Coming Out of the Broom Closet By Soggyowl   Whether you are a teen or adult, making a choice to publicly put out your beliefs for the world to see is a difficult decision. For teens living under the rule of their parents, there can be a fear (sometimes well-founded) that parents won’t understand and will punish their teens for taking an interest in Wicca, witchcraft, or Paganism. While it is highly unlikely that you’ll be taken down to city hall and burned at the stake (except in the realm of your nightmares), sometimes the awkwardness that you’ll face when dealing with your family and friends might seem almost as bad. When you discover a religion that “feels right”, it is perfectly natural to want to tell everyone in the world about the joy that has come into your life. But is that the best idea? And how can you make it as painless (for yourself and those you are coming out to) as possible? ----------------- Coming Out: The Scenarios While it would be impossible to cover every scenario, here are three of the more common examples of coming out of the broom closet: | Scenario 1: The “Oops” Situation | By far, this is probably the most stressful way to come out—the accidental discovery by family or friends that you are studying or following a different belief system. Mom finds a book on Wicca under your pillow when she’s doing laundry. Your little brother catches you lighting candles in a park. A friend finds your notebook filled with notes about Paganism. It happens often. Whether you like it or not, you’ve got some explaining to do. There are many different ways to respond, and each one will have is own consequences and challenges. First, you can follow the principle of Deny Everything. The book isn’t mine. The candles are part of a school assignment. You can think up hundreds of excuses if you’re put on the spot. Hundreds of excuses, and no one will believe them, really. (Especially since you don’t believe them yourself.) Also, consider this—if your beliefs are important to you, would you really want to lie about them? Eventually the truth will come out, and you’ll have to justify why you lied about it in the first place. Sometimes the answer of “because I needed some time to think about sharing my beliefs” works. Sometimes there’s no excuse for a lie. Second, you can claim “academic privilege”. If you claim that you are studying witchcraft, Wicca, or Paganism, it might be less offensive to your folks than blurting out “Mom, I’m a witch” at the emotionally charged moment of discovery. A bonus part of this is that it is absolutely true. Every person who walks a Pagan path is a student, since learning never ends. Although it is a semantic difference, it might give everyone a chance to calm down before discussing the issue at length in the future. Third, you can spill the beans right then and there. (“You want to know the truth? You can’t handle the truth!”) In all likelihood, the situation will be highly charged. You’ll be in a state of shock. The person who made the discovery will be, too. Make sure everyone is comfortable before you begin—a cup of tea works wonders. Take a deep breath, and then say what you need to say, or answer any questions that come up. Whatever happens, keep your cool. (And a quick prayer to the gods that everyone else stays calm never hurt, too!) | Scenario 2: “Mom, dad, we need to talk.” | If you think it is time to share your beliefs with your family or friends, you can take control and break the news to them gently. Two ways to accomplish this are writing a letter or sitting down face-to-face. Each one has its own pros and cons. Writing a letter. Pros: You can get your thoughts organized in advance. You don’t have to be there when your parents read the letter, so you can give them time to gather their thoughts as well. Cons: If they have questions, they can’t ask you right away. Sitting down face-to-face. Pros: Immediate feedback. Cons: Immediate negative feedback is a possibility. Either method requires a lot of thought. Make sure you know enough about your beliefs to be able to explain yourself under stress. If you don’t know something, be honest about that. If you know someone who can help answer their questions, have them also talk to your parents to explain things that you are unclear about. See if your parents would like to observe a public ritual or an informational workshop. Encourage your parents to read the materials that you are studying, but don’t force the issue. Remember, this is YOUR spiritual development, not theirs. | Scenario 3: Sharing your explorations and posing What Ifs? | Don’t feel that you’re ready to jump out of the broom closet? Try testing the waters a bit first. Pose “What if?” questions and see how people respond. Discussing “what ifs” now helps your parents realize that you are starting to think for yourself on matters of faith and also can soften the blow if you decide to fully state your beliefs at a later time. Some possible questions include: Do you think that