Heksenhumor TOP TEN CHEEZEY PICK-UP LINES FOR PAGANS TO USE AT BELTANE GATHERINGS
10. Hey babe, what's your sign? What's it's ascendant? What is your planet alignment in Venus during Cancer's revolving around the Fourth House?
9. Read any good Llewellyn Books lately?
8. Would you like to come over to my place and widdershins?
7. Haven't I seen you someplace before in another life?
6. Yes, I'm handfasted, but that's not "technically" marriage.
5. So, do you draw down the moon here often?
4. What's a nymph Goddess like you doing in a place like this?
3. You have the prettiest third eye I've ever seen.
2. You're feet must be tired because you've been Spiral Dancing in my mind all night long.
And the Number One Cheezey Pick-Up Line for Pagans to Use at Beltane Gatherings is:
1. Is that a May Pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Author Unknown
- Borrow their eyeliner and then don't give it back.
- Snicker when the fat ones go skyclad.
- Rearrange their altar.
- Clean their "tools."
- If they mention Magick, ask them to explain...you never understood that dumb card game...
- Step into that drawn circle and ask them what their doing.
- Sharpen that dull knife of theirs.
- Claim to be a non-Wiccan witch.
- Ask if they can wriggle their nose like in Bewitched.
- Put on your best Judy Garland voice and ask "Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?"
- Throw water on them and expect them to melt.
- Explain how adding "an it harm none" completely misses the point of Thelema. Then explain what Thelema is.
- Lend them a copy of Liber OZ.
- Take them to a Catholic Mass.
- Turn their pentagrams upside down.
- Recite good poetry during ritual.
- Cast that circle counter-clockwise.
- Tell the goddess to put up or shut up during the invocation.
- Ask if they can do those things like in that movie...what was it...? Oh yeah, "The Craft!"
- When they start talking about "the Goddess" start chanting things in Ouranian barbaric or Enochian. Explain later that you have a subconsciously wired bullshit-cut-off switch.
- See if they know any Hebrew attributions for, say, tarot. Then ask them why they know.
- Ask them who Gerald Gardner was. Ask them which degree rites they've been through. Ask them why they haven't, if it's part of the authentic Celtic tradition. Duck, and remind them about the "an' it harm none" bit.
- Talk to their cat. Tell them the cat says it wants human sacrifices.
- Scream "KALI YUGA!" when they invoke the Goddess.
- Ask them who you have to sleep with in order to get initiated to the 3rd Degree.
- Ask why so many Wiccan rituals bare a striking similarity to Golden Dawn rituals.
- Half way through a ritual, ask the high priestess to wake you when the sex starts...
- Edit their Book of Shadows, inserting material from one of the assorted Necronomicons or the Satanic Bible.
- Ask them to recommend a good book on the subject of Wicca. When they respond, repeat that you wanted a *good* book on Wicca.
- When one tells you that s/he is a Witch, tell them not to be so hard on themselves.
- Explain the difference between 'skyclad' and 'houseclad'.
- Remind them the moon has four phases, not three.
- Men - wear amber and jet.
- Wear a white rob and hood to the summer solstice. Say your swastika is just a rune.
- Worship the devil and call yourself a 'real witch'.
- Tell them that the green ray only appeals to people that like having their brain shut down.
- Tell them the story about how Gardner coined the phrase 'Blessed be' after he 'hired' a West Country priestess from a local brothel who gasped it during the five fold kiss.
- Point out that you can't meaningfully be a Kabbalist unless you're Jewish. No, wait, that's for annoying Hermeticists...
Put fire wood around the maypole.
Condom of Change Spell
by Eliza
Purpose: To bring about change in your life. Can be performed any time, but preferably during rush hour. Perform spell skyclad. (Necessary)
Items Needed: Yellow condom, water.
- Undress and bathe. (It might be your last relaxing bath for a long time to come)
- Fill yellow condom with water and knot the end.
- Step outdoors during daylight, preferably during a traffic rush hour. Walk briskly to crossroads.
- Chant while walking: Yella yella, Brightest fella
- When you get to the intersection, stand in the center of traffic.
- Using the yellow condom as your wand, cast a circle around you.
- This is the most important part of the ritual: Center yourself with eyes closed. Lift water-filled condom above your head and begin to swing it around. While doing this, gyrate your hips in a circular motion to bring about the wheels of change.
- While doing this, chant the magical word "YIP" over and over until you reach an ecstatic state.
This spell is guaranteed to bring about change in your life.
Did you hear about the psychic in the car wreck?
She had an auto-body experience
What do you say to an angry witch?
Ribbit.
What happens when a ceremonial magician gets mad?
He goes quaballistic.
Why did the blonde pagan have a lasso?
She wanted to draw down the moon.
How do you know when a blonde pagan has closed the circle?
There's white-out on the floor.
What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?
A self-cleaning coven.
What's the best thing about having pagan friends?
They worship the ground you walk on...
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
What is a witch's favorite snack?
Pan pizza.
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Universalist-Unitarian?
Someone who knocks on your door for no particular reason.
Door: Cerridwen
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