Codependentschat

We all know someone who is chronically angry. This means that they are usually angry, upset, critical, judgmental. We joke about them and say "They must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed." Underneath their anger is often emotional pain, and they don't show it to most people.

Chronically angry people have often been shamed as children. They did not receive the emotional support and love they needed. They may have been neglected, abused, or put down repeatedly. So, they are angry about what they have lost -- often their parents, and sometimes, parts of themselves.

Shame is about feeling worthless down to one's core. This worthlessness makes a person feel powerless and afraid. Men are not supposed to feel powerless and afraid, and so they express it as anger. Anger becomes the way some people, especially men, try to control out of fear and powerlessness.

The healing process for chronic anger usually involves looking at a person's family-of-origin issues around shame, neglect, abuse, and abandonment. Healing happens when people realize they are lovable at their core, and whatever happened to them as children was not their fault. The process involves forgiveness of self, and of others who hurt them. It also includes the reclaiming of all of oneself, especially those parts that were hidden due to fear of being abandoned.

Chronically angry people often push people away by their anger, and repeat the feeling of childhood abandonment. They maintain their shame, and thus validate their unlovability. Therapy, anger management groups, and support groups can help heal chronic anger.
© Dr. Michael Obsatz

ANGER is not the problem...what we do with it is.

"It is important to remember that feelings are just that...feelings. It is normal for us to have feelings, and it is normal for us to feel anger. Anger is only harmful when it is held in and starved as Emily Dickinson says. When we hold it in, it builds and we find ourselfves exploding on innocent people in the most astounding circumstances. Then we end up feeling bad about ourselves and getting anger backlash from others. We need to find safe places to let our anger out. We can respect our anger. It is our friend. It lets us know when something is wrong."

ANGER is not the problem...what we do with it is.

Peacefully Angry? Meditation

Anger is a very frustrating emotion. I know anger impairs my judgement, unless I am careful and vigilant, and my fine motor control, when my adrenaline level is elevated. It creates an illusion of power that can be addictive. Extra muscular strength with impaired judgement is weakness not power. Despite knowing this, at times I get surges of anger. Sometimes I even lack acceptance of the anger, and get angry about not being able to choose to not get angry, and have it vanish instantly.

Anger is an emotion, which apparently accompanies an impression that something of value is threatened, and probably developed in evolution, as a body chemistry change to facilitate self defense with unreasoning adversaries. In such circumstances it may be a life saver, but in civilized life based on reason and cooperation, it is more often detrimental to progress. So what can we do to improve things?

We can remember these facts, as soon as we feel any anger, and train ourselves to automatically detach our sense of self, from the anger, and the thoughts and impulses that go with it. From that detached impartial perspective, we can then intentionally shape our personal process, so it’s manifestation will conform with our values, and promote harmonious, healthy interaction.

Some obvious places to start are to be committed to acting from a consciously non-coercive attitude, which entails not obsessing about the wrongs done to us, and assuming goodwill on the part of the other. Criticism needs to be directed impersonally, at actions, in as calm a voice tone as possible. An attitude of scientific cooperative exploration of social dynamics, both personal and joint, with an intention to benefit all, as suggested by step nine’s harmlessness, is what we are seeking to operate from. Attacks on people’s character, and sense of identity are to be avoided at all costs, since they are most likely to increase the people’s anger level making cooperation more difficult. We wish to become more capable of being peaceful by intention, even when feeling very angry and inclined to aggression.

Today, I choose to dissect the action, instead of attacking the person, and ask God’s help in acting from, and with, genuine goodwill at all times.
By James (Pakwa Jim author)

The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.

– Barbara De Angelis, American Author and Expert on Relationships and Personal Growth