there are truths in other religions? Why do you believe what you believe? If I started to read books about other religions, would you mind? I’d like to go to a different religious service to see what it is like. Would you object? If someone in the family converted to another religion, how would you respond? I heard that there’s a group of witches here in town. What do you think about that? How important is your faith to you? If I had something that was really important to me, could I talk to you about it without having you judge me? Some of these questions might “force” the need to explain what you mean, so think carefully before you ask even the most simple “What if?” question. If you’ve got the luxury of time before you share your beliefs, how do you know when the time is right? Here’s a short checklist of items to consider before you sit your parents down for “the talk”. 1. Know thyself. If you’ve only been studying for a few weeks, you might want to hold off declaring your change in spiritual paths until you are absolutely certain it is right for you. No sense rocking the boat every time you find something that interests you in your life. After all, you shouldn’t be breaking the news to the parents just for shock value. 2. Know your parents. Try to avoid bringing up issues that you know will cause your parents to react badly. Take their feelings into consideration when you explain your beliefs. 3. How is the timing? Let’s face it, while there may not be the perfect “right” time to come out of the broom closet, there are many times that are absolutely wrong. Don’t drop the bombshell that you’re a witch as your family is getting ready for Christmas Eve services. Times of stressful family events (everything from weddings to funerals) are also not good choices. And for goodness sakes, don’t toss out the information when you don’t have time to discuss it. (“Thanks for the ride to school, dad. By the way, I’m a Wiccan. See you tonight!”) 4. Ask the gods for guidance. The gods are there to provide you guidance on your path, but sometimes they may have “interesting” views on what you need at the time. If you ask for a sign that the time is right, you might find yourself in a situation where you don’t have a choice to avoid discussing your beliefs. Still, the gods never give you more than you can handle—the trick is to figure out HOW to handle it, though. The big day has arrived and you’ve decided to tell your parents your beliefs. Here are some helpful hints for breaking the news gently. Have information available. While you don’t need to have a 300-page spiral-bound dossier ready to go, do have some information available that your parents can look at once the shock has worn off. Don’t lie. If you are going to be open and honest about your beliefs, then be open and honest. If you feel the need to lie to explain your beliefs, why are you considering coming out in the open about them anyhow? Explain what it means—for you and for them. Your parents might react much better when they realize that they won’t need to buy you a whole new wardrobe in black or change all family meals to vegan-only fare. Be willing to make compromises, and find the best solution for everyone involved. Be respectful. This should be a given in any conversation with your parents. Like ‘em or not, they are your elders and should be treated with respect. Address their concerns. One young gal that I knew bemoaned her parents’ “hatred” of Wicca. After talking with her for a few days, the problem became crystal clear—she insisted that lighting candles in her bedroom was a part of Wicca. One night during a ritual, she had accidentally set her curtains on fire. As a result, her parents told her that she couldn’t practice Wicca in their house. It wasn’t the Wicca that they had the problem with, but they didn’t want another house fire. If your parents don’t want you leaving your athame where your baby brother can pick it up or they object to lit incense setting off the smoke alarm, work with them. If they see that you aren’t unreasonable, they will be more supportive of your right to make an adult decision about your faith. If they feel that you are just going through a phase and still want you to go to church with them on Sunday as a family activity, go with them. Even if you are 100% sure that it isn’t your faith, you can still learn a lot from exploring the faith of others. Last, but not least, abide by their wishes. If they tell you that they forbid you to practice Wicca while you live under their roof, then respect their decision. You aren’t a teen forever, and the Craft isn’t going anywhere. Once you are living on your own, you can continue your studies. In the meantime, soak up as much information on different religions, mythologies, and traditions as you can. ------------------- Copyright (c) 2003 by Juliaki. All rights reserved. This article may not be reprinted without permission in writing from the author. Contact her at juliaki (at) verizon (dot) net