A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8o'clock that night. They got dressed quickly. Then the man asked his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes, and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. “YOU LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
You know your grandparents are doing it when...
10. A pair of edible Depends is found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn".
7. Granny is found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Their Craftmatic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style".
This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick.
"Why do you want that permanently on your penis?" asks the tattoo artist.
"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and this way my wife can blow a hundred bucks without leaving the house."
A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bulls testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made. The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.
Three ducks were swimming in a pond after midnight and were arrested for trespassing. The next morning, they were called to appear in court. The judge called in duck number one and said, "What where you doing in the pond after midnight?" The duck replies, "I was blowing bubbles." The judge looks at him with suspicion and asks if he is sure that was all he was doing. The first duck answers earnestly, “Your honor, I swear, I was only blowing bubbles.” Dubious, but unable to find any law that the duck has broken, he order the first duck set free. Next, the judge turns to the second duck and asks why he what he was doing in the pond after midnight, to which the second duck replies "Judge, I was only blowing bubbles." Incredulous, but still unable to find any law that has been broken, the judge orders the second duck freed as well. Exasperated, the judge finally turns to the third duck and says, "Let me quess — you were blowing bubbles too?"
"No,” says the third duck, “I am Bubbles."
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
If I had one cricket ball in one hand, and another cricket ball in the other hand, what would I have?
A bloody big cricket.
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit....
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.
Man: "Oh thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been ten years" The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Oh... thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl: [Starting to unzip the front of her wet suit.] "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too?!"
A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.
"Silver," she said.
"Why not gold?"
"Because I want you to come second for once!"
