ok.
Denethor: And as my minstrels have been killed in battle, you're going to sing. I think you'll find all you'll need in that box. *points to a box next to a pole*
Pippin: Ok.... *looks in box... his face contorts in disgust*
*Pippin is wearing a bra, knickers, fishnets and heels, and dancing around a pole as he sings 'New York, New York'
Denethor: *clapping along* Dance, hobbit, DANCE!!
*Gandalf and Faramir enter. Denethor throws a piece of bread at Faramir, which knocks him out*
Gandalf: What on earth is going on here??
*The music stops.*
Gandalf: Denethor!! This is wrong!
Denethor: Hey, I'm the one on the throne. When you have a throne, you can do whatever you like.
Gandalf: And I will... but right now, we have to fight. Rohan's ready to fight, but they're late, and the orcs are attacking!
Denethor: I fail to see where that's MY problem.
Gandalf: Very well. Come, Pippin.
*He and Pippin exit*
*Leggy, Gimli and Aragorn are in a graveyard, surrounded by the dead*
Leggy: Why did I even come.....
Aragorn: *to the dead* Will you fight for us?
Dead King: Why?
Aragorn: We suck.
Dead King: Sure, why not.
Aragorn: That was relatively easy....
Gandalf: Hurry along...we've got some orcs to kill.
*He notices that Pippin is still wearing the fishnets and heels. He raises an eyebrow*
Pippin: They make me taller, OK??!!
*Aragorn, Leggy and Gimli arrive, kill loads of orcs and then watch as a soldier stabs the Witch-King of Angmar*
Theoden: Oh! It's you!
Eowyn: You'd better believe it.
Theoden: I thought I recognised that arse...
Eowyn: What?
Theoden: Oh... nothing, nothing. *dies*
Eowyn: Sure..... avoid the question.
*Meanwhile, Pippin and Merry are reunited*
Merry: Is it you?
Pippin: Yes Merry.
Merry: Are you.... wearing a bra? *lifts up Pippin's tunic*
Pippin: It's supportive...
Merry: And fishnets....?
Pippin: Gi... gi... SHUT UP MERRY!
Frodo: Sam.... I'm can't go any further.... you'll have to carry me....
Sam: You were walking fine just now...
Frodo: Shut the f*ck up and carry me, bitch!
Sam: Alright... alright.
*Gollum attacks them. Frodo gets up and runs off.*
Sam: I thought you couldn't wa- GAHH!! *Gollum has bitten him.* MAN that stings.
*Gollum and Sam run into Mount Doom, where Frodo is swinging his legs over the side. *
Sam: Frodo.... throw it in!!
Frodo: ...... NO!! *puts on the ring*
Sam: Frodo! Come back.. HEY! *An invisible force is pushing him over the edge*
Frodo: You can't order ME about, Hopalong!!
*Gollum bites off his finger*
Frodo: AHHH F***CK THAT HURTS!! YOU F*CKING TWAT!! AHHHHH!! *pushes Gollum into the lava.*
*Frodo wakes up in a bed. Gandalf is watching him*
Frodo: Were you watching me sleep?
Gandalf: ....maybe.
Frodo: You fag.
*Enter Pippin and Merry. They bounce on the bed, trying to be friendly*
Frodo: Get off!! I'm trying to f*cking sleep you wankers!!!*Notices Pippin's heels and fishnets* What the f*ck is that?
Pippin: Nothing.. nothing.
Frodo: You're a f*cking tranny HAHAHA!!!
*Enter Gimli*
Frodo: Oh great... why doesn't EVERYONE just come in.
*Enter Aragorn, Leggy and Sam*
Frodo: Another one dressed as a f*cking woman. GO JOIN PRISCILLA!
Leggy: It isn't a dress... it's a unisex robe!
Frodo: Anyway.... I swear I killed you....
Leggy: Forget about it, it's all in the past.
Frodo: I didn't f*cking say I was sorry, c*ck-breath.
Leggy: C*ck-breath??
*Aragorn is being crowned.*
Aragorn: Yeh, I'm King now. See the crown? Yup, I'm King, so you'd better do as I say.
*Starts singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts", and walks over to Leggy. Leggy puts his hand on his shoulder.*
Aragorn: *sighing* Legolas, I'm NOT gay.
Leggy: Huh?
Aragorn: But if I were, you'd be the first to know. *winks*
*Walks over to Arwen*
Eowyn: Oh... so that's what you meant when you said he was taken....
Leggy: Yes.
Eowyn: Ok.... I thought... nevermind. *Goes over to Faramir*
Leggy: Why does everyone think I'm gay?? WHY??
*Frodo is standing in the harbour with Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Celeborn and Galadriel*
Sam: Do you have to go, Frodo?
Frodo: Yeh... here's a book I wrote for you, though.
Sam: Oh... thanks. *Takes book*
Frodo: *turning to Merry and Pippin.* Bye Merry. Bye Pippin. I just have to tell you, before I go... I HATE you.
Merry: What? Why?
Frodo: You made me go on that STUPID quest, and I lost my finger. It could've been reaaaaally useful on this journey. *Nods at Galadriel* But it's Ok, I hated you before that as well, coz you're both utter c*nts. I mean, who steals vegetables??!!
Merry: Us.
Frodo: I KNOW!! But, anyway, yeh. Pip, good luck at the costume contest.
Pippin: *He is wearing a very pole-dancerish outfit* Yes.... costume contest.
*Frodo spits at Sam, pushes Gandalf in the water, then winks as Galadriel as he gets on the boat. Celeborn thinks the wink is aimed at him, and puts his hand of Frodo's arse. Frodo swears at him, and the boat sails off*
*Sam goes home*
Sam: Well, I'm back.
Rosie: Hello Captain Obvious.
Sam: What?
Rosie: Nothing, nothing. Just go to bed, you must be tired, my dear Hopalong.
Sam: Can you not call me that, please? Call me honey, or sweetie.
Rosie: I go through labour, I'll do what i damn well please, Ming the Merciless.
*Sam hangs hs head and goes into the bedroom, where he opens the book. It says "I hate you, you are a f*cking bastard, I hate you so much, I could kill you, and I will. This book will self-destruct soon. I'm glad I'm away from you, I'll be f*cking Galadriel, and you'll be DEAD, you fat, ugly c*nt!!"*
THE END
