Annie says...
"At first most new widows don't even think about sex, much less experience any sexual urges. Their bodies are totally numb with shock and confusion of the loss. Later on a few older widows still continue to report that they feel nothing but relief, for no longer having to bother about having sex or trying to keep their husbands satisfied.
"But after a few weeks or months, the great majority of widows recover their primal senses, which reach their awareness as extreme physical stress and the stirring of sexual urges. Some speak of wet dreams; others of "getting moist down there." It's not unusual for women to feel guilt or shame for feeling sexy when their husbands have died, but rest assured, authorities agree that it is perfectly natural and healthy to have these feelings. Some say this is one of Mother Nature's ways of reminding us that HE died and WE didn't.
"The major problem for most of us is shyness, distinct uneasiness of talking about sex. We are reluctant to discuss the subject with good friends, even with other widows. Some shy widows can't even confide about the subject with counselors or therapists. Ingrained from childhood on, the subject of sex has always been taboo for them. Older widows may never have talked about it with anyone except, perhaps, their mates.
For some it is a relief to discuss Sex
"However, I've found it interesting to watch what happens in a room full of widows when for the first time someone dares to say the S-word out loud. There usually is agitation, nervous titters and shifting of positions, then throat-clearing and considerable blushing. One or two will usually break the ice by saying something witty, like, 'Sex? What's that?' Nervous giggles follow, until either the leader or one brave widow finds the courage to ask an honest question or make a revealing statement. Soon everyone is nodding appreciatively, including the many gray heads in the crowd. It's obvious that most have been doing a lot of thinking about the subject.
"In my book, For Widows Only!, I tell of one such moment in a widow support group in Milwaukee. They were discussing the option that some younger women have, of having sex with a new male partner within a relatively short time. The group generally cautioned against this, recommending the "do-it-yourself method" instead. Just then a 60ish woman piped up, 'I am terrified of having sex with a guy.' They all nodded and said they understood. One told her, 'Yes, I know. My husband was my only lover and I am 54 years old!' The first woman interrupted her. 'But no. That's not what I mean. I have stored up so much sexual tension I'm afraid I might embarrass myself!' We all laughed, heartily and sympathetically.
What authorities have to say about it
"What should widows do about this sexual need once they have identified it? Masturbation wasn't popular as a word in most groups, or in interviews, but it was the answer recommended by authorities as the safest method for releasing sexual tension.
"When I discussed my book with my own therapist, he asked me, 'Are you planning to discuss masturbation? You really must you know.' I assured him I had planned to include the subject. 'That's good,' he said. 'It's important to let women know that masturbation is not only perfectly acceptable, and natural, it is healthy behavior.'
"Another psychologist friend agreed. 'Masturbation is far more acceptable and far safer than choosing to sleep with strangers or letting sexual tension escalate without relief. That,' he said, 'adds unnecessary stress to the widows' already stressful situation.' A third counselor agreed, but cautioned that many women of middle age (or more) have been pre-conditioned by religious training or very strict parenting to find the word and act abhorrent, unworthy of discussion.
"In her book, 'When You've Become a Widow,' Genevieve Davis Ginsburg tells about attending a program about sex at a National Conference of Widowed Persons Services. The presenter pulled no punches, speaking bluntly about everything from celibacy to the use of sexual stimulators, even elaborating on one Hitachi vibrator she thought to be a good value. A tiny gray-haired lady shot her hand in the air wildly and then stood up to get attention. Ginsburg says she and the other widows thought, 'Here it comes, the morality lecture.' The question asked, loud and clear, however, was...'How do you spell Hitachi?' It's one of my favorite widow stories.
Let's stop here for a moment...
"This seems like a good place to pause and let you think about questions you may have about sex as a widow, or about what I have said, or about related experiences you would like to share with other widows on the message board." I have started a thread in "General" called, "Just between us." Let's hope we don't get a troublesome male onboard who exploits this very important discussion.
Do you want to go there now? {Widows ONLY, please.} Yes. No thanks.
